'My fiancé admitted to having a crush on a co-worker. I don't know if I can move past it.' UPDATED

"My (35f) fiancé (43m) admitted to having crush on a co-worker. Now I feel disgusted by him. Can I (we) overcome this?"

My fiancé is self-employed, but often works with people from other companies. He is currently finishing a job that lasted 5 months. On this job he met a woman who worked with him on the project. I met her briefly, but I didn't think much of her.

Anyway, about a month and a half ago I decided to talk to him because I was feeling neglected lately. He broke down before I could even finish, apologized and admitted he had a crush on her. He said they had a lot in common, spent a lot of time together and that she admired him, which flattered him. Due to his work, we didn't spend much time together and he felt lonely, so he started enjoying spending time with her.

Nothing else happened, but he felt guilty and ashamed because of it. He told me he would work from home until the end of the project (which he had been doing) and would work on repairing our relationship. She texted him a few times asking if he planned to come back to the office, but he simply replied "no". After, she tried initiating a conversation via text, but he didn't respond.

Then, she texted that she missed working and talking with him in the office and asked if she had done something wrong. He replied that she didn't do anything wrong, however that he would prefer it if they'd keep their conversations strictly professional from now on. He willingly linked his phone to our iPad so I could see all of her texts. He begged me to let him fix this mess.

I told him I needed some time to think about things, which scared him. I spoke to a couple of friends who convinced me to forgive him because "he came clean" and because "having a crush is normal."

We've been together for 4 years and I've never had a crush on anyone else, no matter how attractive they were. I've been with my previous boyfriend for 10 years and I didn't have a crush during that time either. Nevertheless, I decided to give him another chance, because apparently it's not normal for me not to have a crush.

He was very grateful for a 2nd chance. He is romantic, attentive, kind, loving, honest.... He has read a number of books on relationships and infidelity and is trying to understand what happened and why.

The thing is... I know all the right things to say and do, I seem to be receptive to his advances, but.... none of it is real. I'm disgusted by his touches and kisses, my mind thinking up sardonic, sarcastic responses to everything he says and does (I don't say any of those mean things out loud, btw). He repels me.

And now I'm starting to feel attracted to other men, which in my case only happens when I mentally withdraw from the relationship. Is there a way to overcome this? Have you had any experience with this?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Dear_Juice1560 said:

I think you just subconsciously feel unsafe & that is making you check out. He didn’t say anything till you did so I don’t blame you. It wasn’t just a “innocent crush” he was playing into it, as she was too to say she misses him. It was at BARE MINIMUM the beginning of a emotional affair.

OP responded:

Thank you for stating this better, then I could. I can see myself marrying him, having a child with him and then him looking for another woman while I'm still postpartum. It might be better to break up before marriage and children complicate things further. Should I just hope he doesn't do it again the next time things get difficult for him? If I hadn't confronted him, how far would he have gone?

I love him, but I'm not sure this relationship is worth continuing anymore, as I don't trust him. I don't know how to move past this. I don't want to spend my life policing his every move and being paranoid each time he stays longer at work. I don't deserve that bullsh!t

shoresandsmores said:

He didn't come clean on his own, though. You were having a serious discussion and he spilled the beans.

Further, he entertained the crush and allowed it to flourish. That's where he went wrong. It's reasonable you don't trust him now and don't feel secure in the relationship. Crushes may be normal to many, but how one reacts to that crush is what matters. He flirted and built a relationship and was well on his way to an emotional affair (if not already there).

It would suck to marry and have kids and when he's feeling neglected in the future or something, he steps out on you, and suddenly you're mad you ignored this moment. It's a tough call to make, honestly. It requires trust and faith, both of which he damaged. I'm sorry, OP. Whether or not you guys can overcome it is up to both of you. Perhaps some couples counseling would help, but I'm not sure how.

And AcrobaticMechanic265 said:

Being blindsided hurts more than finding out on your own because there is a lingering doubt that there are things that you feel he hasn't told you still and he is "love bombing" you out of guilt and not because he loves you.

She later shared this update:

Yesterday afternoon, I gathered the courage to talk to him. I asked him not to interrupt me until I finished. I told him everything that's been on my mind since I found out; about my distrust, disgust, and loss of respect for him. I remained calm and didn't hurl any insults.

I told him that what he did was emotional cheating and that I'm not convinced that that's where it stopped, that I appreciated the fact that he decided to read all of those self-improvement and relationship books, that I hope he'll learn from this experience and will improve as a person, but that it's not going to save our relationship. I'm done.

He begged for another chance, asked to attend couples therapy, he promised to attend individual therapy as well. He told me he loved me and that he knew he messed up and didn't deserve me, but that he would be willing to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I told him his words weren't enough and would never be enough again.

I started packing my stuff; he followed me around the apartment, crying and making promises. Before I left, he asked me if I'd be willing to reconsider us sometime in the future, if he proved himself? I told him that I don't see that happening. I told him that I wished him all the best, but that it's not going to be with me.

I am staying with a friend now, while looking for an apartment. He sent me flowers to the office with an "I love you" card. I'd throw them away, but I don't want to draw attention at work. So far, I've received 3 emails from him, pouring his heart out (or whatever else) to myself. I haven't responded to them and don't plan to.

I haven't blocked him, either; he crushed my self-confidence and made me doubt myself, he might as well feed my ego now. I am so, so angry, hurt, and depressed right now. I feel like I could burn down the whole world with my anger.

I don't know how I'll ever trust someone again. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother. My father cheated on my mother. My uncles cheated on their wives. All of them had children outside of their marriages. My ex knew this and worked really hard to earn my trust, only to completely shatter it. I don't think I could survive going through something like this again. How to cope? How to get better?

This is what commenters had to say:

Annonymous6771 said:

Good for you for stand up and respect yourself, a lot of women stay just for this to repeat and then are stuck because children are involved. He is a 43 man who is set in his behaviors, it would not have gotten better and you did the best thing possible for yourself. Virtual hug and stay strong.

tercer78 said:

Dang, you’ve been traumatized by every man you should have trusted in your life.. especially so deeply.., he knew this history and STILL did it?? No wonder you have zero desire for reconciliation.

He’s just another in a long line of men who are huge disappointments. Keep working hard to not normalize your his behavior. You’re surrounded by a lot of ugly men but that is not hard. Work hard to surround yourself with healthier people

And thunderchicken_1 said:

You are a badass. I felt your self respect while reading this. Just a side note. Not everyone cheats on their person. My wife and I are 30 years together and no cheating. Good luck.