'Found out my fiancé used to hook up with married women. Now I'm questioning everything.' UPDATED

"Found out my fiancé used to hook up with married women. Now I'm questioning everything."

TLDR: my fiance admitted to sleeping with married women in his twenties and that this is the reason why he’s such a good and attentive partner. I don’t know whether to believe him or whether this is a sign of what kind of person he is.

Hi everyone, I’m feeling really confused and conflicted right now and could use some advice. My fiancé (both in our early thirties) has always seemed like the perfect guy. He’s attentive, emotionally intelligent, and just… gets me. I’ve always felt so lucky to be with him, but recently, I stumbled upon something that has shaken me to my core.

We were having a deep conversation about our pasts, and the topic of past relationships came up. He admitted that in his twenties, he used to regularly sleep with married women. His reasoning? “They wanted it, and I never pursued women who were in happy marriages.”

According to him, most of these women approached him, and he claimed that “90% of married women are willing to cheat if the opportunity presents itself.” When I asked why he thought that, he told me it was based on his experience. He said some of these women cheated with him for extended periods before he got bored and ended it. It made me feel sick just listening to him describe it so casually.

But here’s the kicker: he admitted that one reason he’s such an amazing partner now is because, during those affairs, he kept a sort of mental list of all the things these women would complain about their husbands. He used that information to “be better.” He even joked that his “education” came from hearing what NOT to do in relationships.

When I pushed him on whether he felt any guilt or regret about helping destroy marriages, he brushed it off. He said these women were the ones who wanted to cheat, and he only gave them what they wanted. He even framed it like he was doing some kind of service, helping them realize their dissatisfaction.

He insists that I changed him, that I’m the reason he wants to settle down and leave all that behind. But I can’t shake the feeling that his past says something disturbing about his character. I know people grow and change, but I feel like I’ve been handed this big, ugly truth that I can’t unsee. I don’t even know what I’m asking here.How can I talk to him about my feelings?

What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

Extension-Scar-5513 said:

As a man who's wife cheated on me, I have some thoughts. I know my wife did go out with friends on weekends and complain about the things she was unhappy about in marriage. She should have brought these concerns up to me, but instead she chose to confide her unhappiness with guys she met at the bar. Then they'd tell her all the things she wanted to hear and gave her validation.

Then she'd sleep with them. On one hand, it's very scummy of the men who slept with my wife. They knew she was married and essentially destroyed a family just for a few minutes of sex. But on the other hand, my wife cheated on me with several different men. Even if some of the men were moral and told her no, she would have just cheated with someone else anyway.

So essentially, it's all on the cheater for choosing to cheat, and they're going to cheat regardless. Your boyfriend didn't ruin any marriages, the cheating wives did. But it still shows he has a lack of morals to take advantage of a situation like that. And he apparently has no guilt or remorse about it either. That's definitely a red flag.

Calman00 said:

My wife cheated with one of these guys. Their satisfaction partially comes from humiliating the husband, feeling superior and feeling proud like your BF does. He also seems to believe that you will cheat in the future with a Casanova like him, like 90% of married women do? How does he feel about it?

Knightowllll said:

Listen to your gut. If you think it sounds like BS it’s bc it is. Showing a lack of morals is showing a lack of morals. If you’re young, attractive, and can date anyone then why aren’t you just dating other young single people?

Life_One_6012 said:

Pretty gross behavior to talk about so casually. Would be a major turn off.

sanguinepsychologist said:

Anyone who takes no responsibility for their actions and assumes cheating is only a crime for the committed person, absolving the one knowingly cheating with a committed person of any fault, would not be a person of integrity worth marrying. His past is not as much a problem as his current attitude to cheating is.

He doesn’t see he’s done anything wrong, so what change is he talking about ? Part of growing is accepting past transgressions and doing better. But he feels he hasn’t done anything wrong.

Minimum_Hearing9457 said:

You are lucky to have a guy like this. If your relationship ever goes through a rough patch, he will sleep with married women until he figures out what the problem is and how to fix it. It is rare to find this kind of commitment in a man any more. You should lock him up if you can.