'I keep finding long hairs in the bathroom that aren't mine. My BF refuses to address it.' UPDATED

"Found Long Hairs in Our Bathroom, and My Boyfriend Refuses to Address It."

I (24F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together for 4 years and living together for 1.5 years now. For the first year, we lived with another friend, but now it’s just the two of us. We had some big fights in the beginning of our relationship (the first year), but we worked through them, and now we have a great relationship overall.

However, since we moved into our current apartment, I keep finding long black hairs in the bathroom. They’re about 65 cm long and straight. I should mention that my hair is red, and his hair is short—barely 15 cm—so it can’t be his.

The first time I found one, I called him while he was with his sister and told him, “We need to talk when you get home, and you better hurry.” I was really nervous. When he got back, he yelled at me for embarrassing him in front of his sister. He denied everything and didn’t want to discuss it further, asking how I could even think that about him.

At the time, I tried to justify it by thinking it might’ve been left behind by a friend who had visited us two weeks earlier, or maybe I hadn’t cleaned properly. Since then, though, I’ve found more hairs—always when I come home after working at the office (I mostly work from home, but I go in occasionally). The second time, he told me I was being crazy and ignored me for the rest of the night while I was very upset.

The third time, I taped the hair to a piece of paper and left it for him to see when he got home. He yelled at me again, saying he was tired of my insecurity and reminding me he’s home most of the time. He ignored me for the rest of that night too, and I eventually just moved on.

Yesterday, I went to a party with work colleagues. When I got back and went to the bathroom, I found another black hair. I called him to come and look, and he responded angrily, saying, “Really, again?” He seemed very irritated. I ignored him, and he ignored me too. This morning, he tried to talk to me and asked why I wasn’t speaking to him, but I didn’t respond.

He left to go to the doctor and then to the office. I’ve even tried looking at his phone, but I’ve never found anything suspicious. He’s always on his phone, either listening to podcasts or scrolling through reels, but I haven’t seen anything alarming. Most of the time, we’re together, and I do feel pretty loved in this relationship.

But these hairs are driving me insane—especially because he refuses to address the issue or take my concerns seriously. Any advice?

TL;DR: I keep finding long black hairs in the bathroom, which can’t belong to me or my boyfriend. He denies everything, refuses to discuss it, and gets angry when I bring it up. I’ve found no evidence of cheating, but this issue is really bothering me. What should I do?

What do you think? Any theories? Suggestions? This is what top commenters had to say:

distressedwillow said:

Question: is the apartment like a townhouse or like an apartment complex???? One of my friends lives alone and kept finding hairs all over his apartment, that were long and blonde and it took like a month to figure out he was tracking them in from the hallway carpet outside his unit. he was single for like 2x years and didn’t know anyone with platinum blonde hair. It was his neighbors girlfriend 😅

OP responded:

we live in a block of flats, so yes there is a very small possibility but shouldn't I have found other hairs? not just this type of hair exactly identical to the others

foxconductor said:

Do you have shared laundry facilities? Cause everyone in the comments is dead-set on cheating, but I’ve had this happen to me and it was hair being tracked in from doing laundry. Honestly I’d be more interested in how he treats you and acts in the rest of the relationship than the presence of the hairs.

at the end of the day, if you cannot trust your partner to be honest with you and attend to your worries with care and compassion, it’s probably not a relationship that is healthy or worth your time.

OP responded:

We have our own washing machine and dryer... he treats me well, he is really affectionate and supports me in everything, takes me on trips, he is cooking for me, my relationship with him is very good and I feel very loved, this is why I am skeptical of leaving for 5 hairs... and I dont know but it drives me insane.

_sharise_ said:

Do you often visit or see someone who has long, straight black hair? It could keep getting transferred. Personally, I’d get a doorbell camera. If he fussed about it, you already have your answer.

OP responded:

Yes, my sister has similar hair and I visit her maybe once a week or two weeks.

jay-d_seattle said:

You kind of buried the lead by only mentioning in comments that these hairs match your sisters, who you visit weekly. It’s very likely the case that you’re the one bringing them into the home.

OP on cleaning the house and seeing if more hairs showed up:

Two times a week I vacuum and clean because my bathroom is beige and every hair can be seen... so I am suspicious.

Has OP visited someone else which their hairs could had got on OP’s clothes when she came home and were the hairs found on different places?

OP: No, never new sheets, I have white sheets and I never found a hair there. Only in the bathroom. My sister has black long hair, similar to the one I found and one of our friends... but they don't visit us. Yes, I visit my sister once a week. This can be a possibility. Yes, my sister has similar hair and I visit her maybe once a week or two weeks.

The next day, she shared this update:

Last night, when my boyfriend got home, we had a much-needed conversation. I approached him calmly and said something like, “Hey, I feel like your lack of acknowledgment around this situation is making me lose trust, and I think it’s important we talk about it.” I didn’t accuse him of cheating, but I shared my feelings about the hairs I’ve been finding and explained how they’ve been making me feel.

At first, he seemed to listen, but then he turned the conversation around, accusing me of cheating because I’m bisexual. He said, “Why wouldn’t it be you cheating?” Things escalated quickly, and he expressed frustration, saying I embarrass him when I call him while he’s out because of my insecurities.

To add some context, I found out recently that one of his ex-girlfriends is no longer engaged. This is someone we’ve had issues with in the past. Years ago, he flirted with her at a birthday party I organized for him, which led to us breaking up temporarily.

Before we moved in together, he used to hang out with her without telling me, and I know he occasionally messages her, though he hides it. Her hair is dark red, so it’s not hers that I’m finding, but their history still makes me uneasy.

Our conversation last night shifted away from the current issue to larger arguments about our relationship. He brought up his accident and said I haven’t supported him enough, which was particularly hurtful because, during that time, I poured everything into taking care of him.

I handled all the logistics—getting him to the hospital, talking to doctors, sorting out insurance, and even ensuring he ate and took his medication when he needed to. I neglected my own health in the process, fainting from exhaustion after going 30 hours without food.

Despite all this, we did reach a point of agreement about installing a camera at home. He was surprisingly chill about it, and we both see it as a solution—not just for the current issue, but also for the dog we’re planning to get soon.

This update might not be the dramatic cheating story some were expecting. It’s not that—it’s deeper communication issues. We ended the night on okay terms, even sleeping in the same bed, though I did end up crying alone in the living room for two hours. I’m confused and have mixed feelings.

From the outside, I know our relationship might look unhealthy, and maybe it is. But relationships are complex. I don’t expect things to always be sunshine and rainbows. There are hard periods in every relationship where people either grow together or apart.

I’m not looking to make impulsive decisions right now. Aside from the fights and communication struggles, we do have a happy relationship in many ways. He’s been part of my life for four years, and I don’t take that lightly.

To those who suggested I might be sabotaging the relationship due to my anxiety or depression, that’s something I’m reflecting on. I appreciate the honesty, even if it’s hard to hear. As for those who think I’m the problem or that I’m controlling—our relationship allows for plenty of trust and independence.

He spends time with his friends, follows and likes posts on Instagram, and has female friends, all without issue from me. I don’t go through his phone or invade his privacy. If I ever have questions or want to see something, he’s open and shows me voluntarily. Thank you again for your support and advice. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m grateful for this community.

TL;DR: We had a serious conversation about my concerns, and while we agreed on installing a camera as a solution, the discussion escalated into deeper issues about trust and communication. No cheating was involved, but unresolved past problems and misunderstandings came up.

Despite the tension, we’re okay for now, and I’m reflecting on my own role in the relationship while trying to navigate these challenges calmly. Thank you for all the advice and support—it’s given me a lot to think about.