'My wife suggested an open marriage and then I found suspicious texts in her phone.' UPDATED

"Found suspicous messages on my wife's phone."

So we've been going through a bit of a bad patch for a while. One evening my wife wanted to be romantic but I didn't read the signs and messed it up a bit. She was angry and frustrated and thus we had quite a frank and probably overdue discussion about our marriage. During this she brought up opening up the marriage as a way to save it.

I was a bit shellshocked really and didn't follow up with more questions as I would have if more level headed in the moment. We had further discussions about what we want, what we can change... I asked her if she still wanted to open the marriage and she said she would. I said I'd think about it.

I wasn't sure what to think so went here and searched for opening up the marriage - basically almost every post said the other party is likely already cheating or has someone lined up. Of course no-one wants to believe that but of course it got the alarm bells ringing.

In the meantime another guy kind of starts being more present which I thought was a bit odd - I mean I would usually have no suspicions but everything added together made be uneasy.

I'm not proud of this but I decided to look through her phone and there were a lot of messages, like multiple per day, from this guy and they seemed quite close - been messaging for perhaps 6 months or so? He messaged that he really likes her but not really any big smoking guns from her side, she seemed more cagey in her responses.

Even after he messaged her his feelings she still kept up communication and didn't set any strong boundaries with him or anything. She sent him a picture from a day trip we made... and said she hoped it didn't make him uneasy when he met the rest of her family one time. Basically it got to him then asking when he can see her again and her replying that it's tricky and she isn't sure.

She's been going to concerts alone quite a lot recently (and she was there as she sent pics etc) and seemed to meet him at the first one she was alone at. Since them they seem to have been arranging to meet up at these concerts semi-regularly.

I broached the subject with her by saying that the circumstances around her asking for an open relationship and this guy suddenly being on the scene and she said she's not at all interested in him but when I asked if he has feelings for her, she said no idea. Of course that last part is a lie.

I've no idea how to proceed. Of course I shouldn't have looked through her phone without asking (this is something I never did before as I had no reason to) and I feel really bad about that... on the other hand she's been keeping secrets from me, deceiving me and perhaps worse! Would love to hear comments and advice, thank you!

Commenters weighed in with advice and warnings:

FSmertz said:

Your wife has been dating this other guy at concerts and elsewhere. She has been lying to you about her relationship with him. She wants an "open" marriage so she can sleep with him without further lying to you, though she'll do it anyway. Looking through your wife's phone is totally appropriate as she is keeping secrets from you and that's anathema to a loving marriage.

It feels like your marriage has an expiration date. Your wife needs to cut all contact with this guy and attend couples counseling with you. Otherwise you will be subject to her having a full up affair.

If she is unwilling to attend counseling it's evidence in action that her commitment to your marriage is weak tea. Do visit a family law attorney to learn about the divorce process in your state or province. You cannot be passive about any of this or else your emotions will eat you from this inside.

Self-inflicted- said:

You should have filed for divorce when your wife asked to sleep with other people to save your marriage. That was your sign.

SFAdminLife said:

There’s nothing anyone can do to help you because, despite it being obvious to all of us that she’s been cheating on you for six months, you want to excuse it away. You need to face reality.

He later shared this update on the situation:

So we had an initial discussion after I raised this whole thing after reading her messages... she'd blown up as I'd raised it after knowing about it for more than a day and us having a nice evening together (we had plans which couldn't be rearranged which is why I didn't raise anything immediately) (I know you'll say gas lighting, deflection etc, could be true).

We had a chat the next day and, for me, her explanation seemed plausible - they'd met during a concert and swapped numbers... the following concerts (semi-regularly, like once every 1-2 months) were ones they would have attended anyway - this makes sense.

Of course they said they were going to them and I guess chatted there (there were also other people from a larger group of an unrelated concert series who were also there). As far as I know they had only directly arranged to meet alone for 1 concert.

I'm certain nothing physical happened as there wasn't the opportunity - I can't rule out other physical stuff (e.g. kiss, hand-holding etc). She ended the friendship with this guy at her own behest. I accepted that explanation and wanted to move forwards and we had a great week or so. Of course emotions aren't easy to suppress and I raised the thing again recently after not sleeping well etc.

She blew up again about saying now she feels used, that we can't continue if I don't trust her, that she ended contact with that guy for me and that now she feels like rolling that back and re-establishing contact with him if I don't trust her anyway. I know you'll say again - typical deflection...

I'm just wondering if there's the smallest chance she's telling the truth now and her anger is for a genuine reason? Or it's more guilt/deflection talking? I guess there's no way to know for sure right...

I'm not sure if there's a chance of saving this now. The minimum would be continued no-contact from this guy and I'm also thinking of suggesting an open phone policy.

At the end of the day I'm being made to feel bad because I don't trust her, that she deserves her privacy (never got much remorse for the secrecy BTW other than an "I made a mistake, it won't happen again) but I feel like she has to earn my trust back and not the other way around.