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'My husband calls his brother's ex his "little sister" but I don't trust their relationship.' UPDATED

'My husband calls his brother's ex his "little sister" but I don't trust their relationship.' UPDATED

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"My husband and I are in disagreement, in desperate need for different opinions"

My husband and I are in disagreement, in desperate need for different opinions Good Afternoon! For context, I am 34, my husband is 37. He has a brother ‘Brad’ who is 25. Brad dated “Kelsey” (24) for 10 years. They began dating when they were freshman in high school (their first ‘date’ was actually my wedding).

They were engaged for two years before Kelsey found out that Brad had cheated on her multiple times the year before, and was still in contact and sending lewd texts to the woman he cheated on her with. This all came out about four weeks ago. The entire family was devastated, and furious with Brad, who told Kelsey she could have the apartment and moved in with a friend over an hour an a half away.

I think he just wanted to be far away from everything. It was weird because Kelsey was a part of the family for so long it was hard to just turn that off (and obviously we didn’t, she’s going through a really traumatic time and needs support). Even so, I think it does reach a point where the family has to separate from her, since the only connecting thing (Kelsey and Brad’s relationship) is now gone.

My husband, however, seems to think that since he’s regarded Kelsey as a ‘little sister’ for so long, she should be treated as such. I come home multiple times a week to her over the house, when I ask my husband about it he says he’ll text her and ask her how she’s feeling and if she says she’s feeling down he’ll invite her over to cheer her up.

A few nights ago she was over and while I was putting the kids to bed my husband offered her a drink and they began drinking downstairs at the bar in our den. I had a medical procedure the next morning, nothing that was a big deal but something I was supposed to be up and out early for, I didn’t need my husband to come with me or anything but I had mentioned that I would’ve liked if he would.

He ended up offering the guest room to Kelsey (who was up and out early) and then slept in until an hour after I had come home. He has TikTok and just follows her (and a few other big accounts, but she’s the only one he follows personally).

The one thing he did that I thought way overstepped (and what prompted me to have a conversation with him) is that the family is going on a two week vacation to Belize. The house is owned by my inlaws so we go there often, and Kelsey has come many times. My husband invited her to come to this trip as well, which I think is odd since she is no longer dating Brad (who isn’t coming on the vacation).

When I had the conversation with my husband about how I thought he was crossing some boundaries with Kelsey he got very defensive and said I was being ‘heartless’ for wanting to just write Kelsey off, I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t trying to ‘write her off’ but since she no longer had ties to the family why would she come? If she began dating someone tomorrow would we let her being her new partner?

My husband and I have two very opposing standpoints here and I’m trying to come up with a way to compromise.

edit: in no way do I mean cut her off. I think our family should show her we support her and are here for her. However, I think there are boundaries (drinking together at night causing him to miss my procedure, inviting her to vacation) being crossed.

Also, to everyone who seems to have an issue with me thinking she will need to be distanced from the family, how do you think my brother in law and any other future partners of his will feel about her joining in on family vacations?? Again, I think she is a lovely girl and I will enjoy remaining on friendly terms with her.

What do you think of this situation? Is he in the wrong? Or is she being paranoid? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

Massive red flags. Little sister is about to sleep with your husband.

said:

The closeness is weird to me, too. Especially staying up late drinking and her staying over. But even more to the point, keeping Kelsey this close doesn't help Kelsey, either. She is hurting, yes, but spending more time with her ex's family isn't going to help her through the emotional tear of the breakup.

It just keeps her mentally and emotionally invested in a family that isn't hers. You don't have to be mean to her, but you don't bring her on vacations, either.

said:

They've spending a lot of time alone together, she is going through an emotional time and he won't set boundaries, makes plans regarding her without looping you in and gets defensive about her. This is a full blown emotional affair. You've got bigger problems than what her place in the family is, pretty soon its going to be the woman who replaced you.

said:

36m here. The simple fact of the matter is your husband is prioritizing her needs over yours at this stage which is not acceptable and insensitive as it's clear you feel uncomfortable. Everything else is really background noise imo. The main thing that doesn't sit right with me and leads me on to a suspicion though.

Your husband seems capable of seeing how 'upset and in need of support' Kelsey is and unable to see that this puts his wife in an uncomfortable position and is willing to just write that off as her (your) issue. I'm sorry SCREW that!

My suspicion is he has developed some feelings for her but rather than cauterizing contact he is happy to continue it under the guise of 'support' of a long time family friend that is like a sister. Intervention needed.

And said:

Ok, there's room for compromise. No one needs to boot Kelsey out of the family that she has been a part of for ten years. However, your husband does need to make you and the kids a priority. So there's no reason for Kelsey not to be included in things but when you tell your husband you need him to be available to you for things like your medical procedure, then he needs to be there.

Update: "My husband and Kelsey had more than a 'little sister' relationship."

I’m going to make this short, in updating because of all the messages I got asking me for one. Like I stated many times in my last post ((many times, though a number of people were still attacking me as though I wanted to banish her from speaking to any of us), I thought Kelsey was a lovely girl and didn’t want to completely cut her off, just establish appropriate boundaries.

My mother in law found out my husband invited Kelsey. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue since the house is large enough to accommodate more people, and to be fair this wouldn’t be the first time someone invited someone on behalf of the family, but the issue was my mother in law had been speaking to Brad (my brother in law) and trying to convince him to come and he eventually caved and said he’d come.

So my mother in law flat out said Kelsey can’t come, why would she even want to? It would be too weird for her or Brad. So my husband came home and told me all this and then tells me conveniently he’s going to have to come to Belize a week later because of work, he’d meet me and the kids there.

I’m not going to get into the details because it got really personal but it wasn’t hard to find out that was a lie and he was planning on hanging out with Kelsey those days. This lie was the last straw so I asked to see his phone. I looked through all of his messages on socials and I found a number of flirty texts with Kelsey, as well as some photos that were definitely suggestive.

He said he hadn’t realized how quickly things got out of hand and that he never would have physically cheated. I don’t believe that he hasn’t already. I’m not really one for second chances so I can’t see this going much further, although I’m not making any permanently rash decisions until I’ve had time to clear my head and get everything in order.

Sources: Reddit
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