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'I suspect my husband is cheating since he wouldn't let me look at his texts. AITA?' UPDATED 2X

'I suspect my husband is cheating since he wouldn't let me look at his texts. AITA?' UPDATED 2X

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"Is he possibly cheating or am I being unreasonable?"

I (f24) and my husband (m29) have been married 1.5years. He has never ever given me reason to doubt his fidelity. The thought of infidelity on his part has never even crossed my mind -until today.

Having finished cleaning up after a dinner party with friends, we were sat on the couch just talking when I asked him for the time. He showed me his phone and just at that moment, he received a WhatsApp message. The notification appeared showing an unsaved number, with the profile picture of a girl wearing a really low cleavage blouse.

Seeing the message notification too, he takes back his phone and clicks into a different WhatsApp message instead, which he shows me and starts speaking on. I, of course remained stuck on the weird notification. And so I ask him “ what was that message just there?”

He responds “a men’s group chat from work - it’s a random profile picture, I did not choose the picture, I was simply added to the group”. I then ask him if I can see the group chat, and he refuses. This to me raises alarm bells, and so I ask again twice - each time he refuses to let me see the chat.

I ask why he’s refusing and he counters by asking me why I want to see the chat. I explain calmly, and in an amicable tone, that I found the notification very odd. Unsaved number, beautiful girl in revealing clothing - refusing to show me the supposed work group chat…?

I get up to leave after his refusing to show me the group chat for the 3rd or 4th time, except I am overcome by the urge to take his phone off the couch armrest (where he had put it down) - and so I do. I take the phone but as I am about to open the chat in question, he grabs the phone back out of my hands.

Though we are both still speaking very calmly, he’s now upset with me. He is upset that I would grab his phone and reminds me that this is not what we do (go through each other’s phones). He is rather upset saying that I should trust his word because he has explained what the notification was / why it looked weird, and that his explanation should have been enough seeing as I’m supposed to trust him.

He is offended that I would even ask to see the chat. He then goes on to remind me that not only has he never given me a reason to doubt him, but also that he has always freely given me access to his phone. This is all true, I even have my face saved on his face recognition setting (and his on mine).

He continued to refuse to show me the supposed group chat. And being shocked, I simply left the room. I am currently not sure what to think. Did I respond unreasonably?

What do you think? Is she being unreasonable? Or does his suss behavior warrant her response? What do you think is going on here?

This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

If my wife asked to see something on my phone I would absolutely let her. Especially if it was for the sole purpose of easing her mind about something. In my experience people get all jumpy about sh!t when they’re hiding something.

said:

A group chat on WhatsApp wouldn't pop up with a number, it has a group name.

said:

I'm against phone snooping, but if something pops up it's fair game. You have a right to explanation and proof.

said:

He HAD always given you access to his phone. Not now. Very odd.

SCA_CH said:

If you were that concerned that you asked him several times to see the chat, it would have been reasonable for him to open it up and say here you go, see it’s just a group chat from work. All he had to do is show you the chat with multiple participants…not even let you read the actual conversations.

The fact that he refused, even though you were upset, and then turned the tables on you for not “trusting him” is very suspicious. If the positions were reversed and you received a message from an unknown number with a pic of a shirtless ripped male, I’m sure he would have the exact same reaction as you! Honestly, this is very concerning behaviour.

said:

Yeah, the fact that he refused to show you his phone...he has of course deleted by now...but my thought...in my 20's I would spend hours, days and weeks trying to catch my cheating bf cheating. What a waste of my freaking time. I would suggest spending more time getting your ducks in a row for yourself, as trying to catch him is only going to be a poor waste of your time.

He is only going to get better hiding stuff or infidelity if that is really whats going on and honestly, hounding someone who supposedly loves you is such a poor waste of your precious time and youth. Take this time now to live your life the way you want, and move him to your background. Honestly, seeing his WhatsApp and how he is acting, consider this a blessing. Edited to say "consider this a blessing in disguise."

She later posted this first update:

Hi everyone, thank you for your responses. We still have guests staying over at our place. After the initial conversation, I left and went to stay with the guests in the guest room - they’re my girlfriends so this wasn’t particularly weird. It is their last night too, so we stayed up talking. I didn’t mention anything to them, but I also haven’t spoken to him since.

The guests leave later this evening. Before then we’ll be out and about. I don’t think I’ll have a chance to speak to him or address this again until the guests have left. To clear up a few things:

I also suspect cheating. I know exactly what it is looking like. But yes, I was wondering if my grabbing the phone was unwarranted/ exaggerated and in fact a breach of trust in my part. I do not go through peoples phone on principle. I have never done it and I do feel like I have violated his privacy for doing that.

I have also realised ( after reading your responses ) that worrying about having breached his privacy is precisely what he wanted and is an attempt to turn it all back on me. To distract from the main issue. I’ll come back with another update once I’ve addressed it with him.

And then she shared this second and final update:

I have asked him to show me the chat one more time. He accepted immediately this time. I was worried that this meant the evidence would be deleted, but he handed me the phone, and it was all there.

I saw the group chat with the same profile picture, called « Men’s group » but in the language of the country. In the group chat I saw the initial message notification I had seen, with the number still unsaved. It was in fact a Spotify link like he had said. The time stamp is correct. He scrolled all the way up to when he was added to the group, which does correspond to when he started at the new work place.

He took out his work laptop and went through the work email contacts, to show me that the few contacts he had saved did correspond with the names of colleagues in the group. I got pretty annoyed if I’m honest. I am extremely relieved but god he could have spared me and you all the turmoil.

I asked why he was being so damn secretive about everything then. It turns out he had a group chat with my childhood friends, and they were planning a surprise for me. (Surprise semi-ruined now lol oops). You might all wonder why on earth I didn’t think of that so close to Christmas, and that would be because we do not celebrate Christmas.

Anyways false alarm, thank god. Apologies for bringing you all on this rollercoaster with me! For what it’s worth you all helped me stay very calm and level headed through the hours.

If some of you are wondering why I did not turn to friends and family for advice - the answer is simply that I had no proof myself. I was unsure and confused by the situation, but still wanted to hear someone else’s thoughts on the matter. The thing with relationships I find, is that sometimes when you tell friends and family about conflict, you might then forgive him, but they might not.

I try to avoid sharing our conflict and seeking advice unless/until it is blatantly obvious that one of us is in the wrong. He is close to my friends and family and I’m careful not to ruin his image in their eyes unless it is really warranted. Anyway, thanks everyone for your patience, for your advice, for your companionship!


Sources: Reddit
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