'I found out my husband is cheating on me with our kids' godmother.' + UPDATE A YEAR LATER

"My husband is cheating on me with our best friend."

I recently found out that my husband 42 is cheating on me with our married best friend (32F). She is the godmother to our 4 children. They don't know that I know, but I caught them making out at the end of our driveway when he was seeing her off after dinner with our family. We live on a small acreage and the driveway is a long way off from the main house.

She had forgotten some crockery at the house and I decided to walk it over, because for some reason the two of them always took a while to say goodbye. (Now I know why!) That's when I saw them lit by her car's headlights. Making out in the front seat with our best friend straddling my husband. In shock I didn't know whether to throw her pyrex at the car or just walk away.

I decided the latter, and was too shocked to cry or be angry. When my husband got back, I had to pretend like everything was normal. I know that it's stupid but I couldn't sleep that night and decided to go through his phone.

She was obviously under a pseudonym but I found a handful of their messages dating 2 or 3 years. Her husband doesn't know, he's currently posted overseas as a diplomat. I'm sick with rage and betrayal. I'm lost and have no idea what steps to take next.

Commenters weighed in to offer advice and support:

Successful_Raise1801 said:

Collect proof before you blow your lid. It’ll give you options.

Blade_982 said:

Yes, and back them up too, so he can't delete all the evidence. And then... OP will have to be really strong and see this through. The confrontation and the separating of her life from his. And hers.

Logistics first, grieve later. Cheaters lie. They will trickle truth, blameshift, and deflect. It's not going to be pretty. OP, be prepared to not recognise who they turn into upon confrontation. It's not going to be easy, but you will get through this.

acidxoxo said:

i’m so sorry OP. and that’s a double betrayal… If divorce is an option for you, then collect the proofs and get a lawyer. If not, still collect the proof and confront them when you feel ready. virtual hug 🫂

[deleted] said:

I am very impressed you pretended you hadn’t seem anything, I wouldn’t have been able to. You need to book appointments with a divorce attorney so they can explain to you what your options are. You should document the cheating, because that can help for the divorce. Can you take a video of you scrolling the discussion thread messages?

I know there is a lot of justified rage in you, but you have to stay rational and clear through that process. Lead with your head, not your gut. Stay cool, and destroy his sorry ass with the law. And then, tell your best friend’s husband who he is really married to. I’d want to know that my spouse is a POS, so I can get out instead of staying married. From human to human, I am sorry this happened to you. Good luck.

And vtretiree23 said:

Get tested for stds. Meet up with a lawyer to discuss your options. Screenshot and send to yourself the phone messages. Get finances in order- do you have separate accounts or only shared. Hugs and good luck. And I would accidentally drop the Pyrex in her driveway!

She later shared a series of updates on how the situation unfolded.

First update:

Woah didn't expect this much support. It's really overwhelming. Just to clarify a few things: This is a private account I created just for this post away from my usual account because I was scared it would be traced back to me. I want to remain anonymous as much as I can.

I don't live in the US - but in Australia. Technically, I can't file for divorce immediately - as you need to be separated for 1 year and 1 day to file officially. My now ex best friend just recently returned to the country (her father has cancer) after being posted with her husband overseas. The dinner was to welcome her home - and what a welcome! 🥺

There's some comments here about the headlights illuminating them. Sorry I meant overhead lights. As to what I'm going to do now - a part of me just wants to confront my husband, see what lame excuse he has. But I need to get away from him. This level of betrayal physically hurts. I can't help but think of all the times we spent together over the years and for how long our families were fooled.

My mind is going crazy, when she was single and he would "rescue" her from some bad date or the times they were alone in my house when the kids and I were out. How irrationally angry he was when he found out she had a boyfriend then chose to marry him.

Thinking back on it, the two of them disappeared at her wedding. When I asked him where he was, he said he needed to reassure her that she had done the right thing. I feel so so sick thinking of these things.

Second update:

Thank you everyone for your concern and advice. As of tomorrow my husband is out of town. I've tried really hard to act normal around my now ex best friend but it's proving difficult and I feel sick. I have been telling both of them that I've caught some terrible bug and just not feeling myself.

While my husband is out of town for the next few days, my sister in law who is the only other person who knows (my brother's wife) will help me pack important documents - and store them somewhere my husband doesn't know about. I've organised for my kids to stay with them for a week while I sort my sh!t out.

I've spoken to a family lawyer and they have told me that the best way to start the separation procedure is to no longer be living under the same roof. I'm fortunate in that most of our assets are also in my name, and the land our house is on was gifted to us by my parents.

I'm planning to kick him out after his trip. But before that, I want to catch them both in the act again. Have some hard proof, send it to the ex friend's husband and get the ball rolling for moving on with my life. I'll update with what happens after the confrontation.

Third update:

My husband came home two nights ago from his trip. While he was gone, I had organised a lot of the important documents eg. financial, birth certificates, passports, anything that he could potentially use to try and get more than what he deserves.

They are now safely stored and my kids have been staying with their Aunt and Uncle for the past few days. I had packed all my husband's things and he has been really good at keeping his tracks clean because there was no evidence of his affair within his stuff. I placed all his belongings in the garage ready for the confrontation with him.

I was super nervous because I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. Once he came home and I remembered seeing him kissing our best friend - I remembered the deep hurt they had caused.

I was in our kitchen when he came home and he knew straight away something was wrong. During that week I had been distant and had barely answered his texts and screened his calls. I did answer every now and again and gave the kids a chance to speak to their Dad.

He asked me why I hadn't been responding to his texts and he tried to kiss me but I turned away and before I knew it the first things that came out of my mouth were, I want a separation. I have to admit that he didn't look very surprised when I said it, he nodded his head and said, what do you know?

Which was just a punch in the gut, because I wanted to him to deny it or say something like it was a one off thing. I asked him to tell me everything, like when did it start? And he said they started about 10 years ago, at first it was flirtatious messaging and a sneaky kiss in the office when they briefly worked together and the affair was on and off.

She apparently always felt guilty and her way out of that was to marry the next man that was interested in her and proposed. He admitted that they had sex on her wedding day and when he is out of town they meet. At this point I couldn't breathe and I was sobbing.

I hated that the next words out of my mouth was, did you even ever love me? He hesitated and said yes of course but he was never in love with me the way he was with her.

I cleared my throat and had said to him that he should tell her husband - there is no point hiding it anymore. I told him that all his stuff was in the garage and he can find somewhere else to stay. I let him know that I have spoken to a family lawyer and I told him that when I feel ready and only when I feel ready will we see each other again and talk about the future arrangement with the kids.

I said any further communication can be done through my sister in law or my brother. I said, he is allowed to see the kids but only at their place. I am of course wanting full custody of the children because it hurts too much to give him anything at this point.

He agreed to all my points because he knew he was in the wrong. He tried to say sorry and then I absolutely lost my sh!t and screamed, NO WAY ARE YOU SORRY, FOR 10 YEARS YOU HAVE BOTH DECEIVED EVERYONE WE KNOW. Please take your sh!t and leave and tell that woman you have been sleeping with for 10 years that I do not ever want to see her face again.

Certainly not my shining moment but also a culmination of all the hurt and anger over the last few weeks that they have caused. I have no intention of talking to my ex best friend or really to my soon to be ex husband until I have had the time to grieve. So thank you community for the encouragement and advice. Hope I can heal and move on from this.

One year later, she posted this final update:

Thank you everyone who has been messaging over the last year to see how I’m going and asking for an update. It’s been a crazy, painful year. But our divorce has been finalised. And I’m free. My ex husband and my ex best friend as no surprise are now in an actual relationship after the ex best friend’s husband found out about the affair.

He divorced her, and since then we have met up for coffee to check in on each other and our mental health. He’s been great sending encouraging messages and he lives overseas and from his Facebook updates has started dating again. So I’m very happy for him!

The legal and custody battles had been fairly stressful but the ex husband agreed to all my terms the custody of the children was the only thing he really fought for. I have custody of the kids and he sees them on the weekends. The kids including myself have all been going to therapy separately. My ex husband wants to see them more and during school break the kids have the choice to stay with him or me.

They have been good about it and stay with him for a week or so and then back to their mummy. Apart from necessary conversation I steer away from my ex husband and the ex best friend. It still hurts so much and I understand that it will take some time to heal. But I am letting go, because I don’t want them to have that level of influence over my life.

I decided to sell the property we were living in and move closer to family and friends because as you know, “it takes a village”. And I have been extremely grateful for the support I have received over the last year. I’m tearing up just as I’m writing this, knowing that I couldn’t go through all of this without my loved ones.

And for myself, I am happy overall, still a work in progress but grateful for life. The kids and myself have been enjoying life and when we have the time and the money try and take little trips here and there so the traumatic events of the divorce doesn’t linger and can be replaced by good memories. Memories where they spent road trips and adventures with their mum.