'I found out my husband had an affair with one of our “best friends."' UPDATED 2X

"I found out my husband had an affair with one of our 'best friends.'"

First post because I’m desperate for advice. I (25F) just found out my husband (29M) had an affair with one of our very close friends. I recently deployed last September and during that time frame we were going through a very hard time. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not perfect and I had sent inappropriate messages to someone I shouldn’t have.

I needed to preface that because it’s only fair. He and I talked a little about separation and then he said he was seeing someone. He wouldn’t answer any of my questions about it when prompted. I was going through a lot and told myself I deserved it.

Fast forward and I’m back home. We are back in a really good position after weeks of intense individual counseling. I love him- and our family (we have 2 kids)… but I just found out through his Apple Watch who he was seeing.

I couldn’t sleep tonight and I had grabbed his watch to charge because he had kept saying he kept forgetting to charge it because he wants to wear it again. Something in me told me to look and I wish I hadn’t. I tapped her name and started scrolling. The exchanges of "I love you's" ripped my heart out. Additionally, the way he has been flirting with our neighbor has had me feeling some type of way.

These are both two women who are till this day in our everyday life and now I feel betrayed. How do I approach him about this or do I save it for therapy? Wish I was joking but I’m not.

jakedchi17 said:

He said he was seeing someone and you are in the military. Sounds like a tale as old as time.

LousyOpinions said:

You get an attorney and you allow your therapist to help you process your feelings about the divorce.

Lilith504 said:

Make sure to always save the evidence, he can delete it then you have nothing. What if he remembers the Apple Watch or he deletes everything and is more careful, lock down your evidence.

test_test_1_2_3 said:

You’re both cheaters in each others eyes, what’s left to save? Just split up and try to be good co parents. Did he do this in response to finding out you had been messaging someone or had it been going on before that? Either way? Nothing left worth saving, you’ll never trust each other and there’s no reason why you should.

UPDATE:

To preface- I did send explicit messages to someone and shared pictures. Never did anything physical happen and I am ashamed of my actions and have been actively seeking therapy and am currently in addiction recovery. I AM actively trying to better myself.

I confronted him this morning simply with: “hey- I need you to be real with me because I need to process it, set boundaries, and then determine if we can move on. Did you sleep with HER or HER or BOTH OF THEM” Him: “I guess you need to process it”

Me: “so both of them?” Him: “yes. I told you whatever you do that I would do ten fold. You knew I was heart broken” Me: “right and I understand that but I took accountability and KNOW that I wasn’t coping healthily and I’ve been ACTIVELY seeking help and trying to fix our marriage” Him: “okay well I guess I won’t come home later and that’s that”

Me: “no no no… you’re not going to turn this around and play victim and gaslight me. We are going to talk about this but right now I can’t talk because I’m angry and it will not be productive”

So…. Yes. He slept with our very close friend AND the neighbor. Both of them are engaged/married. Their spouses don’t know. Now, both of these people are actively in our life. The neighbor is a frequent visitor and the friend is always in conversation or trying to plan trips.

With this new information I will be processing today AND setting boundaries. I feel as if he thinks our marriage is important enough to save then he will be abiding. I know I sound fucking crazy but I know I’m not innocent and have been remorseful in my actions and realizing a deeper problem, and actively seeking help for it.. Anyways… I will update you guys after our talk later. Thank you.

After speaking to her husband, she shared a second update:

I haven’t updated because I feel like you all would attack me and say I’m crazy but: We had a very long sit down and asked questions back and forth. We had made an agreement when I got home from deployment to put things behind us and keep moving forward- with the stipulation that both of us do therapy and really refocus our relationship on being better for ourselves.

I cut off the “best friend” completely. And we had a sit down with the neighbor to set some major boundaries. It’s under my impression, from what he said- that the “best friend” wanted him as a full blown relationship and was try to coerce him to leave me. The neighbor was just a messed up friends with benefits thing. I told the neighbor she was no longer allowed over unless I was here.

She’s no longer allowed to message him at all hours of the day, and their messages will be monitored when prompted (he’s not allowed to delete messages). We both have agreed that this is entirely a fucked uo situation on both parts and it would do us better to just keep working on us and be the best partner and parents we can be.

I hope this update finds you well- I am looking into ART/EMDR Therapy to help with trauma and childhood issues that lead my self sabotaging decisions. He is actively in therapy and acknowledging his red flags with his therapist and openly beginning to communicate. This was a huge road block but…. The road is under construction and things have to be destroyed to be rebuilt……