Wife struggling with fertility learns husband impregnated another woman. Updated 6X
"I (26F) am pregnant after a fertility struggle/being told I may never get pregnant. My husband (42M) just admitted to having an affair & getting someone else pregnant. Not sure what to do."
ThrowRA-ornerychamp
My husband & I got married 3 years ago. When I was a teenager I was told that due to medical complications I may never be able to have children but after two years of trying and fertility treatments I’m now halfway through my pregnancy with our miracle baby.
Unfortunately because of some complications I had to cut back on my hours at work (it’s very physical). My husband offered to pick up more hours to compensate, so he has been working a lot more in the past 2 months and coming home later.
I couldn’t see that anything was amiss. Things were the same as they’ve always been. He always brings home flowers, food, things for the baby, coffee, he’s always sending me thoughtful and loving texts through the day. The gaps where he was unreachable were explainable.
But this morning he sat me down and gave me news that rocked me. He told me he’s been having an affair for the past six weeks and that his affair partner just found out that she’s pregnant.
He says that if she decides to keep the baby she’s going to raise it by herself and that they mutually agreed to end the relationship already. He wants to make things right. I don’t know how things can ever be right again. He just wants to move on from what he is calling his “transgression”.
How do I ever forgive him? How do you deal with the unthinkable? How do I learn to live with the idea that my child’s sibling might be out there somewhere someday? Most importantly, how do I learn to move on like he wants me to?
Edit:
I have an OB appointment for unrelated medical reasons tomorrow at which I will make sure to request extensive testing. I have plans to meet with a lawyer on Monday. I’m talking to my sister to see if I can stay with her; my relationships with much of my family are fractious but I have a pretty positive relationship with her.
I will not be seeking “other options” other than having my baby due to being pretty far along and having been told in the past I would not conceive. Regardless of what my husband has done I love my child.
Edit 2:
I saw my OB on Friday and will hopefully have some test results (fingers crossed for all negative!) within the next few days. I will meet the lawyer tomorrow and go from there. My sister advised me to stay in the house that my husband and I co own until I talk to a lawyer.
This has been such an emotionally harrowing time for me. He’s acting like everything is normal. All I want to do is sleep. I keep telling myself it’ll be over soon.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
idiocyengineer
Personally, the baby would get my maiden name & I’d serve him with divorce papers and child support.
lilpandatoys
I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t be okay having a baby with a man who just abandoned one.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRA-ornerychamp
I keep coming back to this. It sounds like she’s on the fence about the pregnancy (which is ultimately 100% her choice!), but the ease with which he’s willing to take the stance of just forgetting the whole thing happened is hard for me. I’m more than halfway through my pregnancy—23 weeks—so I’m in a different position.
alldemboats
first red flag? a 39 year old married a 23 year old. second red flag? he started an affair while you are pregnant. girl… run.
hiswife10
It sounds like he has no remorse and the only reason the affair ended was because she got pregnant. How could you possibly trust a man like him. It sounds like he is minimizing his affair. If she keeps the baby and they still work together, I highly doubt he will completely cut things off. She'll be in his life from now on. Are you okay with that?
A little over two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: my (26F) husband (42M) got another woman pregnant while I was already pregnant."
ThrowRA-ornerychamp
Where to begin?
First off, the OW decided to terminate her pregnancy, which was confirmed to me by her. Talking to her was really weird and didn’t answer a lot questions that I had for her. This is a person who knows me and has met me a number of times and I just don’t get it. The motivations on both sides don’t make any sense to me, and I don’t know if they ever will.
It helped to learn there was no romantic feelings but it was still confusing; especially since I perceive my husband and I to have a healthy love life (as often as 4-6 times per week) and I don’t really get what’s fun or exciting about leaving the boundaries of your marriage.
We are in therapy, separately and together. Going separately is helping me to sort out a lot of my own feelings, but I think that going together is essential one way or another as well.
He has been cooperative and participatory in therapy. I’m hopeful that we can figure at least some things out. We’ve had a lot of conversations about why it won’t be easy for me to just forgive this and why I need answers and changes in behavior and I do feel like I’ve been heard.
Divorce is not completely off the table, but it’s a hard situation to be in, especially in a vulnerable state like being pregnant. I’ve consulted with a lawyer and made my parameters clear to him, but for right now I want to try to work things out.
I know this isn’t the update that a lot of people probably hoped for, but for me I think this is the right choice. Thank you all for your words of encouragement, advice, and perspective. I definitely took a lot of things to heart and will remember them for a long time! It’s very appreciated.
Edit:
I want to make it clear since people seem confused—divorce is not off the table. What is off the table right now is trying to make a decision that will affect my life greatly when I’m already in an extremely vulnerable physical/mental position without making an attempt at healing both on my own and with him.
Even if we end up divorced in the end, allowing myself time means that things have a higher chance of being amiable and easier for all of us—especially our child.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Danthelmi
Dude in his 40s getting with someone in their 20s, knocks her up and gets another woman pregnant, and you are staying???? Hey man update us in another month where something inevitably goes wrong again.
andante528
"Transgression" is such an infuriating, dismissive word. It was a six-week affair. There were many, many transgressions that add up to betrayal of OP and their marriage. And he's not remorseful.
Personally, the fact that my partner put our baby's health at serious risk by having unprotected intimacy with another woman while still being active with me would be unforgivable.
west-bestern
Personally, I don't think I could reconcile with a man who not only cheated on me, but also put my health and my child's health at risk in the process. There are several STI's that a newborn can catch at birth and others that can cross the placenta and infect the baby in utero.
Most of these infections are DEADLY to a newborn. Not even his own child's life and safety was enough incentive for your husband to keep it in his pants. Think long and hard about that.
A month later, the OP again returned with an update.
"His affair(s) ruined everything"
ThrowRA-ornerychamp
Six months ago, my life was the best it has ever been. My husband and I had just found out that we were pregnant after IVF, our relationship seemed happy and strong as it ever has. Just absolutely on top of the world.
I found out he’d had an affair in mid-October where his AP had gotten pregnant as well. The AP terminated the pregnancy and I was prepared to work through things with him, even just to end up divorcing amicably.
Then I found out that shortly before we got married he’d had another affair that I never found out about previous. I was devastated beyond devastation. He said some things to me that I will never forget or be able to forgive.
I went into preterm labor at 26 weeks which they were able to stop, but after 4 weeks I’m still having a lot of complications and I may have to deliver the baby early. My husband has been nasty and uncooperative since we fought.
He hasn’t come to see me in the hospital even once in four weeks. My life was incredible before all of this / before I knew about all of this. I wish I could go back to that.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
JustSaying1981
First…recognize that your life was not “incredible” prior to this/finding out. It was a lie. It looks like he has a pattern of cheating so essentially your whole relationship has been a lie. It was a a facade that he created.
Second…do what’s right for you. Don’t let the stigma of being a single mom stop you from doing what needs to be done. Push him to the background, focus on your child, and contact family/friends to help support you. Then when things are a little calmer with your child and you’ve had time to organize contact a lawyer.
James85285
Hey OP, I’m very sorry. Your husband deliberately deceived you into marrying him and unfortunately, he’s doing everything he can to make the happiest moment in your life into miserable experience.
I hope you have family and friends that are supporting you through this, because you shouldn’t be alone with your sociopath husband. You deserve better! I’m cheering you on and hope the delivery goes well. Take care and be well.
Secret_Research_8988
He has not visited for four weeks? You need to put your emotions aside and look at the facts. Start the divorce process. If he really wants to change in a meaningful way you can always pause it.
A litte over a month later, the OP returned for a final update.
"Update: as it turns out, his affair didn’t really ruin anything."
ThrowRA-ornerychamp
I had been leaving little updates in this post but I thought I would (finally!) do one big update post in its own post. I think I’m finally getting better. I’m still sad. I still hurt. There are things that will take a really long time to get over. But in the time I’ve spent away from him I’ve come to value my freedom and myself as a person.
He didn’t come to see me in the hospital even once. He hasn’t come to see our baby even once. We had a big fight shortly before I went into the hospital (over his infidelity) and if he didn’t want to see me that’s his business, but not coming to see the baby we fought so hard for is… something else entirely.
But it was a sign for me that I can do this. We can do this. I can do better for my daughter and for myself. I have a lawyer now and I’m moving forward with divorce proceedings.
I know I will be okay; I don’t have to rely on him for anything. I’m sad about how all of this happened. I wish it didn’t happen. But I also know now that I can have a whole life beyond this, you know?
(also—our baby was born a little more than six weeks early and is ten days old now. She is still in the NICU just getting a little bit stronger but she’s doing amazing and should be home by the end of this month! I can’t wait to really start enjoying motherhood.)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after hearing everything the OP had to say:
maedocc
"I lived out our entire marriage as an exceptionally passive person. Gentle, endlessly forgiving, go with the flow. When i started to stand up for myself, the cracks started to show. But there were never problems before because i never made problems."
OP nailed it. The relationship only functioned when OP never made any waves, never said "no", never pushed back... which made sense because she was 22/23 when it started! Once she grew a bit of a spine, it was over.
peter095837
I'm happy to see OP making some progress and no longer wanting to associate with this man. This man is a disgrace as a husband and father and deserves to have karma bitting up his ass. What a disgusting pig for cheating and a deadbeat parent. I wish OP and the child to have a good future and all goes swell for them.
KelceStache
As a husband and a father - this dude doesn’t deserve the honor it is to be both.
Ok_Expression7723
16 year age difference when one of them is 22 years old is lifetimes. The power disparity screams volumes about how manipulative he is and what kind of relationship he wanted. I hope OP and her daughter build a great life for themselves.
alex3omg
I love that she was so supportive/empathetic to the other woman's situation. She's really a saint, I hope she gets her life to a better place and meets someone who deserves her.