'My husband is getting drinks with a coworker and I’m terrified.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My husband’s getting drinks with a coworker and I’m terrified."

My husband (35M) and I (34F) have been together for nine years, married for five. He was showing me a video on his phone the other day and a text came through from a female name I didn’t recognize.

I asked who it was and he said she’s a colleague from a company that his company works closely with. He has text previews turned off so I couldn’t actually see what was said but my suspicions were raised.

I know it’s wrong but when he was in the shower that evening I looked through his phone to see who this girl is and why she’s texting him. I found out that they’ve been getting coffee and lunch during the workday, sometimes to talk about work, sometimes not. Prior to last week, it was maybe once a month communications to plan these, but then she joined a board that he’s on last week.

So they had a board meeting and then seemed to go out as a group for drinks after until about 11. I did know that he was out with his colleagues during this time and wasn’t concerned. What is concerning is that he texted her that night making sure she got home safe and telling her how much fun he had but that he’d been hoping to have more opportunities to talk with her instead of everyone else.

The next morning, he texted her good morning and asking her to drinks one on one next week. She agreed and he said he couldn’t wait. Of course I looked her up and she’s a very beautiful woman, probably in her mid 20s.

I asked again later who she was and what their connection was. He reiterated that she’s a colleague and is helping get him connected with exciting opportunities in her organization. I know he’s been really focused on networking and she has a lot of high up community connections that it looks like she’s introduced him to. He’s also a friendly guy who likes to be involved, through board work and professional groups.

I don’t want to go scorched earth and accuse him of anything inappropriate since my insecurity has been a major issue we’ve had to work through in the past but I’m terrified he’s going to cheat on me. Would this send off alarm bells for you and how would you respond without accusing him and ruining the marriage?

Commenters were suspicious. This is what top commenters had to say:

Sure-Plum-1970 said:

As a woman who works in corporate America, the text he sent after the work happy hour was completely inappropriate, especially paired with a good morning text and invitation for drinks the following week. He is 100% pursuing an emotional affair with this woman, and if it progresses, I’m pretty confident it will become physical too, assuming she is also interested.

I’m really sorry, but I do think you have a right to be upset/suspicious/all of the things. You are justified… please don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are insecure or crazy for finding this inappropriate.

Optics are important when you are married. If a male colleague wanted to have a networking meeting with me, I would suggest coffee during the day or a lunch meeting, and keep the messages very professional. You don’t do “drinks” alone with someone of the opposite sex for networking and you don’t send them cute text messages.

Appropriate_Big8193 said:

Wakes up and says good morning and plans a one on one drinks? Yeah that’s weird.

Future_Pineapple said:

Owned my company 30 years before selling it. Was on a number of boards and was constantly networking to, as were 25 other salesmen/managers that worked for me. I had a rule that I do business between 7am until 6pm. No late nite dinners or drinks at the bar while conducting company business after the 6pm time frame. I expected the same from those that worked for me.

The weekends were their's to enjoy and I did not want to here back that they were golfing with, wining or dining other people under the disguise that it was "for business" I made sure that spouses new this rule also.

I didn't want my company to be used as tool/excuse for people to ruin their marrages! I received nothing but positive feedback on this, especially from spouses. As mare parents use to tell me "nothing good happens after midnite if you are out and about"

And ainthard2find said:

33 (M) - this is not normal behavior. Texting a female coworker the morning after getting drinks to say you had a good time and want to get drinks 1:1 is aggressive. Based off that exchange, they may not have gotten physical yet but she’s on his mind, for sure.

Four days later, she shared an update. And not a good one.

Well, you were all correct.

I continued to monitor his texts without saying anything and he continued to be flirty, texting her good morning, telling her how he couldn’t wait to see her, and how happy he was to hear from her throughout the day.

They did go out for dinner and drinks the other night. It sounds like it must’ve gone well, since they’re now having flat out conversations to set the frame work for their affair.

They’ve discussed that they want to keep things private and out of work, that she doesn’t like that he’s married, that they both have mutual feelings and are going to continue and are on the same page about everything, and that she initially didn’t want to start this but has developed feelings she can’t ignore, while my husband told her that he’s always had these feelings and couldn’t resist her.

Not sure if anything physical happened, but I’m assuming it did. I thought I’d be heartbroken but now I’m just furious. I’m getting my affairs in order to confront him and end the marriage. Thanks for all the feedback and advice.