'I'm upset my husband didn't tell me who he was with.' UPDATED
"I'm upset my husband didn't tell me who he was with."
I’m 35 my husband is 37. We have two sons 8 & 11. I recently got my hours switched so I’m working afternoons but luckily my in laws watch them most days after school but two days out of the school week my husband goes into work early so he can get out early and be home with them.
When this began he started making a point to do something fun with them every afternoon he’s with them (not always something big, sometimes just a fun activity at home or going to play football at the park, a hike, etc.). They always have a really good time. A lot of the time my kids tell me that my youngest son's best friend Oliver comes along.
I just assumed that either Oliver’s parents were coming or my husband was watching all 3 of them. Today I was looking through some photos my older son took and saw the same woman in a lot of them, talking to my husband. I asked my son who it was and he said it was Oliver’s babysitter (25f) and she comes with them regularly-as in, nearly every time.
When I asked my husband why he didn’t tell me about it he seemed genuinely confused and asked me who I thought was coming along and I told him, he just shrugged and was like well, she’s been coming. I asked for clarification on how often and he was like well basically every time Oliver comes with us somewhere.
I don’t know exactly why but I feel weird he didn’t tell me about this, but he seems to genuinely taken aback that I didn’t know/realize it that I don’t know if he’s being genuine or just wants to act like it’s not a big deal so I don’t act like it’s a big deal. I’ve asked my sons, they don’t say much about her other than ‘her and dad talk a lot’ and one of my sons talks about how she has ‘pretty hands’.
I told my husband that I was kind of bothered by this, and he seemed kind of annoyed. He was like, I don’t know what you expect me to do, she’s the kid’s babysitter and our son insists on having the kid come with us, so she needs to come too.
So I told him that was fine but I just wanted to know about it, and he answered that he didn’t get bothered when the boys had playdates and the dads would come over and it would just be me or them or when we needed drives to soccer practice and one of the dads drove us.
He says he thinks me being bothered by this is just because he’s a man but I think it’s more of the fact that it was something I had no idea about, I had no clue she was there coming with them and only found out because of that picture I saw.
OP added this clarification in the comments:
She is not our babysitter. She is the babysitter of our youngest sons best friend. I looked through his messages this morning.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
carlorway said:
It sounds like the "pretty hands" comment was something your son heard your husband say. What kid says stuff like that?
throwRAfgkj OP:
It struck me as odd as well. I’ve never heard him say something like that.
Few_Employment5424 said:
Its odd he never shared a single conversation he had with her if they talk so engagingly
etakknow said:
It could really be nothing, unless you noticed there’s a change in his daily habits, like always on the phone, being secretive on his phone usage, etc.
You’re warranted to be upset. This is a woman you don’t know about that’s going with them when they had fun times, twice a week. He should at least mentioned this to you and he cannot compare that with the dads coming over for play dates. He knew the dads. You don’t know the babysitter and never heard of her until now.
[deleted] said:
Give him the benefit of the doubt but be cautious. My wife had an issue with a therapist I was seeing... I simply stopped going. It isn't a control thing, it's a respect thing. If something or somebody makes you uncomfortable, it's your husband's job to rectify the situation. If I were you, I'd tag along with your husband one day when you know she'll be present.
This will give you the opportunity to introduce yourself, establish some boundaries and gauge their reaction(s). If your husband is hesitant in ANY regard to you meeting her, start investigating.
throwRAfgkj OP:
I offered to invite her over for dinner, since I'd like to get to know her since she and the kids spend so much time together, and he said no
Info: how old are your children?
throwRAfgkj OP:
8 and 11
The next day, she shared this update: "I found texts to my brother in law from my husband about our sons' best friends babysitter."
My husband (37m) didn’t tell me that my sons' best friends babysitter (25f) was coming with them to nearly every single one of their outings. I was a bit upset by this because I had no idea who she was, that she was spending all of this time with them. I found out by looking through photos my son took of their most recent hike and seeing her there.
My husband was acting really nonchalant about it, acting really surprised that I saw anything odd about it He immediately dropped the issue, but I wasn’t sure if he wasn’t making it a big deal so I didn’t make it a big deal.
He was acting completely normal last night, and then as I was cleaning up the kitchen I overheard him talking to his friend from his office (I had the kitchen window open and he must have opened up his office window). I overheard him saying how he thinks he’s all good now, he thinks ‘she’s’ dropped it.
That was the only I heard and I assumed I was the she he was talking about. I know it was nothing damning but between the situation of him not telling me about the babysitter and then this I had my suspicions way up.
This morning I went through his phone. I know it wasn’t the right thing to do but I just had such a bad gut feeling. I did find her in his phone, but all of the messages with the exception of one that was sent this morning and is asking if he has the boys today or not But I did find messages about her between him and his brother, talking about her. My husband absolutely gushes about her, like an obsessed little boy.
He says how funny and amazing she is, how beautiful her eyes are, how much he loves her laugh. Theres one point where he says that he thinks one of our sons has a crush on her and his brother replied something along the lines of can’t imagine where he gets that from, it must run in the family.
I’m completely crushed, I didn’t talk to him about any of this yet because I barely spoke to him at all this morning before he left for work, I don’t know if I should confront him or Leah or his brother. Or if I should just pack my stuff and go.
Here's what people had to say after this update:
He should have brought it up before she discovered their photographic evidence.
throwRAfgkj OP:
That’s why I’m not sure if he’s acting like it’s nothing so I think it’s nothing
It is something.
Please for the love of God show up to one of their meetings. Just pop up and be like I'm so glad I finally get to meet you. And be nice to this woman. If she acts weird or hateful towards you then you've got big issues. After that have a calm sit down talk with your husband about the amount of time he's spending with her and tell him it needs to stop.
Personally I think he's cheating deleting text messages is so f*%#^%g fishy. If he refuses to stop seeing her then you need to be prepared to start the divorce process.
throwRAfgkj OP:
I’m definitely considering doing this.
Yes ,yes, and yes. Show up at one of their playdates.
throwRAfgkj OP:
That are supposed to meet up later on today. I’m trying to get off of work early.
Whaaaaat?!? Oh gosh. How did you find out? There is no reason the boys need two adults.
You can do this. Be strong.
throwRAfgkj OP:
I saw a text from her on his phone this morning asking if he had the boys tonight. It was the only text he had from her (I’m assuming he deleted all previous ones). He hadn’t answered yet when I saw the message. But then a few hours later he texted me telling me he was taking the boys out to a park this afternoon. I can’t confirm she’s going to be there but considering she’s there for all the other times
Take screenshots. (He is going to deny it all or delete them all.)
Then you confront him. He is the one you made vows with. Not Leah or your BIL.
Set firm boundaries that he delete her from his phone and apps and to no longer be in contact with her. Lay down the law. Explain the future consequences. If he sneaks or does it anyway, contact an attorney. You will have the evidence already.
throwRAfgkj OP:
I have pictures of the messages on my phone
Good. Put them in a secure folder. Don't tell him you have copies. You can tell him you saw them, though.
throwRAfgkj OP:
I think I’m going to confront him this afternoon
The text from the babysitter is odd too. Why would she ask if he has the boys today? Does she not know y’all are together raising your sons so he has access to the boys everyday? It’s a weird phrasing to me. If she was setting up a playdate with the boys she would ask differently.
Have you talked to Oliver’s mom about this inappropriate behavior?
throwRAfgkj OP:
He doesn’t watch the boys every afternoon, only twice a week. Usually he’s working. No, I haven’t spoken to his mother yet
Were the messages between him and her deleted? (I didnt understand). If the messages were deleted 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Btw, he was LYING BY OMISSION 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He messaging her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He having a crush on her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
His brother knows and seems to be playing "wing man" instead of setting him straight 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would be HEARTBROKEN
throwRAfgkj OP:
Yes, I’m assuming the messages were deleted last night. There was only one message from her on his phone, it had been sent this morning.
What happened? Did you show up? Did you restore those texts? What was hubby saying? Was it all innocent or not?
throwRAfgkj OP:
I have not gotten out of work yet.
The next day, she shared this second update: "I confronted my husband."
Sorry I didn’t update sooner it’s been a long awful night. I got out of work early and went to the park and they were there. When I got there I saw she was wearing one of my husbands hoodies and that’s when I basically knew everything I thought was confirmed.
It was a hoodie that he had bought on a vacation we had gone to as a family I don’t know why but thats still the thing that I keep going back to is that she was wearing his hoodie.
As I was driving up to the park I was watching them and if you didn’t know them or who they were you would have thought they were one big family thats how they were interacting. It honestly made me sick seeing how familiar she was with my husband and my kids when I didn’t even know who she was.
I watched them for a minute and then I saw my husband put his hand around her waist literally right there in front of our kids and I saw red. When I went into the park my oldest son saw me first and said something to my husband.
He walked over to me and asked me if I really left work early to come ‘spy’ on him and I told him yeah I did, and I was glad I did because I saw him playing happy family with my kids and a random woman.
And he told me I was overreacting, that they were playing in the park, he had put his hand on his waist to steady her because she was about to fall and she was wearing his hoodie because it was unexpectedly cold out. Everything he had an answer for. At some point Leah came over and said it was ‘clearly not a good time’ and that she was going to take Oliver home.
I said something along the lines of you’re wearing my husband’s hoodie and playing with my kids and you’re not even going to introduce yourself to me? And right in front of her my husband flipped out on me and called me rude, telling me that this is exactly why he hadn’t introduced me to Leah and then goes to her, “This is what I deal with every f****@g day.”
She just looked at me and told me her name and then told my husband she’d talk to him later and went to go get Oliver, at this point our boys came back over and asked why Oliver and Leah were leaving and my husband just told them to get in the car and told me we’d talk about it more at home.
When we got there he flipped out on me. He told me that I had embarrassed him and the boys (and of course they defended him 100% and were completely upset at me that I had ‘made’ Oliver leave and them come home early). I told him that if he wasn’t going to act trustworthy (hiding what he was doing/with who, deleting texts, being touchy/feely with another woman) then I wasn’t going to treat him with trust.
I told him I didn’t trust him because it seemed like he had feelings for Leah and was trying to hide it from me.That’s when he really lost it and he told me that yes he has feelings for her, how could he not, look at the way I treated him. I asked him for clarification, how deep were his feelings for Leah? He wouldn’t answer. So I asked him if he’d ever done anything with her.
And he said yeah, they kissed a few weeks back. And he was still trying to process all of it and how he felt about her. I lost it and started yelling at him and he didn’t try to defend himself. But once I started calling her names he told me to shut up and keep her out of it.
Any time I said something bad about her he flipped out on me and I think thats what hurt the most was him not caring at all about my feelings or anything like that but whenever I would say things that were true like how she was a home wrecker or anything he suddenly becomes all gallant about defending HER honor.
Right now I’m staying with my sister since my sons don’t want anything to do with me along with my husband.I’m going to go back over there today while the boys are at practice.
Final update: "Update on my husband cheating situation."
Thank you to everyone for your kind words of advice and support. This isn’t a situation a few days ago I ever dreamed I would be in. I haven’t slept more than four hours since all of this started and I feel completely numb and empty.
I went back home yesterday and my husband was there, since my in-laws had taken the kids to practice. I told him I had a lot of questions and I just wanted him to answer honestly. I asked him if he wanted to be married to me and he answered honestly and said no. I asked him how long he had been in love with Leah and he had said for a few months.
I asked him if he was ever going to tell me and he said that he was but he didn’t know when the best time would be. I asked if they had slept together and he said no they had only kissed, but he wasn’t very convincing. I asked if/what the boys knew and he said he didn’t think our youngest knows anything but that our oldest son might have ‘noticed some things’ and ‘might have an idea what’s going on’.
He’s going to be living in the apartment we have in the basement. I’m going to speak to a lawyer on Monday and preemptively put myself and the kids in therapy. I made him show me all messages that he had screenshots of and he showed them to me. They were hidden in a folder within a folder in his email, so even if I went through his phone I wouldn’t have found them unless I knew exactly where to look.
This wasn’t just a physical affair he has deep feelings for her. I think the hardest part for me is the fact that our sons were involved. That’s the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. Again thanks for all of the words of encouragement and support. I’m sorry if I forgot anything.
Here's what people had to say after this final update:
What was Oliver’s mother’s reaction to the situation?
throwRAfgkj OP:
She said she was very sorry to hear about it and that she had noticed the two of them spending a lot of time together.
Did she ever think that maybe she should have told you? Did she fire her? Why would she want a babysitter that was carrying on an affair while watching her kid? Did you tell her you don’t want Leah around when your kids play together? This whole situation is beyond messed up. So sorry
What was Oliver’s mother’s reaction to the situation?
throwRAfgkj OP:
She said she was very sorry to hear about it and that she had noticed the two of them spending a lot of time together.
Is she going to fire Leah?
throwRAfgkj OP:
No, I don’t think she is.
Ok, and now I'm angry at Oliver's mom too. I keep typing out more and deleting it because I don't want to get banned from the sub, but JFC what is she thinking.
I'm so sorry.