'I think my husband is sleeping with the babysitter.' UPDATED 3X

"I think my husband is sleeping with the babysitter."

Advice needed:

I’m still trying to process this in my mind while typing this out. Husband and I have been together for 6 years married for 4. We have 2 children a 2 year old, and 4 year old. Both of us work full time, I’m realtor and husband owns his own business.

We’ve had a number of different nannies in the past. Sometimes our parents end up watching the kids. About 8 months ago my husband told me that one of his friend’s daughter (we’ll call her Ella (20F)) was looking for a part time job during college. We live in a small college town, so her commute wouldn’t be far.

We tried her out one night, and it went smoothly. She’s always been nice to me, and the kids love her. My suspicions started last month when I came home early to find my husband had been home. Ella was also at the house babysitting.

I asked my husband why he didn’t send her home if he was home. His response was “She’s just trying to make a little money, and that the kids were having fun.” Then 2 weeks ago I drove by my husband’s office on the way to a meeting, and her car was parked there. I asked my husband later about what Ella was doing at the office. He said that she probably stopped by to see her dad.

Now when I come home home Ella is always dressed up more with makeup done, and heels on. 2 days ago I found strands of blonde hair in the back seat of my husband’s truck. I have blonde hair, but this was closer to Ella’s shade. Also I don’t think my husband would do anything in the backseat since he’s 6’6 240 pounds.

Last night I found the opportunity to check my husband’s phone while he was with the kids. I didn’t find any romantic texts between them, but I could definitely tell that text messages had been deleted. If you read the conversation it didn’t make sense, because it was obviously missing the middle part.

I talked to my friend this morning, and she pointed out that my husband has a type (blonde women). Ella falls perfectly in that category. Should I confront him right now, or should I wait to find something more concrete?

Here's what people had to say to OP after the original post:

ProudConversation520 says:

He may not be sleeping with her… yet. But it sounds like she’s coming on to him. I would tell him that you’ve grown uncomfortable with her babysitting and you’d like to look for someone else. He honest with him. He will probably get mad whether he’s cheating or not, if he’s not he will be mad that you don’t trust him, but hopefully he will agree to a babysitter change

Puzzled_Cut9144 OP responded:

I think that her coming onto him is a really good possibility. I’ve brought up trying a different nanny, but he always says that the kids love Ella more than us.

thesurrenderedwife replied:

I don’t think the kids happiness with the babysitter should come before your comfortability. No accusations need to be made, but I’m sorry Ella, it’s time to go. And I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Chi_Baby says:

Does he have an iPhone? You can see recently deleted texts if you click “edit” at the top of the message chat list. Actually on android you can do that as well. He may be aware you can delete the recently deleted texts folder, but he also may not be aware and you might find exactly what you’re looking for.

Puzzled_Cut9144 OP responded:

I’ll try that tonight when I get home

Info from OP:

He cheated on me once before in college. We had been dating for 3 months, and he promised it would never happen again. This is the first time since then I’ve ever suspected anything.

I asked her if she was dating anyone recently, and she said she wasn’t looking to date right now

Update from OP later that day:

Nanny is currently at the house right now. Tracked husband using Find my iPhone, and he’s also headed home (30 minute drive). They both think I’ll be working until 7pm today. I’m going to walk into the house 15 minutes after husband gets home unannounced.

Not sure what the plan is if I catch them. I unfortunately don’t have access to his phone logs, since his phone plan is through his business. We have cameras on the outside of the house. We have a baby monitor near the kid’s bed. I’m not ready to fire her unless I get solid evidence of my husband cheating. I need to know if my husband is having any sort of romantic relationship with her first.

Update from OP the next day:

I wasn’t able to get the concrete evidence I was looking for, but some more circumstantial evidence. Tracked husband through find my iPhone. He stopped on his way home at the grocery store for 10 minutes. I decided to park and wait on a side street. That way I could see when my husband would get home.

Husband got home at 5:30pm. Ella was scheduled to work until 6pm. We have a long gravel driveway that leads to our house, I decided to park near the barn so I wouldn’t be heard pulling up to the house. Walked in the front door, and found Ella feeding my 4 year old. She was also preparing dinner in the kitchen.

Today she had on a tight top, skirt, and platform heels. I asked if she knew where my husband was, she replied “he was upstairs taking a shower.” She then immediately went over to the living room to pick up her phone and send a text message to someone. Also in the living room were a fresh bouquet of flowers.

I asked her about the flowers, and she said a guy she’s been seeing gave them to her today. She said she didn’t want to leave them in the car, so she brought them inside. I asked her about the guy that she was seeing. She said he was from school, and wasn’t sure if it was going anywhere.

I went upstairs to see if my husband left his phone was in the bedroom. He left his phone on the dresser. Sure enough the newest text message was from Ella that read “Your wife is home.” I tried looking up the deleted messages on his phone, but they had been permanently deleted.

I decided to wait in our bedroom for my husband to come out of the shower. He comes out and is surprised to see me in the bedroom. Told him my 6:30 showing got canceled. I tried to initiate sex to see how he would react. He said he didn’t feel comfortable doing it while Ella was in the house.

At this point Ella was upstairs in my younger son’s room which shares a wall with our room. Ella leaves the house at 6pm with the flowers. After dinner my husband mentioned to me about buying Ella a new car for Christmas, and his reasoning was that her car was old and not safe for our kids to ride in. I told him that I would think about it.

I’m thinking about firing her on Monday without telling my husband, and see how they both react. I’m still trying to process everything going on. Still hoping all of this is just me overthinking. I really love my husband, and I can’t stand the thought of our beautiful family splitting up. Thanks for all the advice

Here's what people had to say after the update:

planttladyy says:

After reading the new update, there’s no way he’s not cheating. He went to the store…she has flowers in your house…skimpy outfit…deleted texts. They both need to go.

sunshineandrainbow62 says:

I would fire her for her in appropriate nannying clothes.

Specialist_While_634 says:

Please don't confront now and mess up. Sorry you're going through this situation and sincerely hope you are not being betrayed.

Final update from OP 3 days after the original post:

I would like to thank everyone for their support, and ideas on how to deal with this situation. Yesterday morning I met up with Ella and told her that we wouldn’t be needing her services anymore due to my little sister being available to watch the kids (which is true).

She quietly said that she understood, and said to let her know if I would change my mind. Husband called me 5 minutes later sounding very upset about Ella being fired. I think Ella told him, but he claimed her dad told him that we fired her.

I told him that was my final decision, and there was no changing it. He came home 20 minutes later and asked me why I didn’t talk to him first about firing her. I told him about everything I’ve noticed between them from the texts to the clothing attire she wears.

He denied everything, and said it was all in my head. I told him if you want this marriage not to end in a divorce he had to cut all contact with Ella. After 1 hour of arguing he finally agreed to not contact her anymore. I honestly don’t have the mental energy to deal with a divorce, split my kids, date again.

I don’t want to be the single mom always busy and unhappy. I told him to never bring her up again. I don’t know 100 percent if they had an affair, but I think it’s better for my health not to find out. I think I’m going to quit my job, and raise my kids, work on my marriage.

I’m not sure if this was all because I’ve been working a lot of hours and have been distant from my husband. Thanks again for all the support. One more thing men stop messaging me pictures of your 🍆 on Reddit.

Here's what people had to say to OP after her final update:

Terrible-Wave-1238 says:

You gottaa demand open device and tracking. No deleting of messages. No separate accounts full transparency. He’s just gonna go underground.

Puzzled_Cut9144 OP responded:

Completely forgot to add that I told his mom.

StrongTxWoman says:

Quitting your job? It is a big mistake most divorced women make. Who is going to hire you again with a big lapse of employment history (generally for most women in most situations. There are exceptions but they are few and far between.)

MoonWhip says:

Somehow I don’t think firing her is going to fix their marriage.

blue_bonnet77 says:

Even if he never talks to Ella again, I'm afraid you will find your marriage will be totally miserable from this point on.

Puzzled_Cut9144 OP responded:

That’s fine as long as I get to see my 2 boys everyday.

MoneyPrinter12 says:

The fact he’s arguing with you and fighting for her says he prioritizes that girl and it was more than professional between them. You need open access to everything. Invest in nanny cams. Contact a lawyer about a postnuptial agreement with an infidelity clause.