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'I thought I had forgiven my husband for cheating, until I fell in love with someone else.' UPDATED

'I thought I had forgiven my husband for cheating, until I fell in love with someone else.' UPDATED


"I thought I had forgiven my husband for cheating on me, until I fell in love with someone else."

I (34F) have been with my husband Will (38M) for 10 years, married for 7. We have a child (5M). 4 years ago I found out he was having an affair. A story as old as time itself - the classic signs were all there - distant, long work hours, smiling at his phone etc. So oneday after he went to bed I checked his phone, found out it was the fresh graduate (23F at that time) that joined his company the previous year.

From the messages it was PA & EA that has been going on for atleast 6 months. The cheap hotel sex was hard to read about, but what was worse was how emotionally connected he was, calling each other nicknames, doing things that were historically 'our' things. No, it was too much.

I took all screenshots, packed bags for my kid and I, called my brother to come pick me up for my parent's house, and when my brother was here woke my husband to tell him I was leaving. By the end of the week I had already had a consultation with the lawyer. There was no going back.

For the next two years (yes, years not months) my husband tried relentlessly to win me back. He did everything and he did everything right. Begging and groveling, said he was blinded by the attention he got, cut off the girl immediately, switched jobs within 2 months, booked counselling sessions that he begged me to attend, made progress in counselling, read books - you name it.

He was visiting our son almost everyday after work and weekends, when he wasnt here he would text me where he was, also shared his location. I saw genuine and consistent change and remorse in him, and after 6 months me and the baby moved back with him. Things did get better and better everyday for the next 1.5 years until we reached the 'normal' state that we are at now.

I cant explain why, or what it is, but during the last 4 years I feel like I have been in an emotional limbo. things are 'normal' as I said - we go on dates, have sex, have family - just like before. But I feel emotionally detached from him. Like I cant be all in. I know I have forgiven him and now I dont even think about the affiar every day,

neither do I have any reason to doubt him anymore, but I also dont feel this love for him like before. He seems to think we are back to our old relationship, but I feel like we are very friendly roommates that smile and wave and just go with the flow. I thought this was my new reality, and I was never gonna get the 'old me' back, until I met Jake.

I met Jake (35M) about a year ago on our local subreddit. He posted about a hobby we share and i commented. Its a rather uncommon hobby so not many people have interest in it. Then DM, chitchat and such. The first month was nothing but talk of this hobby.

Then we slowly started to get to know each other, he is a widower and I told him I have a family. We met a few time for coffee after work and for the hobby (yes my husband knows that I am meeting this new friend Jake for the hobby, he doesn't know I found Jake on Reddit).

I dont know how to word it properly, but I am finally 'happy' and back to my old self, and the reason for that is Jake. We have fallen for each other over the last year, and have confessed our feelings for each other. I never thought I would feel this way again, and yet here I am.

We have never done anything physical, only met in public but this is certainly emotional infidelity towards my husband. On one hand I understand that emotions are not rational and it is my husband's doing that we are here, but on the other hand I feel extremely guilty because he has been trying so hard to reconcile. I also feel so angry at him these days for putting me in this position.

Also, in the middle of all this I am in pain that I cant be with Jake and am shackled to my married life. Jake says he understands my duties as a mother and would never ask me to do anything I didnt want to, but he was there for me and my kid if I wanted.

I dont know why I made this post, maybe to clear my head. What do I do? where do I go from here? Do I torpedo my marriage and all the hardwork we have put into reconciliation to pursue a fling with someone I just met that may or may not turn into anything serious? Do I wipe him out and go back to whatever limbo of a marriage that I have left and just suck it up?

UPDATE, four months after original post:

I made a post here in early January about my my husband’s affair and subsequently my EA. It’s in my profile. The tldr of that is that husband cheated years ago, we worked on reconciliation and move on, or so I thought, until I met someone else a year ago that made me realize I have not healed as well as I thought, and I fell for this new man.

Thank you to everyone who read it and commented, most of which were surprisingly supportive. Idk why I even made the original post - I guess I was feeling really down around Christmas and new years, and just wanted to vent and even have someone talk some sense into me. But redditors have helped me see things more clearly, and I am grateful to you for that.

A lot has happened since then but if you don’t want to read it all here’s the summary - I have started the divorce proceedings with my husband, and we’re working out the legalities. Idk where I stand with Jake. First answers to some faq:

Yes we both have jobs and financial independence

Is my husband still cheating on me? Well, I honestly couldn’t say. But based on the data I have on hand - his behaviour, his phone activity, involvement with the kid and myself, time accounted for, no work travels or anything - I am fairly certain he’s not. But who knows if he’s a master manipulator.

The hobby that we share is fairly niche and I don’t want to reveal it in case someone identifies us (we have made other friends there too). But it’s nothing sporty or physical. Think more like pottery or painting (although they’re not niche).

Some people asked why I haven’t given any thought to my son in all this. I think they’re missing the point. Firstly, what relevance info could I post about him? And secondly why do you think I reconciled with my husband? Certainly not for me. Whatever we decide our son will be our priority and well taken care of. I’ll keep him out of this post too.

Onto the update: I read all the comments and all that was said here, and finally had the courage to admit that yes this was a sham marriage. I was not proud of my own actions, but I had to go.

A few days after i posted I went no with Jake. I told him I couldn’t do this right now, this wasn’t me and more importantly I needed to focus on my mess. Idk what future holds, but for now we’d have to stop. He said he understood and supported my decision, and would be here if I ever wanted to reach out. That’s the end of that.

In the mean time I disclosed some of this to my closest friends and family. They all supported me and been there for me. My best friend also helped me plan and process all this, find a lawyer, go to appointments etc. I have been strategizing the legal aspects for the last couple of months.

About two weeks ago I had a sit down with my husband and asked him for a divorce. It wasn’t pretty. He was surprised, desperate, sad, angry. A lot was said l, some of which I am not proud of. He begged me to work on it, was surprised when I brought up his affair, was angry that I led him on for 4 years, to which I asked him if he was sad because he missed out on his chance with AP

(because let’s face it cheaters beg for their partner and when the partner turns them down they go right back to AP, as if they had a backup plan all along). This hurt him a lot and I shouldn’t have said it, but I’ve been thinking about it for 4 years.

I told him all about Jake as well, but made it clear that regardless of that I’ll be leaving. I just couldn’t trust him anymore. I was at my lowest point during a very difficult pregnancy and birth, all of which he was there for. He saw me struggle to breastfeed the baby, suffer from sleep deprivation, go through all of this. Instead of supporting his wife and son, how did he have the time to go have an affair?

I can’t wrap my head around. He has been sleeping in the guest room since then. We have had many conversations since then, and I think he is finally getting around to accepting that it’s over. He’ll move out this weekend. We’ve agreed to keep things civil, but we’ll see how it goes. Thank you for taking the time to read it. Keep me in your prayers. Good night

Sources: Reddit
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