Here's the original post:
TL;DR My wife (Who I never knew was interested in girls) had an affair with female coworker. Despite claiming she wants reconciliation, she just went away on a weekend trip with the AP and some other coworkers --only mentioning the AP was going as I dropped her off at the airport.
Edit to add: D-Day is Discovery Day, AP is Affair Partner, WS is Wayward Spouse, EA is Emotional Affair and STBX is Soon-To-Be Ex Thanks - u/Nole7
D-day was 6 months ago this week. I wasn't suspicious in the least, but accidentally saw a text message that caused me to look at another message which revealed that my wife was having an affair with a female co-worker. She claims it never went further than sexting, but the texts reference physical acts.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt we'll call it an emotional affair. She was also having problems with drinking. She was apologetic when she got caught and agreed to go to counseling and do whatever it took to make things work. I went to counseling too and was attempting reconciliation.
We both grew up Mormon and left the church a few years back, but because of that experience, we are both a bit messed up as to what is acceptable and normal in a relationship and with alcohol, etc. That makes this doubly hard. I was raised to think homosexuality was wrong, but have changed and don't have a problem with it.
I do have a bit of a problem when my wife decides to cheat on me by having an affair with a woman. Both of us want to make things work for the kids. At least that is what we say. We both came from divorced parents and wanted our kids to not have that.
Cutting off her AP/coworker was not really possible given the circumstances. I asked her to not be involved with her outside of work. She agreed. She also cut back on drinking and going out. She said that she was open and willing to do whatever. Gradually I noticed that she was still being sneaky from time to time.
After I caught her and confronted her, she no longer texted regularly with AP on text messages, instead she went to snapchat where I could see she was the most recent message, but couldn't see what was shared. Last month I going to help her with her phone and she snatched it away nervously when a notification sound went off and I saw it was snap from the AP.
She said they just chat casually about work stuff. On a weekend? yeah right. She assures me nothing is going on. I think it is more that her AP is not willing to leave her marriage and so my wife doesn't really have an option. I repeated again that I would prefer she not be involved with her.
Last weekend I went out with her to a covid-safe outdoor work event. She drank heavily and afterwards convinced me to go somewhere else with a group that included her AP. I pretended to be okay and went along with it, including an awkward interaction with the AP.
Driving home a very drunk wife, she talked about how good and loyal i was and then proceeded to tell me the perfect person for me was someone else we knew. She said that she still wanted to make it work. She also told me for the first time that she had told a parent and sibling of hers about what she had done.
Yesterday, she told one of my siblings what she had done. Without telling me first and, I think, knowing that it would piss me off. She had a semi valid excuse for why, but didn't think it was bad until I said what if I called up another of your siblings and told.
Today I was driving her to the airport. She is going for a weekend away with some coworkers. She previously named two people that were not her AP and I was okay with it. As we are pulling up to drop her off, I ask where she is staying and she describes a different place than what she told me originally. I said why did it change? She said it just didn't work out. I said, so who is going--X and Y?
She says yeah, oh and AP. I lost it and called her a f****** b****. I took her to the drop and we talked for a couple of minutes. She tried to gaslight me and said we talked about this. I told you. I said no you didn't and I know she knows we didn't by the way she disclosed it to me. She promises that nothing is happening between them and I said I don't know that and I have no reason to trust you.
She tells me that she doesn't love AP, she just liked the friendship and got caught up in it. Also, said that AP doesn't want to destroy her own marriage. I told her that she needed to figure out what she wants out of life and she says I want this and our family. I said your decisions don't reflect that. I told her to take the weekend to think about it.
After I left she called to apologize and said she should have been honest with me and that she doesn't know why she is being like this. She offered to stay home. I told her no--she should go and have fun and think about if that is what you want. She said you should do the same.
I said, I know what I want. I'm not the one that went and had an affair. I'm still here despite what you've done. I said you really need to think about the consequences, reminding her that divorce is expensive. I said I'm not saying that to threaten you, just to say that you should know I won't be taken advantage of in that situation. She knows that financially we are stronger together.
It has been six months and this is the closest I have been to calling it quits. I know some will see that as the best option. Others may not. I wanted reconciliation and knew that it wouldn't be easy, but she is making even harder.
Based on what I've written, I'm guessing most of you can see the writing on the wall better than I can--she is probably done right? Should I keep trying? Is there anything to salvage or just cut my losses and stop the status quo. Am I stupid?
Struck Down but Not Destroyed. This is on you. She has no reason to change, because you are all noise and no action. Sorry to be so harsh, but you've done nothing to change her assessment of you as not deserving her respect. Encouraging her to take a trip with co- workers, who obviously knew what was going on. C'mon man!
She literally just went on vacation with her AP and tried to lie and gas light you about it. I think she's made her decision and I think you should respect that and find a lawyer.
I think you should reach out to the AP's spouse about the affair/situation while the 2 of them are enjoying their weekend getaway. Ask the AP's spouse what he/she knows about their affair. Open a line of communication with the spouse, it's harder to hide an affair when BOTH betrayed spouses are aware of it, and are watching. Let them both come home to a sh!t storm.
And Kranock said:
So your wife lied to you, cheated on you, then she acts as if she wants to reconcile while she still entertains her AP and when the whole circle repeats, the lies and even the planned cheating, you tell her that she should think about what she wants?
That is wrong on so many levels. YOU need to think about what YOU want. Do you want to grow old with a woman that lies and cheats on you? A woman that doesn't respect you and knows, even after she planned a whole weekend with her AP, that you will take her back?
With that mindset she will only go on cheating on you. When she returns from the trip, she should find a home where she is no longer welcome to make it clear, that you don't allow anyone to treat you like that!
I made and got lit up by people telling me to leave after my WS went on a weekend getaway with a group of coworkers that included the AP. The most egregious part is that she told me the AP was going about 30 seconds before I dropped her off at the airport.
When she got back we had a talk and told me I had ruined her weekend. The AP was angry at her the whole weekend because she was inside with the others when I dropped WS off at airport and saw how upset I was.
Anyway, I told her that I couldn't do this dishonesty anymore and i needed more commitment from her if this was going to work. She agreed. She deleted snapchat and agreed to limit interactions with AP and another girl that WS works with that I don't trust.
WS began communicating better, making a bigger deal of telling me where she was and where she is going and who with. Now three weeks later, as she is in bed, I go to put something on her nightstand next to where her phone is. She immediately grabbed her phone to keep it from me.
I asked why she did that and she said what are you doing? I said what are you hiding? Why did you grab it away? As she unlocked her phone, I could see whatsapp was open. She quickly swiped away and held it where I couldn't see the screen, but I know she was deleting messages. I said who are you texting? She said no one. I said be honest, I saw you're texting someone, let me see your phone.
She said why and I explained because I don't trust her. I said show me who you were messaging. She opened up imessages and showed me that. I said, no, show me whatsapp. She admits it was the girl I don't like and that the messages were about going to smoke up together.
WS knows I don't like this coworker and that I don't approve of them smoking together (don't worry about the reasons--it is complicated, but let's just say it could create problems). She then swipes away another thing and shows me the screen. I said, what does it matter now, you just lied to me and deleted messages right in front of me. Of course you'll show me now.
We talked for a bit and calmed down, but the feeling of betrayal is back. I thought when I put my foot down after the weekend getaway that she was really serious this time, but this shook me again. I brought it up again last night and she is like you're still on that? I said yeah, it hurts. She listened and understood and says what do you want from me. I want honesty. I don't want you to lie and hide things.
There is just so much to unpack in all of this. For privacy's sake, I'm not giving every detail, but I have some reasons to give her a little slack, not a lot, just a little. But this hurts. She keeps saying the right things and that she wants to make this work, but some of her actions don't match.
It's been almost a year since i drove her to airport only to discover that her girls' weekend involved her AP. A LOT has happened since then. We tried for another month after this post above, but ultimately, she opened up and admitted that she liked girls and probably had for a long time. That was the moment where everything changed.
I knew I was going to continue to try and reconcile with someone who wasn't living their truth. So, we opted for divorce. She was already looking for another place at that point thinking I would kick her out. She moved out a month later and we told the kids that they would have two houses. She met a new girl on Tinder and started a whirlwind relationship with her.
They broke up in the fall which sent my then STBX into a spiral. I ended up having the kids until early this year and we're now back to joint custody. It was a hard, traumatic year. Ultimately, I'm better off now. I feel bad for the kids, but hopefully it will be better for them having two parents living their own lives than trying to make something impossible work.
The divorce was finalized in December. It could have been done in July, but she sat on it and kept changing little things. Now, we've begun the process of living the rest of our lives in our new reality. She recently got back together with the gf she met after we decided to divorce. I'm dating someone and in pretty good place emotionally.
Looking back, I feel stupid for when I made my post and was dismissive of everyone who was stating the obvious. My WS was cheating on me, was lying to me, and fit just about every stereotypical trait we see assigned to cheaters. My advice to anyone reading this now is definitely from a place of more cynicism than it would have been a year ago.
If you suspect your spouse still isn't being honest with you, they're probably not. Divorce is painful and hard, but it's better than suffering for no reason. A weight has definitely been lifted. I have a new lease on some aspects of my life. I hope that you all find success in your reconciliations, but if it doesn't work out, don't lose hope and realize things can get better.
Congrats to the happy now-divorced couple!