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'I'm uncomfortable with my BF having a "work wife." He thinks I'm overreacting.' UPDATED 5X

'I'm uncomfortable with my BF having a "work wife." He thinks I'm overreacting.' UPDATED 5X


"My BF has a work wife and I hate it."

Here's the original post:

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (26M) for almost 4 years now. We have been in an LDR situation for 3 years and we both live in different cities because of his work. There’s no reason for me not to trust him. All our years together (and majority of it being LDR), nothing happened for me to lose my trust in him or to even doubt his feelings for me.

Except 3 months ago. In our relationship, we often talk about how our day went, what happened at work, etc. It’s all pretty normal until he started talking about his co-worker. Let’s call her Amy (not her real name).

My BF has been working for that company for 2 years, while Amy worked for more than 5 years there. I can’t really say that they recently met because from the beginning, they’re on the same department and team. In all my BF’s years of working there, he never once mentioned Amy. At least, not like how he does now.

Anyway, my BF told me how amazing Amy was at work, and how basically he feels really happy to have found her as a friend. I don’t really mind that until he said she’s his work wife. I know the concept of a work husband and work wife, and to be frank I don’t like that.

I asked since when have they been each other’s work spouse, and he told me around 3 months after he came to work, their office started to joke around saying how good Amy and my BF looked together. Their office consistently and always teased them together by giving projects both Amy and my BF need to do together which made them grow closer.

They look after each other, and Amy even goes as far to pack my BF lunch everyday. She would often ask BF what he wanted to eat, and the next day she would cook it and bring it for him to eat.

I really couldn’t bear to hear more of what my BF had to share because I feel so betrayed. I feel lied to. In all those time I asked him how his day went by and how his work was, I never heard him tell me this story. I never knew Amy and him were that close, and I never knew his co-workers teased them.

I don’t know what to do, BF thinks I’m blowing things up for no reason and that I’m overreacting, but I feel really betrayed. What should I do?

The next day, she shared this first update:

I’m not sure if everyone saw my comment in the thread since it has gotten so long. I appreciate all the comments and messages I’ve received though! But there were some who told me I was naive and I’m so sorry. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to romantic relationships as BF is my first in everything. Please don’t be too harsh! 🙏

Anyway, for the update. So BF and I were supposed to call, but he ended up showing up at my place instead so we could genuinely talk. I didn’t let him in, because I took everyone’s advice carefully and I did this to protect myself just in case.

We went to a nearby coffee place where the owner knows me in case something happens. I know he wouldn’t physically harm me, but I just want to be sure. I feel like I don’t know him anymore, to be honest.

The first thing I asked him was if everyone knew about my existence. If his co-workers knew he had a girlfriend. He said they did. At this point I felt livid at his co-workers and at Amy. I would understand if they don’t know about me, but they do. I started to cry at this point out of frustration and BF kept apologizing to me.

The next question I asked is if he has feelings for Amy. BF said he never had feelings for Amy, and he was sure Amy didn’t have feelings for him too because she has a boyfriend. I don’t believe she doesn’t have feelings for him. I told him I don’t believe she doesn’t have feelings for him. I know she does. My gut says so.

He said it’s normal for opposite genders to be friends, and I immediately called him out for this, because he’s doing the opposite to me. I’m not allowed to have friends from the opposite sex, and he’s allowed?

And he allows Amy to treat her the way she does, and care for him the way a girlfriend should care for someone? I also went on to let him imagine if it were him in my shoes, would he be happy to find out I have a work husband, and that I hid this dynamic from him for almost 2 years?

He couldn’t even look me in the eye, but he started crying too. He said he was sorry for everything, and he sees where I am coming from. He finally understood how it feels for me, and he was sorry it took so long for him to open up.

He asked for another chance, and I said I wasn’t sure. I was honest as well when I told him I was ready to leave him tonight and he begged me not to go, because he never saw Amy as something more and that it was I who he loves. I told him I’m not sure if I can believe that, and he said he would do anything to regain my trust back even if it meant starting from zero.

He said he was willing to quit his work and look for a new job closer to where I am so he could spend more time with me. But I said I am no longer ready to move in with him, and he said he’s willing to wait until I take him back.

I also told him I posted here on Reddit, and the reason why I have the courage to speak my mind is because you all gave me the courage I thought I never had. I encouraged him to read through the comments, as I did mention the emotional abuse he puts me through and I hadn’t even noticed it.

I don’t know what’s next for us. I am uncertain if I want to try again. But I am allowing him to at least make it up to me. It will be up to me to decide if I want to take him back in or not, and he agreed.

Also, he showed me the chats he had with Amy. My BF replies were formal, and not flirty. Hers was. BF was being respectful and he said he sees her as a sister, and nothing more. She sends suggestive photos and my BF told her it’s not something he should have a say on and to show it to her SO instead.

Nothing seemed unusual from him, but it doesn’t relieve the fact that he lied to me and withheld this information for so long. I am furious at Amy and the co-workers for not respecting someone’s relationship, and I am furious at BF for lying and withholding this information from me.

Anyway, I took her account and I will be messaging her later. BF doesn’t have a problem with this, and he’s also supportive of me confronting Amy. BF also shared the FB name of Amy’s SO, which I may reach out to in case I need it.

As for the keys to my place and finances, BF understands that I want to pull out my share of money and that I want the keys back. He gave it to me and will be processing the closure of the joint account next week. He said he understands that this was his consequence for his actions and that he’s willing to earn me back.

I will update everyone when I message Amy and as soon as she responds back. Again, thank you for the support and courage you gave me. From the bottom of my heart, I am truly grateful to have my voice and power back.

He’s on his way back to his city, and I am all alone in my place now. I have never cried like this since in a while, and I never realized how overwhelmed I was until I was all alone.

Please be proud of me, I stood my ground. Thank you for your kind support.

A day later, she posted this second update:

I just want to clear some things up. While I do read through all your comments here, and while I did ask for advice, please know I am my own person and all my decisions were made not because I was influenced by anyone. I have lived on my own for years now, and have been independent. I know I asked for advice, but deep down I knew what I had to do.

As some of you may know, I no longer have any support group because ex BF controlled me and manipulated into thinking girls can’t be friends with guys. I just needed a safe space to vent. Your comments are all welcome, and I am truly grateful for all the help you’ve given. But please don’t tell me I did this for attention and for the clout.

I hope it is, honestly. But it isn’t. I wish this isn’t true so I can spare myself from the hurt. Yes, I broke up with ex BF. Many of you don’t understand why, and that’s okay. I feel like I can’t trust him anymore from this point on, and it is unfair for him to be with someone who can’t trust him. I know he wants to reconcile and the truth is I still love him.

Many of you think I broke up with him for something so small…an “honest mistake.” But let me tell you, two years of withholding information from your Significant Other, most specially about the advances of some other girl is not easy to process.

It may be nothing for ex BF but things like that should be known by your partner, regardless if you think it’s nothing to be made a big deal out of. I need to heal before I choose to be with anyone—even him. If I still want to be with him, I know I need to heal.

I don’t wish them ill. I hope they will be happy, and I genuinely mean that. I just really want to know the truth and move forward with my life. I want to heal and be happy. And part of healing for me is knowing all sides of the story. Messaging Amy is never meant to be a confrontation. I do not want to message her because I want to set boundaries.

Ex BF and I broke up. If he wants to pursue Amy then that is okay. He is free to do that now. All I want to do is to find out the truth. I want to hear Amy’s side of the story as I don’t know if I can trust what ex BF told me. I have a feeling she does not know about me. I know some of you can’t understand this, and that’s okay. 😊 You are most welcome to disagree with this but please be kind about it

Before I message Amy, I would probably talk to her SO first. In fact, I already sent him a message and he replied. This weekend, we will meet to talk personally. I want him to know first and to be the person who’ll confront Amy. He deserves to know that. He needs to know what his GF has been doing behind his back.

And then as for finding out the truth, maybe it’ll be a face to face meeting with me, Amy, and her SO. I’ll try my best not to let my emotions get to me and to just ask for the truth. That is all I need.

If you even reached this part, thank you. I appreciate you.

And a few days later, she shared this third update:

I've finally had a talk with Amy's SO. Amy's SO (to make it easier, let's call him Matt) and I met somewhere near his office. Matt and Amy are also long distance, so I was a bit surprised that him and I resided in the same city. This made it easier for us to meet as travel wasn't that far.

Apparently he works on weekends and the only time we can meet is during lunch hours. We met at a public park as we both felt it's awkward to talk about this casually over coffee...He also mentioned that he did not tell Amy about this meet-up and will do so when they talk.

I first apologized for what I had to say. I told him I know it's not my place to be the one to break the news to him, but with how I found out about the relationship between Amy and my ex, I'm pretty sure he had no idea of that dynamic too.

When I told him what my ex told and showed me, Matt told me he never knew about my ex BF and Amy never mentioned anything about my ex BF. He also understood where my anger is coming from and why I decided to break it off with my ex, because he felt the same way after hearing everything,

Matt also mentioned how distant Amy has been, and how recently their relationship is rocky. I guess this was the answer he needed. We didn't talk long, to be honest. I only said what I had to say, and he thanked me for going out of my way to let him know what was happening behind his back. I'm not sure what will happen between them, and I don't know what Matt will do after this information.

I honestly wish him the best. He seems like a great and kind person. Whatever he decides to do after what he heard from me, that is completely up to him. Both of us didn't deserve what we went through.

I've also decided not to talk to Amy anymore. After talking to Matt, I just lost all my energy completely and I want to remove myself from the situation now. I have to heal and move on. I deserve to be happy. Thanks for everything, everyone!

Here is her fourth, and final, update:

It's 1am where I am and I am still shaking. Please forgive me if I will somewhat be incoherent in this post. English is not my first language and I'm crying as I write this. I also know I said I won't post any update anymore, but I don't know who to talk to. I'm a mess.

Matt texted me the worst news I could get after everything that happened. I never thought I'd be this affected even though at some point I thought of this scenario in my head. He told me Amy and my POS ex really had an affair. Both physical and emotional.

Amy admitted that he and ex have been sleeping together for more than a year now, and Amy does have feelings for ex. Amy did say ex did not have feelings for her and was only after the physical intimacy, and they'd usually s*xt in snapchat. (probably why the messages shown to me were that way as that wasn't their main mode of communication)

Matt also mentioned ex cut Amy off, and Amy wants to reconcile with Matt but he refused. (I asked permission if I can say this part here, he allowed me) Now I feel like I was right in walking away, but I can't really help but feel devastated. Even at the very last moment, POS really lied and even cheated on me after everything.

I really don't deserve this but here's the truth and I have to accept it. I knew deep down that POS wasn't saying what really happened, and I'm glad I trusted my gut. I'm glad he can no longer hurt me after all this because I am so done.

I won't confront ex anymore as there is no point. He'll just lie to my face again. I just need to get all my money from our account first thing in the morning later, and after that I won't contact him ever again and I will never allow him in my space. I'll look for a new place to stay in too, as I don't like the idea of him knowing where to find me.

I feel like crap now. I can't even make myself stay in my place anymore as I remember all our memories. And the idea that ex slept with another woman while he was still seeing me is disgusting. I'm sorry, I'm such a mess. I am angry. I am sad. I want to scream. I don't know what I need to do. I feel so overwhelmingly angry.

I won't read the comments anymore as I know some ppl out there will have something negative to say again and I am not in the right headspace to even read nonsense and insensitive comments. I just hope none of you will ever go through this pain and heartbreak. I feel for Matt. I hope he will be okay.

Relevant comments from OP:

I just want to come in here to tell you all I’m so very grateful for all the love and support you’ve given me. I appreciate people telling me to update how I am, and honestly I am not okay. I am still in the process of dealing with all this that I would like to take some time off for me.

I may not be able to respond to messages since reddit sometimes doesn’t allow me (idk why) but please know I see it all and I truly appreciate every single one of you. Please know I see you and your comments—both the bad and the good. I’m still so blessed that most of you who’ve read my situation are kind hearted people, and that you are a lot more than those who bring others down for no reason.

I honestly don’t have any reason to waste my time and to come in here to make up lies but so many others believe I’m just milking this off for the clout. I wish this was the case, so I at least know my heart is okay. I really am not okay.

But not everyone can understand that people don’t act the same in every situation, and not everyone deal with issues the same. It’s okay to disagree with me, but don’t be such an AH about it. If I see anyone invalidating me and my story, you will be BLOCKED.

Amy also reached out to me, and her message is sitting in my message requests. I don’t think I’ll ever open that message. I’m also no longer updating this thread and this post will be the FINAL update as I am overwhelmed and stressed. If you genuinely want an update, feel free to message me and reach out. I’ll try to share what I can. After all, you’ve been with me on this journey.

I will only give updates to genuine people who are concerned about me. Many people have also called me out and said that this situation is a lie because of how fast things turn out to be. That is beyond my control, and I share what’s happening minutes or hours after it happened. How is that so wrong, and how does that become a lie? Some people are just good at making others miserable. That’s sad.

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