'My BFF is having an affair with a married man. I broke her trust by telling his wife.' UPDATED

"I 30F have become very close friends with two girls B (29F) and C (30F) over the past year."

We hang out a lot and we call each other sisters. Their friendship is super important to me, but I worry I may have ruined it. C works at a library with this guy D (30sM). They were flirting for 2 months before D confessed that he's actually married and cannot be with C in any way.

This, of course, made C super sad so we (B and I) comforted her when she told us this deep and emotional secret. Apparently, D saw C was sad at work and he apologized that he was the reason for her pain and said he just wanted to see her smile again and met her at a bar to "clear the air" about their situation.

They flirted for hours. After the bar, he told her that he can't see her again which made her sad and we comforted her again. Fast forward to next work day, D noticed C was sad again so he lamented that she's such a great girl and he's such a trash guy and she deserves so much better and offered to take her somewhere to talk about their situation....

They've been repeating this cycle for a while now. She is sad. He is guilty he made her sad and he likes her attention so he flirts with her and then takes her out. They flirt all night. Then he tells her they cant do this again and she's heartbroken again. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I and B will race over to C's townhouse and comfort her about every 1-2 weeks after he's told her he can't meet up with her again and she's despondent again. She tells us everything they did and said and I understand that I'm privelidged for her to trust us with that information because that is personal, emotional, and a secret.

Now, I've been cheated on and it broke my heart. I still struggle with insecurities and pain that my past partner's infidelity caused me (C knows this). Unfortunately, I know that makes this personal for me and I am very biased. But every week when C is crying, I can't stop thinking about D's poor wife. C was able to find D's Facebook and showed us.

This last time, C admitted her and D's date got physical and after comforting C, I couldn't sleep. I knew C and D were having an emotional affair (which is terrible) but having things get physical was too much for me.

I made a dummy Facebook account, found D's FB, then found his wife's FB and I sent her a message. It was very short and I made it sound like I just witnessed D and "some girl" at a bar. I did this last night. C messaged me that D has blocked her "out of respect for his wife" and she is hurt. I'm going over tonight to tell her what I did.

I'm concerned I may lose a really important friendship. I recognize I broke C's trust and she would be well within her rights to stop being my friend. I also understand B may feel the same and also cut ties with me for what I've done. I love C (and B) like a sister, but I couldn't sit and not say anything anymore. Is there anything I can do or say to help salvage this/these friendships?

TLDR: My friend is emotionally and now physically cheating with a married man and telling me the secret and emotional details. I sent a short vague message to the wife to tip her off. Can I save this friendship?

What do you think? Can she save the friendship? This is what top commenters had to say:

Adventurous_Safe3104 said:

There’s no legitimate need to tell her what YOU did. She’s the one who chose to continue to be involved with a married man.

Helpful_Librarian_87 said:

Don’t tell her it was you. If she directly asks, then you may have to come clean. But otherwise, keep quiet. And try to make more friends.

Lilkittybangbang said:

I personally wouldn’t disclose this to her if you plan on continuing this friendship, in the long run I think it would damage your relationship, she is the one who decided to make it someone else’s business and you did this anonymously so why does she need to know the details? If she didn’t want other people’s advice this is something she should have kept to herself 🤷‍♀️

Three days later, she shared this update:

First and foremost, thank you to everyone who commented on my first post. I read every comment and I really appreciated the different opinions, including the ones that I was a crappy friend.

I know most people advised me against telling my friend what I did, but that felt hypocritical and cowardly to me. No shame on anyone else, it just didn't sit right with me. I couldn't tell her truth then hide mine, you know?

Before I get into it, I would like to address the comments recommending that she and I talk about how wrong this all was. Unfortunately, me and Caroline had MANY conversations about this situation and how it was wrong and how innocent people were being deceived.

Unfortunately, her recurring response was that she knows its wrong but she cant even think about the wife or how bad it all is when he's around......she had it BAD. We also talked about David leaving his wife but Caroline let me know that was not on the table with David and she did not want a serious relationship with him anyway because she knew she would not be able to trust him...

We had also briefly talked about therapy which she seemed to consider. She also had tried to get over David with another guy who was cute, kind, and respectful, but she said he was "uninteresting" and talked at length about how she imagined David when she was with this new guy.....

In any case, the day after I messaged the wife, I went over to Caroline's house as soon as she said she was home from the library. I brought her favorite cookies and said I needed to talk to her.

I gave a very brief (think one minute) preamble about how she knows how much my cheating ex hurt me and how I'm still struggling with the damage that caused and why cheating is such a big deal to me. Then I told her what I did.

She was quiet at first. She asked me if it was my place to say that, which I agreed it was not. She said she was very hurt and betrayed by my actions which I said I understood and was more than fair.

Then she lamented about poor David and how he must be struggling......this woman just learned that the wife was warned her husband is cheating and she was lied to and Caroline's first thought was poor cheating husband?? Caroline hated the fact that he'd blocked her because she just wanted to be there for him and to support him in this difficult time....

I asked her what she would like from me and she asked me to leave which I quickly obliged. Later, Becca and Caroline both sent me messages late into the night and early into the morning about how I betrayed Caroline's trust (fair), I was a terrible friend to Caroline (fair) and to Becca for ruining our friend group (fair).

The also let me know I am personally responsible if David's marriage fails, and for the end of Caroline and David's relationship.... I was also informed, according to Becca and Caroline, friendship means setting aside your personal morals for someone you care about and I was told that if they did things I did not agree with on a deep level, that friendship meant ignoring my values and supporting them anyway.

And that....I just cannot do. I feel absolutely terrible for hurting Caroline and by extension Becca, but I couldn't do this anymore. I don't have the space here to write how these women are not Disney villain characters. They, for a large part, are really great women. I have seen them be kind, and generous. I know they have a history of working hard and enduring in the face of hardship.

And I keep replaying happy memories of our Gilmore Girls marathons or our sledding trip. I don't know if I've ever had people I could laugh so hard with. But sitting here, I can't say I regret what I did or that I want those friendships back.

Realizing how little hurting other people mattered to them when compared to friendship made me feel so uncomfortable. I honestly wish them happiness and healing and I hope we all get what we need to grow and thrive, but I'm ok if we do that separately.

TLDR: I told my friend that I warned her affair partner's wife about the affair. She got very angry and our mutual friend agreed that I betrayed my friend's trust (true) and was responsible for everything bad that happened in that marriage and the affair (less true). They also told me friendship means choosing friends over personal morals/values. It seems those friendships are dead and honestly, I'm ok with that.