'I found out my fiancée cheated during her girls trip in Mexico. But was it my fault?' + UPDATE

"Fiancée was unfaithful while on a girls trip in Mexico. But it was my fault."

First, a little background. We have been together for 9 years, engaged for 3 months. Our relationship has been great. The typical bickering or small arguments i feel are completely normal. We live together. Have a child together.

My (28 m) fiance (32 f) recently went on a trip to Mexico for a week with her friend (also 32 f) of 20+ years. While she was away, I ? reacted to an Instagram story of a girl who i had known from well before our relationship. (Dumb of me, i know, but I had no ill intent behind the reaction.) Instagram girl replied to me and said "dude your engaged." She then immediately sent a screenshot of my reaction to my fiancée.

My fiancée asked me who she was, and I immediately came clean. I told her how I knew her and what I did. She was reasonably upset, and I told her we would talk about it when she got home. After that, we chatted a little bit about how her day was otherwise, and she seemed to be fine.

Later in the evening, I noticed she had stopped sharing her location with me on snapchat and didn't send me the typical good night message to our child and I. I assumed she was just upset with me.

The next day something just seemed off and I had a really bad feeling about it, so I logged into one of her social media accounts on her MacBook and found messages between her and a friend about how she had got drunk and cheated last night. I won't get into the details on exactly what she did, but she did sleep with him to say the least.

After I found those messages, I immediately messaged her and told her she should change that social media password before I read more of that conversation. Once she read the message, she immediately changed her password and deleted that conversation thread.

She then told me it was a big mistake, she was so drunk she barely remembered it (even after going into great detail with her friend). She told me that what I did triggered her to want to just get drunk and have a good night. She tried to call but I just couldn't answer the phone.

Once she got home , we tried to talk about it and figure out what to do. She is very apologetic, immediately went, and got tested upon my request. but she can't tell me how she plans to regain my trust. I feel like she had no intention of telling me, and i feel like she used what i did as an excuse to be unfaithful.

I told her we need a break, and even tho we live together still we have gone limited/ no contact. We have both signed up for therapy, but It's a hard situation because she claims that I had triggered it to happen. She has tried to sleep with me, but I just feel disgusted with her and can't do it. I guess im coming here for advice on what to do next.

I feel like I haven't left yet because of the life we've built together and attachment issues. I need to know random people's "hot take" on my situation.

What do you think? Is it really his "fault"? This is what top commenters had to say:

AshamedLeg4337 said:

You reacted with a fire emoji. She slept with a stranger. What the hell are we even talking about here? If my wife of twenty years slept with a stranger it would be over. Split assets, figure out the situation with my teenaged sons, but it’s over. You being a dumbass with an emoji has basically no bearing on what she did. If she were my fiancee it would be over, but you do you, bud.

DatPipBoy said:

Jesus Christ. If an emoji on social media was her excuse, she's either been doing this awhile, or has 0 emotional control. Insane behaviour.

Muk1427 said:

Just because you sparked a reaction out of her doesn’t make it your fault. Using a fire emoji as a reaction compared to full blown sleeping with somebody is not even in the same universe for comparison. Time to break up.

chelseyrotic asked:

Am I the only one finding it hard to believe that the first and only time you sent a ? to someone was when you actually got caught? I'm not defending her actions AT ALL, but it seems like there's something larger at play and you're not as innocent as you think you are.

OP responded:

No, not the first time. But the first time the girl who received the compliment was a little off her rocker and decided to tell on me

More info. in the comments from OP:

Before we got together 9 years ago she was on antidepressants and a cocktail of other meds for other mental health issues. She hasn't taken them in 8 years.

I guess i should add that she did have diagnosed mental health issues for depression, bpd, and anxiety. When we first got together, she was on a cocktail of meds.

Yes, I have reacted to other women's Instagram stories. I didn't think anything of it, to be honest. She's never said anything about it before, and if she had told me it makes her uncomfortable, I would've stopped.

She definitely overreacted. She never did tell me it was my fault. She said she just wanted to get some drinks and get her mind off of it. She ended up getting wasted.

I think she had/ has a lot of bottled up emotions about things that have never been talked about, and that explains why we never fight or argue.

He then shared this update:

She has taken responsibility for it. and this part is important - she told her very judgmental parents about it. She kept trying to explain herself and talk to me, but at the time, I told her I didn't want to hear it and needed space. She's been giving me space, but checking in. She keeps cooking my favorite meals, and I can tell she's depressed but thats not really my fault.