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'My husband cheated on me. Do you think it's a one time thing?' UPDATED

'My husband cheated on me. Do you think it's a one time thing?' UPDATED

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Buckle up, this is a roller coaster from start to finish. Here's the original post:

"My husband cheated on me, do you guys think it's a one time thing?"

My (24f) husband (29m) have been in a relationship for 6 years. We got married three years ago. I thought our relationship was perfect, there was never any signs of anything being wrong. He came home on time everyday and left for work on time everyday. He was always affectionate and I thought our relationship was perfect.

But then when he was in the shower I saw a notification on his phone. It was from a girl on Instagram, I'd never seen before. I opened his phone with his passcode. He'd always been very open with me about his passcode and things like that. I'd never checked his phone before because I didn't feel I had too.

When I opened Instragram (which I didn't even know he had downloaded) I found a bunch of messages to small influencers who posted revealing photos. I am in no way against them but my husband was clearly flirting with them. His account had some photos of him (with some heavy filtering) and his bio said he was 25 and single.

I was shocked obviously and just kept staring at the phone. But I couldn't stop looking. I took screenshots and sent them to myself with the usernames of the girls. When my husband came out of the shower he found me crying and on his phone. He quickly realized what happens and started to comfort me and tell me it was just a one time mistake.

I asked if he had gone on dates or slept with any other women. Then he got angry and started shouting at me that I invaded his privacy. He kicked me out of the house and I went to a friend's home.

I'd never seen that side of him before. In 6 years he'd always been so sweet and loving. Sometimes he'd get angry sure but everyone did and I can't blame him for that. I know men have urges to cheat sometimes because it's just how they are biologically so I don't blame him. I just wished he'd talk to me.

My friend told me I'm being delusional and made a good point about how he hadn't apologized yet. I thought I should post here after lurking for a while and ask for some advice on what I should do because I feel so lost right now.

Commenters weighed in and offered advice:

SCA_CH said:

Forget about the cheating for one minute and focus on the fact that your husband kicked you out of the house for asking a question!! He kicked you out of your home! Now go back to the cheating. Do you really want to be with someone who treats you so poorly? You deserve better.

ThomasEdmund84 said:

I don't see how this is forgivable - I guarantee 6000% that he will be on an "apology tour" very soon, which will include trying to blame you, the women, involved, mental health, anything but him (or when he does blame himself it will be in vague minimizing terms that don't actually address the prob)

OP sometimes these things come right out of left field, and make it seem like that perfect relationship is still within reach if only you play this correct, but the reality was shattered by THEM CHEATING, the perfect relationship is already over, even if you stay.

ellenripleyisanicon said:

OP you can do better than a man who kicks you out of the house when he's been unfaithful. Stop being afraid you won't do better (you can and you will) and stop believing this lie that "men have urges to cheat" (they don't, that's just something cheaters say to excuse their shitty behaviour).

You are young, leave and rebuild your life away from him. He's shown you who he really is. The lying, approaching other women, screaming when he's been cornered, and throwing you out. You deserve to be loved by someone who would never do this to you x

PrudentPoptart said:

I read the title of your post and wasn’t planning to read the rest. Because there’s a 2% chance it’s ever a 1 time thing. I got to the “his bio said 25 and single” and actually did stop reading.

You’re being willfully ignorant if you think your husband isn’t going to do this ever again. He went out looking to cheat. ACTIVELY LOOKING. Leave and go find the love and respect you deserve.

peach24cobbler said:

men are not biologically inclined to cheat. your husband just does not respect your relationship, sadly. it will definitely grow past just online cheating if you take him back. he didn’t even apologize or feel bad, he immediately kicked you out..

Five days after her original post, OP shared this update:

"I reached out to who my husband was cheating on me with"

I read a lot of comments and advice people gave me and I realized I deserved better than that. I deserved someone that loved me for me and wouldn't need someone else to 'satisfy' them. But something about everything really bugged me. In the screenshots that I had, there was this girl. The girl was like the main person he texted and flirted with.

She was 23 and I just felt so horrible because she seemed so in love with him. I found her Instagram and I messaged her. I thought that she deserved to know what happened. She was pissed when she found out what was happening. So I can stop referring to her as 'she' I'll call her J.

J was clearly upset at the whole situation and kept apologizing to me. Then she asked if she could take me out for coffee to talk about this whole situation. I agreed because I was curious. So basically we met up the following day and I talked to her about my husband and she told me about how they met and how long they had been dating.

He went behind my back and dated her for 10 months. 10 months. Which was just insane to me that he managed to find the time inbetween without me noticing. But here's the kicker, he was still texting her! I quickly learned that J was a very vengeful person because she told me that she wanted to lead my husband on for me.

She told me that she herself had been cheated on before and was not going to let another cheater get off the hook like that. J gave me a pep talk about how I'm a strong powerful woman and we need to stick together which was honestly really refreshing.

She said that she'd continue to flirt with him and etc and try to get him to let her come to our house (apparently he only met her at hotels or at her home) and then she'd get a bunch of glitter and throw it all over his stuff.

Honestly it made me laugh to think about because my husband would be so angry. So I allowed her to do that because honestly I don't care about any of my stuff that'll get damaged in the process. I wasn't a big spender so I didn't have much and I wouldn't be surprised if what I did have was already destroyed by him.

Update on my emotional situation:

I feel a lot better than I did when I made that post. I still feel upset and I still have this feeling that it's my fault but thanks to you guys, J and the awesome friend I've been staying with I feel a lot better.

I feel angry and frustrated but more exhausted than anything. I've gotten in contact with a lawyer and that's a whole complicated process that I just don't want to deal with. I just want to be free of him. I feel disgusted with myself and betrayed. I mourn the relationship I had but now that I look back on it, I was always tense and a sad shell. Sorry I'm rambling.

EDIT: okay so I forgot to mention in the post because I thought it was obvious but J genuinely had no idea that my husband was lying to her. I could tell how upset she was, it's the type of upset that you can't really describe over text. She was very apologetic to me about the situation and felt very guilty herself. Trust me when I say that she has no intentions of getting back with my husband.

Then, four months later, she shared this second update:

"I reached out to who my husband cheated on me with"

I've tried writing this post lots of times but I couldn't figure out how i wanted to do it. There's been so much going on and it's been crazy so I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense and for the slow update.

So at first I was staying with my friend who for the sake of consistency we'll call K. K has been a huge help and I have appreciated her so much. J was originally going to go through with the glitter plan, she updated me every step of the way, even sending me pictures of her buying the glitter. She'd send me screenshots of the texts between her and my husband.

It didn't even take her long to convince my husband to let her come over because he clearly thought since I was gone I wouldn't find out. J told me they watched a movie and before things escalated he went to the bathroom in which she quickly pulled out the glitter and threw it at his side of the closet in our bedroom. She then ran, taking a few photos of the crime scene before she left.

My husband was FURIOUS. It was this bright pink glitter that was sprayed all over his work clothes. I'm the one who does the laundry so he had no way of figuring out how to get it out. The funniest part is this man had the audacity to call me an hour after she left and beg me to come home (probably to clean his clothes honestly).

I wish I could show you how he sounded when I said no and that I was filing for divorce. He was so shocked and kept stumbling over his words, he never expected that I'd have the guts to do it.

The months following weren't easy and my ex husband was not cooperating or being easy when I was trying to divorce him. He'd switch between calling me a dirty whore bitch to sobbing and begging me to forgive him. J and K were my rocks and made sure that I didn't forgive him. I'm so grateful for them because at some points I felt like giving up and taking him back.

J especially was great because as much as I love K she's very traditional. A little background I guess but I didn't have many friends and when I got married I had even fewer, my husband didn't like me going out much. The only friend that I had to fight to keep was K, she's my childhood best friend.

K at first let me stay at her house and she was shocked by husbands betrayal she thought we'd eventually get back together. After seeing all the horrible names he called me though she quickly switched to my side but I know she still has some thoughts that she's not expressing with me.

J knew what it was like to be cheated on in a long term relationship and she had gotten out of an abusive relationship too. It was like a breath of fresh air because she was the complete opposite of me. She was very loud and outgoing. She's a huge feminist and was so sad that i was so isolated from my feminity. J often took me out shopping and encouraged me to be bold and pick things that I liked for me.

We ended up going on a roadtrip together during early March because I was really struggling with my ex husband and I was exhausted. So we went camping together for a week with no internet connection!! That was my first time camping and it was really fun but definitely never again haha.

Last week my ex husband tried showing up at Ks place (where I'm staying) and that was a whole issue cause he knew K wouldn't be home when he came. It was so scary. He was pounding on the door like crazy and screaming. I feel so bad for the neighbors.

Luckily J had been over when he showed up because she gave him a mouthful and told him that if he didn't leave she was going to call the police. I'm so grateful for her because I was just frozen and watching this unfold, I've never been good with conflict.

Anyways yeah that's kinda what's been going on so far. Idk I'm really hoping my ex husband leaves me alone. I'll update you guys if anything interesting happens lol

Two months later, she shared this third update:

"I really like my ex husbands mistress."

I recently got out of a horrible marriage from the help of my best friend and my ex husbands mistress, J. J has been so lovely and a huge support. She's shown me how to be independent and actually enjoy myself. I've always been expected to act quiet and do as I'm told but she showed me how to stick up for myself and to do things just because I want too.

She's super fun and kind and I appreciate her so much. Here's the issue though. I think I romantically like her?? Which is crazy to me because I've never even though about women that way and I only just got out of a relationship.

I don't know what to do. I feel like a highschool girl when I'm around her. I get butterflies in my stomach and she makes me so happy. I've been doing research on this kind of thing and I still don't know if I'm gay or not but I don't know what to do.

I really really like her and I want to ask her on a date but I don't even know if she likes women?? Also I don't want to lose her as a friend if this all goes south. I'm just so lost. It doesn't help that she's super affectionate with me, like the other day we were having a movie night and she fell asleep on my shoulder and I practically melted.

Ive been so nervous around her recently and I'm scared she's going to suspect something. Anyone have any advice?? I would post on relationship advice but they took my post down the first time I ever posted so I'm kinda scared to post there again.

EDIT: forgot to mention but yeah she's very much not dating my ex husband. She was disgusted when she found out and immediately wanted to make it up to me, I posted it about it before so yeah.

Three and a half months later, she shared this fourth and final (for now) update:

"I'm (25f) getting back together with my ex husband (30m), how do I break the news to my roommate (24f)?"

My (25f) ex Husband (30m) have been thinking about getting back together. My roommate, J (24f), who is also my best friend doesn't know but I know she would be totally against it. It's a long story, I've posted about it on my profile but in summary my husband cheated on me a lot, J was one of his affair partners.

I reached out to J, she had no idea and we became best friends from there has helped me through so much. I was really struggling with the divorce and she gave me a place to stay, she cheered me up and showed me who I am outside of my husband.

But recently my husband showed up to the apartment begging for me to take him back. It was so scary. He looked horrible, he was crying and telling me he didn't know what to do without me. He told me that his mother was sick and she was getting worse. He ended up convincing me to go on one date with him but then I felt like I was leading him on so I kept hanging out with him.

He's nicer now. He tells me he loves me now and he buys me flowers. It's starting to feel like when we first met. This has only been happening for about two months now and nobody knows. But he's really pushing for it to be public. I can't make it public without my best friend knowing and she'd hate me for it.

She hates my ex husband with a burning passion. She hates him for how he hurt me and how he hurt her. She's extremely protective of me and will think he's holding me hostage or something. I really don't want to lose her but I miss my husband. I miss being a wife. We haven't even fully gone through with the divorce yet because he's been so against it but it seems we might not need it.

Plus she'll think it's going too fast since I plan on moving out soon too.

Any advice on how I should bring this conversation up with my best friend/roommate?

Any advice?

(I told you it was a roller coaster!)

Sources: Reddit
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