'My husband has been talking to an old female friend. I read their DM's.' UPDATED

"My husband has been talking to an old female friend. I read their DM's."

They have been sending really cringe and stupid Instagram reels to each other for a while and he has kept it mostly appropriate until recently when she started trying to turn the conversation x-rated which he just awkwardly ignored and changed the subject to her kids. -- i can't even be proud of him because she started talking about his body and he took the bait.

He took a shirtless pic of himself that same day but didn't send it.. shockingly enough. But just the thought that he wanted to is enough for me to feel less love for him. --- the conversation continues from there and he starts talking about our marriage issues and how disappointed he is in our couples therapy that he forced us into.

Our 5th year anniversary is literally days away and i want to fight with him. I also want to hold off but i don't know how much longer i can pretend to be okay without saying something to him or messaging her to stop being so desperate and trying to make the conversation NSFW when she is very obviously and clearly being ignored. The second hand cringe is killing me.

Nikki, please have some self respect, take the hint, like damn lady. -- she knows he is married, she even follows me on Instagram like a creepy stalker, I've never met her.

To my husband, i know you think you're not cheating, it's just harmless conversation with another woman who isn't me, giving you attention that you're probably craving because you're human, i bet you even patted yourself on the back for not taking the bait. But you married a sociopath willing and ready to destroy and end everything we've built over this insult.

Because you should have ended it when it got inappropriate, you should have reminded her that you're married and she was being out of line. But you didn't, and now I'm disappointed in our marriage, in your love, and don't feel optimistic about our future.

Edit:

Some people asked why I'm still with him after he cheated the first time. -- I was pregnant and at the time and that really changed how i approached that entire ordeal. -- And then the pandemic hit and that also changed and impacted a lot for us too. He went into personal therapy and fixed some of his issues, but clearly not all of them. And I came out of it with my own set of issues.

I obviously don't trust him, which is why i check his phone and i don't feel slightly bad about it. Those of you worried about his friendships and what a controlling monster i might be, he has a lot of friends of both genders that he communicates with regularly. He also goes out on his own to hang out with his friends without me and without my permission.

You know why i don't care if he goes out with them? Because he isn't having inappropriate conversations with them. Some of you are really hung up on me being a sociopath. Yes, i am. I love fighting, conflict is energizing for me, i don't run from it but.. i have changed my approach to it since my son was born.

I've seen how our previous fights have impacted him and I'm willing to wait as long as i can if i can spare my son that experience. Besides this gives me an opportunity to gather more evidence anyway and practicing self control is always a must for someone like me.

Relevant Comments:

From OP:

I guess I should have added we have a small child together. I'm not afraid of confrontation, but I am very aware of the impact our previous conflicts have had on our child. I went into therapy with him with one of two goals, either we find a way to make it work or find a way to move on peacefully for the sake of our child. He is making both options very, very difficult.

whalenutten said:

Are you really a sociopath or is that something he has called you? From what I read it looks like your marriage is over, he tried couples therapy (which you worded as him forcing you to go to) and is not happy with the result, why is that? What did he expect?

OP responded:

Yes, i am and yes he has. He probably expected me to warm up to him again? Forgive him? He probably didn't expect to be told he was wrong and that he can't just change how i feel or think about anything just because he explains his side of the "story" and experience.

He thought i didn't understand him, but i do understand him. He thought that if i just knew everything, it would be okay... It's not okay. Just because i understand why the tiger killed the deer, doesn't make the deer any less dead.

NorthExplanation6507 said:

You should absolutely fight and confront him. You don't need to hold this in. Talk to him, maybe even in couples therapy? Also to add, you didn't mention which platform they used to DM, but know that some message platforms allow you to unsend messages/photos.

And OP responded:

I was thinking about bringing it up in therapy. -- and you're right about the pictures but had he sent it, the whole conversation would have changed.

UPDATE:

My husband decided he didn't want to go to couples therapy anymore last week. He said he didn't like it, he claimed he didn't feel like it was "working". When the reality is he was upset that the therapist was telling him that it was perfectly normal for me to have trust issues after his infidelity and for me to feel "angry" about it. Anyway, he doesn't want to go anymore. I'm fine with that. I didn't want to go in the first place.

He continued to spam dear ol' Nikki with more Instagram reels but for a while she wasn't responding. I thought maybe she had realized that he was a complete waste of her time and moved on. Watching him try to get her attention was interesting as he upped the innuendo with memes and other reels. With no reply still! I almost felt sorry for him.

And then finally, yesterday, he dropped the BS and asked point blank: "Has my wife reached out to you?" Well this got her going.. Suddenly she could reply. Nikki: "No, why?" Husband: "Lol just curious, thanks." Nikki: "sorry i haven't been super talkative, I've had a really busy week."

-Sure Nikki, why don't you just tell him you didn't like that he ignored you when you suggested hooking up and didn't even comment on that picture you sent. Let's be real, you like the drama and he was getting boring. But now it just got interesting for you. -- but he is boring because he can feel the shark in the water. Just hang in there..

Husband: "No worries. " And then sends her a NSFW meme, which he also sent to me afterwards. Nikki: "bahaha! That's a good one lmfao!" (It wasn't funny.) Nikki: "Why do you think she would reach out to me? Toxic if she is doing that crap." He ignores it and sends her another NSFW real. Nikki: "Just going to ignore me I guess lmao" Husband: "Maybe I don't want to talk about it."

Ahhh yes, of course you don't want to talk about it. Why would you? Why would you talk about how your wife asked you why his friend, that she doesn't know, is following her on social media and stalking her profile.

Why would you bring up that she asked you about the nature of your relationship with her and you admitted that Nikki might have a crush and your wife communicated point blank that that made her uncomfortable, and that SHE had made an effort to not talk to men that showed any kind of romantic interest because she knew that would upset him.

Weird. Anyway, I went through all that this morning and saved what I could before he left for work. They continued their conversations and she allowed him to drop it. But they are in full swing again.

I have to admit, I was set off by her audacity. Didn't you know it's perfectly okay and normal to lament to a married man about how they wished they had hooked up? And it's toxic for the wife to call her out directly. --- Monogamous married people, now you know better. /s

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not toxic, and that I'm without my own demons but damn, these complete and utter jerks haven't even physically cheated and it's testing every control I have. Those of you that screamed about communication, I've set those boundaries when he cheated the first time and he is crossing those lines. I shouldn't have to remind him when he stands to lose everything.

This still isn't enough for what I need in court. I've already got the divorce papers ready but I'm not sure when I'll be telling him it's over. I'm waiting for more. But I need to go for a long walk before I snap. But some of you asked for an update. Here it is.

Relevant Comment:

itsrainingpuss said:

why are you blaming the other woman when ur husband is a cheater

OP responded:

I'm not divorcing Nikki, sweetheart. I'm blaming my husband but I can still say the other woman is garbage too. I never understood this logic.. of course the husband is to blame, and the only time the other woman isn't, is if she doesn't know the person is taken.

She knows, and she is still choosing to not only engage in inappropriate behavior but she is leading the charge. I'm not going to excuse her actions, just like he isn't going to get away with his. And I'm the type of person that can recognize and acknowledge both. You should be too. Why would you ever let anyone get away with their bad behavior when you can make them all pay?