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'My husband wants me to cut off my BFF who cheating on her husband (his best friend).' UPDATED

'My husband wants me to cut off my BFF who cheating on her husband (his best friend).' UPDATED


"Besties divorce causing issues in my marriage."

My (40F) best friend (38F) is going through a divorce with her husband (44M). We’ll call them Alice and Ken. My husband (37M) and I have been together for 10 years and have always been close with Ken and Alice. Alice and I have been friends since long before we meet either of our partners. My husband and Ken have become good friends over the years and they hang out just the 2 of them semi-frequently.

About a month ago, Ken told Alice he wanted a divorce. She told me for the last 6 months they’ve been having issues. According to her, the problems stem from Kens issues with her job. 3 years ago she accepted a promotion at her company. The promotion required her to travel 3 to 4 months out of the year and she works A LOT even when she isn’t on assignment.

She’s always been insanely ambitious and successful. I think it’s important to note that Ken works full time as a tradesmen. He works out of his shop (metal work) on their property and stays pretty busy. She makes more than he does, but I wouldn’t call her the “breadwinner”.

Alice has a daughter (12F) from a previous relationship. Bio dad isn’t in the picture and Ken has been her “dad” since she was 4. According to her Ken has been asking her to either take a position that requires less hours and responsibility or find a new job that doesn’t require any travel. She’s been telling him she will but has been putting it off thinking he’d drop it eventually.

This has been going on for a while (she didn’t tell me how long exactly). It all came to a head when she extended a business trip (while on the trip) and forgot about a family vacation they had planned for when she got back. She didn’t consult him about extending her business trip before agreeing to it. She apologized and promised to make it up to him (and their daughter).

She said she didn’t have a choice when it came to extending the business trip…..whether that’s true or not I have no idea. Ken was upset but didn’t blow up. When she got home though, his stuff was packed and he’d moved most of his shop and tools into storage. He hadn’t told her any of this and was acting like everything was fine till this point.

She called me and was crushed. She kept saying “I didn’t think he’d do it” over and over. What was at first sadness on her end quickly became resentment/anger when Ken made it clear there was no getting back together.

Ken and my husband were in contact during this whole ordeal. Husband knew they were having issues but didn’t know the extent of it till after Ken left Alice. Ken told my husband that Alice had been checked out of the relationship ever since she took the new position. They don’t do anything as a family anymore.

Alice doesn’t make time for them to talk when she travels. They don't sleep together anymore. He’d voiced these issues numerous times and she blew him off according to Ken. Everything became much worse after a particular incident.

Ken and Alice had been separated for about 3 weeks. Their daughter was bouncing back and forth between kens apartment and their old home that Alice was staying in. It was Ken’s weekend with their daughter. He brings her back Sunday evenings. Well….Alice went on a bender. She thought it was Saturday. It was Sunday.

Ken shows up with their daughter and walks in on Alice in the hot tub with two men They were drunk and it was clear what was going on. She started freaking out. Calling Ken names. Yelling that it wasn’t Sunday yet. Ken's daughter was in the truck so she didn’t see the worst of it. They left.

The next day she had no idea what had happened. She had texted Ken horrible things while she was drunk. I only saw them because Ken sent my husband screenshots. I won’t say word for word what they said…..but it was really personal.

Since this, Ken is going nuclear. He wants the house. He wants custody (he adopted their daughter long ago). He wants child support…..he’s “taking her to the cleaners” as they say. I know this isn’t Alice. She’s going through something. She needs friends right now and I’m literally all she has. Her own daughter would rather stay with Ken. I’m not going to cut my best friend out over this.

The issue? My husband wants me to cut her out. He’s said some really terrible things about her. He’s called her a bad mother (I know she loves her daughter). He’s called her self-absorbed and a b-word. He says he doesn’t want me getting sucked into her drama and behavior.

When I insist she’ll turn it around and she just needs help right now he shuts it down saying this is who she really is and he doesn’t know why I want to associate with “people like her.” I know a lot of this is just crap that Ken has told him and he’s defending his buddy. I’m not excusing her behavior but I think it’s unreasonable for him to want me to cut my best friend out.

She asked me to go out with her a few times and I went once without telling my husband because I knew what he’d say….i just wanted to talk to her in person. After I told him we meet up he went ballistic and repeated that If I don’t cut her out or we’d have issues too. Any advice navigating this would be appreciated.

TLDR: Best friend going through a hard time. Husband left her. Husband wants me to end the friendship because of her behavior.

Edit: I made this post on lunch break. On mobile now.. The responses are overwhelming.....and eye opening. I've seen recurring sentiment that I haven't said anything positive about Alice. I re read my post and realized you're correct. So ill just say this....She wasn't always this way and her behavior (drinking excessively, shrugging off family, work obsessed) is relatively new.

She used to be a good mother. We used to have fun family outings. Her and Ken were happy. When she took the promotion, all that changed gradually until this sh!tshow happened. Maybe I'm blinded to her behavior now because I know once upon a time she wasn't this person.

I plan on talking to her tonight and having an "intervention". AND I WILL LET MY HUSBAND KNOW. Thank you for your responses....the good and the bad.

Top comment by u/Frodo_noooo:

This woman is your bestie, and you didn't say one good thing about her, which to me kind of shows that either you know deep down she's not a good person, or you don't really know her as well as you think you do. You state a few times that she doesn't give you full details as well, which is odd, since you're besties.

She even claimed "i didn't think he'd do it". What do you think that means? She knew he had told her that they'd get divorced if she didn't change. She literally tried to deflect until he forgot about it. It's very obvious she cares about her career more than her family.

Honestly, the vacation would have been the end for me too. What a horrible feeling for both the husband and daughter to know she'd rather work than spend time with her family. Your husband is right to be concerned. You tried defending her in your post, but again, there's nothing redeeming that you said.

If you truly insist on helping your friend, then you need to make sure your husband feels comfortable and safe. Ken has been saying things to your husband, yes, but they're probably not that far from the truth, even if he's embellishing. Again, your own bestie doesn't tell you everything, so it's very possible she's been banging younger dudes in the hottub more often than you'd think.

My advice, if you want to keep your friend and not upset your family, is to get a little distance until it blows over. Don't introduce negativity in your relationship just because you want to help someone through theirs. Your family comes first


Three days after her original post, OP shared this update:

Me (40F) My husband (37M) married 10 years. My best friend Alice (38F) and her husband Ken (44M). Married roughly 8 years. This is not a happy update. Alice and I made plans to get together on Saturday morning. I was going to get us coffee and help her with a few things around her house before she left for a business trip Monday.

My intention was to tell her that we (her family & mine) are worried about her and we all want to see her happy but her behavior was worrying us. I was hoping we’d have a heart to heart. I was hoping I’d see my friend again. I was hoping she’d agree to see a therapist. I was hoping she’d take a step in the right direction. None of that happened.

She was combative from the second I showed up at her place. Almost like she knew what my intentions before I even said anything. When I told her I was worried about her she said she was fine and has just been blowing off steam and having some fun. She said she works hard and can do whatever she wants now that Ken left her.

She talked about how ungrateful Ken was over the years for all her hard work and everything she’s paid for and done for him….it made me cringe but I bit my tongue. For the record, Ken is a hardworking guy who didn’t need her money. He was the breadwinner when they first got together. She makes quite a bit more then him now but in no way was he dependent on her.

Some of you pointed out it was likely that Alice was cheating on Ken. I asked her and she got extremely defensive. She gave me the whole “I can’t believe you’d even ask me that” attitude. I reminded her about the hot tub incident and the optics of it all. She blew it off and swore she’d never cheated. I asked who the guys were. Turns out they were interns at her company.

When I asked how old they were she simply said “they were legal”. The way she said it made me wonder if that’s how dirty old men talk about younger women. It was gross. Whether or not she was cheating before the break up….I don’t know. I don’t really know anything about this woman anymore. Here’s where things took an unexpected turn.

As we chatted she was packing for her business trip. I asked her where she was going this time. She said Dallas. I didn’t think anything of it…she’s gone to Dallas for business dozens of times. What did strike me as odd was what she was packing. Long pants, sweat shirts, a beanie, jackets, hiking boots….

It was all fall attire and not what she’d be wearing in Dallas this time of year. I don’t think I even saw her pack work clothes. But the weirdest thing? A random Seattle Mariners jersey. She doesn’t follow baseball. She never has. I thought about saying something but kept my questions to myself. It was all just….odd.

I felt like she was preoccupied with packing and her daughter coming over soon so I decided to head out. We hugged. I told her I loved her and want her to be happy. I told her I hope she considers seeing a therapist when she gets back. She said “I’ll think about it.” Things did seem to end on a positive tone.

When I got home hubby and I were talking about how things went and I told him about the clothes she was packing and the random Seattle Mariners jersey. He thought it was odd too. But, other than it just being odd, we didn’t think anything of it at the time. But then hubby went full internet detective…..and guess who lives in Seattle and has a facebook profile picture of himself at a Mariners game?

Her daughter’s biological father. My heart sank. When I checked the Mariners schedule they do have home games next week. I called her immediately and asked her if she was really going to Dallas. She responded “yeah why?” I asked if she was sure she wasn’t going to see (exes name) in Seattle.

She got quiet. There was probably a full minute of silence. I told her she better not lie to me and that I’d find out. She came clean. She said she had gotten in contact with him right after Ken left her and they’d been talking more and more. She said he was a different man now and has turned his life around…..blah blah blah.

I didn’t talk about her baby daddy in the last post because it wasn’t relevant. But just know this man is a bad human being. He cheated on her while she was pregnant and kicked her out when she confronted him. He’d slap her around. Call her terrible names. This guy said he wanted nothing to do with their child also. I flew to Seattle, picked her up and brought her home.

She lived with me for a bit. She met Ken shortly after having her daughter and within a year of dating they moved in together. I told her that of all the crap she’s pulled recently this was by far the worst thing she could do. I told her I was disappointed in her. I couldn’t believe she would ever speak to that man after what he did to her and how he treated her.

She kept saying it was years ago and she’s changed and……HE WANTS TO MEET HIS DAUGHTER ONE DAY. I started screaming and yelling into the phone so loud I think I blew out my voice. I told her I was done with her. I told her if she gets on that plane to Seattle to not bother contacting me ever again. I hung up on her.

She called back and texted once but I ignored it. I didn’t have the energy for her anymore. I just sat on the couch crying all night while my husband held me. He didn’t rub it in. He didn’t give me attitude. He just let me cry and told me he was sorry. Alice texted me this morning. She said she’s sorry for lying to me but she’s a big girl now and can look after herself.

I asked her if she’s still going to Seattle….she said yes. I blocked her. It’s over. I told Ken everything. He was upset but not surprised. He said he knew how close Alice and I were and he was sorry I’d lost my friend. I told him I was sorry he’d lost his wife. You guys were right. I feel like an idiot. Maybe it's a little selfish of me....but i feel betrayed.

TLDR: My friend is ruining her life and going back to the man who abandoned her while she was pregnant. I've been defending her and acting as her advocate hoping she'd get better. Not anymore.

Sources: Reddit
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