Buckle up because this is a LOT but I’m really bothered by this and need to just vent because I can NOT believe this has happened. My (27f) sister (22f) has two beautiful kids. One is 3 and the other is 14 months. When my sister had her oldest daughter, she suffered from PPD, but with support she was able to come out of it.
She didn’t really bond with the kid much after though, occasionally she would do fun things with her but it was very rare. Shortly after, I had my son, and I was OVER THE MOON, I’ve never loved something as much as I love my kids ( I now have 2 as well).
When she found out she was pregnant with her 2nd, she didn’t get as excited as she did with the first but as the pregnancy progressed, she was getting more excited. Fast forward to the second kid being born. She didn’t show any signs of PPD, but she bonded with the second kid way more than she did with the first.
I’m not sure if it was because she was exclusively breastfeeding or what but definitely had a better bond with this one. She would get more irritated with the first born ( who was only 2 at the time) and just more distant with her. Her youngest starting showing some health issues ( nothing super serious, some food allergies and skin issues) and that seemed to just utterly defeat my sister.
All of the family, and her fiancé were very encouraging and tried to help her see the bright side, find recipes for the daughter etc. but she didn’t seem like she was interested in any of it. She started to distance herself from both kids now, only doing the bare minimum.
Now, we just found out that my sister had been emotionally cheating on her fiancé, who is the definition of a literal golden retriever partner lol he loves his kids and my sister and took very good care of all 3 of them. He would only ever push my sister to do better and never in a mean way. Anything they needed, he provided for them while my sister got to be a SAHM.
Two days ago, she broke things off with the fiance and had this complete stranger come get her from another state ( she has never met him, and only been FT or playing on Xbox for about a month). All because she said she “had no emotion and needed a break."
She left with the guy, and I’m not supposed to know any of this. I’m distraught for my nieces and my brother in law ( or I guess not my brother in law anymore?). I don’t understand how a mother could leave her kids, go out of town with someone she didn’t know, without a care in the world. I love my kids and I couldn’t do that to them…
Part of me wonders if it’s PPD, or maybe a manic episode? I genuinely don’t know. I’ve also learned some other things about how she’s been recently that just make me think I never really knew who my sister was, and that’s heartbreaking because she was my best friend.
I can not condone that behavior.. my brother in law is filing for emergency custody, but I hope she doesn’t try to take those kids from him because she doesn’t deserve them. They deserve stability and she’s clearly not stable. Ugh.
Odd_Welcome7940 said:
I understand all your pain and curiosity and feelings of being lost. All I can offer is this, you are extremely unlikely to ever find the real answers you need from her. Shift your focus.
If you really speak that highly of her fiance/their dad then start there. I don't care what you are supposed to know or not. Call him. Offer support. Make it clear that no matter what she does or the rest of your family do that the kids are your #1 concern. You just want to be there for them and by default him.
You are ten times more likely to find the real answers that will help you feel at ease and happy again in those actions than focusing on her.
OP responded:
I needed to hear that, I think I can’t wrap my mind around it because I could never do that to anyone especially my kids..
HighHarleyQuinn said:
Hey, so my sister is doing this to my niece because she found a coworker who lovebombs her with gifts and attention and sweet nothings…..my brother in law is allowing it because ‘she’s happy’. Meanwhile my 7 year old niece is asking my aunt (who’s 70 and watching her when she isn’t in school/keeping her overnight) why her mommy doesn’t see her anymore.
Talking about missing her mommy. Idk what’s going on in the air rn but you have my deepest sympathy and condolences. I’m no longer speaking to my sister and she’s withholding my niece from me. I hope all the best to your brother in law. I hope your nieces know they are loved so deeply.
Admiral_PorkLoin said:
There's nothing you can do for your sister. She might be suffering with mental health issues, but this doesn't excuse her behavior. She made her choice. Focus on your BIL and niblings and try to help them if you can. I would also advise to stop contact with her. Good luck to you, your BIL and most of all your niblings.
And Any_Dress_3811 said:
It sounds like your sister was really hoping for a do-over with the second child, and as soon as the smallest thing went 'wrong' she had PTSD over it and went back down the PPD rabbit hole. I hope she gets the mental health care she clearly needs, and your BIL feels supported in the meantime.
I'm not excusing her abandoning her children, by the way, or saying she should be able to waltz back into their lives if she changes her mind. I just hope she pulls herself together sooner rather than later if there is ever a hope for her to connect with her children.
Since some of you have asked, I’ll update on the little bit of info we have. So my BIL changed phone plans, and did not include her on his new bill. She called him and asked him why he didn’t put her on it…. Like she genuinely didn’t understand that he is not going to be paying for her things anymore.
She told him that she isn’t going to fight him and that he can have full custody of the kids. And that she still wants to be able to call and visit when she feels like it. The guy she ran off with, just lost his car BECAUSE HE SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT TO GET MY SISTER.
And his ex took the car because it was in her name lol karma is beautiful. She also told my BIL that she plans on moving back with the new guy so they can be close to her kids… I don’t get her logic in any of this really. Also, people have asked so some answers here!
- BIL is 22
- my sister asked my BIL not to tell us ( my mom and I) because she did not want us to get in the way of her being able to see her kids or to “judge her”. ( too late). My BIL doesn’t want her to know we know until after all of the court stuff is finalized.
- he’s doing okay, him and his mom are actually going to be moving a little closer to our family, so we can all help out with the kids. It takes a village and he’s definitely got one.
- since my sister being out of the picture for a week now, the youngest kid has taken her first steps and the oldest seems genuinely happier.
I’m coming from a much less angry place. I still can not stand that she did this, and I am cutting contact with her. My partner and I are supporting my BIL as much as we can with two kids of our own. This whole situation has been insane. I’ll update more if anything else happens.
Thank you to everyone who gave advice and didn’t judge me venting. Once this all isn’t so fresh I’m going to show BIL the thread and let him see that it was not his fault.
Okay so I have a few updates to this absolute insanity of a situation. Since my first update, my sister called my mom, and asked her for any legal contacts so she “looks like she has her sh!t together”. My mom told her no, and that she isn’t going to help her because she abandoned her children. My sister is still convinced that she did not abandon them.
She yelled at my mom stating that she hasn’t left them and that she’s only 3 hours away and calls to talk to them every night….. she doesn’t. She has called a few times but not every day.
She’s still planning on moving back home with this new guy so she can be closer to the kids but I’m pretty sure my BIL is only going to allow her to have supervised visits since she has made comments about just taking the kids and how she should have done that from the start, her best friend suggested it.
When my mom tried to reason with her and ask her why she didn’t just come her, her response was “I just want to be on my own”. Which I find ironic because she hasn’t been on her own ever and she’s still not on her own.
She is still mooching off of another guy with a job and she still doesn’t have a job, a license, or her GED. ( we have all offered to help her get those things but she has no drive to actually do it). BIL and his mom are moving closer to me and my parents so we can all help each other and hopefully make things easier on BIL as he tries to be a single dad with two toddlers.
BIL is in much better spirits. He was upset until my sister called him, while she was naked, and asked him for money and then she proceeded to put on the other guys hoodie and walk around the house until he could see the other guy in the background.
My BIL said at that point, he knew he was never getting her back and didn’t want her back and he’s doing much better. He has good days and bad days but the good are outweighing the bad. The kids are actually thriving without my sister there too. My sister would “parent” by just turning on tv and letting them do whatever, but BIL is much more involved with them as is his mom.
If anything else crazy happens, I’ll post another update but for now I think we are just waiting for all of the long term court paperwork to be submitted. He got emergency custody and it was filed that she abandoned them and fled the state. Thank you to everyone who has let me vent and given some good advice. This has definitely been a rollercoaster.
Your sister monumentally sucks.