"Do I say something to my friends who are married to other people, or stay silent?"

I have two friends/former co-workers who are married to other people. We’re a pod of 3 and good friends. I am recently married and they are at the “small children” phase of their marriage, so they have a lot of advice. In March went to a work happy hour with them, with other colleagues around, and I caught them holding hands under a high top bar table…twice.

I also noticed that left and came back together several times throughout the night. I obviously put 2 and 2 together, and to say I was shocked is an understatement. Since then, I’ve just noticed a lot of things to make me go hmmmm (referencing holding hands at a bar, mentioning they are in the car together a lot, etc).

We all went to a colleagues house recently. It was only 8 of us there, it was a “shoes off” house… I caught him holding her foot with both of his feet under the dining table (about 3 times), WHILE she’s talking to the table about wanting to have another baby with her husband 😵‍💫. They were just sitting very close to each other on the couch later in the evening.

Obviously at this point I am convinced something is going on. I’ve felt a range of emotions since the first discovery. I am conflicted if I say something to the effect of “people are noticing, I don’t want any negative consequences for either of you” (I do not want to have the “what are you doing, think of your spouses” talk with them because they’re adults and know the risks)….

OR, do I stay quiet, but everytime I see secret PDA, it’s like taking an emotional bullet, and I get very upset on the inside (which is not good for MY mental health). I don’t want to/can’t cut off this friendship because the work situation is intricate (too long to explain). I am afraid if I say something I’ll lose the friendship.

You can say this is none of my business, but they’re my friends and everytime I “catch” them, I feel more and more entangled in this. Finally, the thing I truly can’t reconcile is…am I truly their friend, or do they look at me as this like, idiot 3rd wheel/buffer they keep around, because I have ~no idea what’s going on~?!? Please advise, because this is truly ripping me apart.

What do you think? Should they stay silent or intervene? Is it worth ruining the friendship to say something? This is what top commenters had to say:

bluegrassgazer said:

If you're wondering how genuine your friendship with them really is, asking the simple question "What the hell is going on with you two?" should give you the answer. That's all you have to say. Don't go into detail. If they play dumb just put your hands on your hips, tilt your head slightly and give them a look that says "I'm no idiot." If they continue to play it off as not knowing what you're talking about, then you have your answer.

prufock said:

I can't tell you what you should do, bit I know in that situation I wouldn't want to be hanging out with them. I would probably address it directly to whichever one you are closer to. "Are you guys hooking up or what?" Ask your spouse what they would do. Definitely have a conversation about it at least.

Motchiko said:

They are using you to hide the affair. I would doubt the friendship. Every time they meet up, they gonna include you into the plans, so that it doesn’t look suspicious to their spouses. I would refuse to be used for immoral reasons like this.

A month later, OP shared this first update:

BACKGROUND: I posted about how I thought my married friends were having an affair a few weeks ago, but deleted it because the post was getting a lot of traction. I went from thinking it was 85% true, to 1000% true due to their sloppiness infront of others (holding hands and playing footsie under tables, touching, general flirting).

These 2 married friends are former co-workers (they are still at workplace, I am not). We are a pod of 3 close friends (male, female, and me also female), we see eachother every 2-3 months since I left my job, but that’s just due to balancing demands of life/adult friendships.

We speak/text frequently. My other friends who also work there have seen things to indicate affair, but only I have seen the obvious stuff that confirms it (this is sort of a poorly kept secret at this point). We’re confident they’re banging…the female AP talks about having another baby with her spouse. This brings another level of concern to me personally 🤯

I’m not a lecturer, and I don’t tell people what to do, they’re adults and they know the risks. The stakes are very high for them (small children, mortgages, working in a job field where getting caught would be EXTRA bad).

I still care for them and friends, and therefore, I just want to gently say to them (or one, probably her) that I’m approaching them as a friend who cares and isn’t here to judge (even though I am, but…🤷🏻‍♀️) and that it’s obvious what’s going on, and I don’t want to see this blow up in their face/people get hurt.

(I am open to other wording suggestions!). I also go back and forth on just 100% blowing everything up and going to their spouses (although I have no photo/video proof). Can I realistically kiss this friendship goodbye if I approach one or both them? We don’t have the workplace in common anymore, so we’re at this point just friends because we like eachother.

They were both there for me during a very difficult time last year, so I’m having a hard time coming to grips with this. Nobody else I’m friends with in this workplace wants to approach them obviously, because they still have to work with them.

Then, six weeks later, she shared this second update:

Hi everyone. I made a post a few weeks ago about my 2 married friends/colleages who I caught holding hands and being affectionate under tables at work happy hours. Idk what happened to the post (I probably deleted it, this is a throw away account), but here is a final update…I once again need some guidance.

So after reading your comments, talking to a mutual friend Linda, and thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that my friends (let’s call them Bob and Sara) were DEF having an affair, and that I would approach Sara in a gentle way first (when the time was right).

Meanwhile, another co-worker/friend of mine, Linda, called me a few weeks ago to tell me that there were rumors swirling in her department about Bob and Sara’s affair at work.

Linda approached Sara about these rumors and she denied them, saying that they are just friends who are close, and that she shouldn’t have to stop being friends with someone just because they’re both married and of the opposite sex.

Sara also referenced that if I, OP, was still working in the same department with them, these rumors wouldn’t even be happening, since we were a clique of 3. Linda and I didn’t know what to think of Sara’s denial of these rumors.

A few days before Linda confronts Sara, Sara happens to group texted Bob and I saying she wanted to hang out the three of us, and was very enthusiastic about us getting together (mind you, she doesn’t know that I know that she wanted to hang out during a happy hour outing in their department that they were probably trying to avoid).

I agree to meet them, I’m nervous…idk what’s going to go down or if they are going to tell me about their affair. We meet at a diner, and I don’t see anything flirty going on…we’re there for over an hour and I probably asked them 3 ways to Sunday how work is going, and they mentioned NOTHING about these rumors.

Finally, after an hour and a half, Sara starts talking about the rumors going on about here and Bob. I’m trying to play dumb, but I finally break down and start crying in front of them, saying that “look, I don’t care what you are doing, I just want to know what’s going on”. Do I care? Yes, but I needed some clarity at that point!

They swear up they aren’t having an affair. I recap all the specific example of things I have seen (hand holding/footsie under tables), and they both claim they were either drunk or they don’t remember…and I believe them, because I’m not exactly dealing with expert liars or gaslighters (and I DID press them).

Sara and Bob then go on to explain that they don’t even have “time” to have an affair since they have young children to pick up/look after when work ends, and how since we are so close/a clique of 3, they would tell me if something was going on.

She goes on to explain that her husband tracks her location (which I knew already) and has access to her bank account, so he would know if she was stepping out or spending money on hotels, etc. In addition, Bob happened to show us a nasty scar on his chest from childhood, and Sara had genuinely never seen it before (that kinda confirmed for me there was nothing going on too).

I asked them if they would tell their spouses about these rumors going around, just as a heads up (because you never know what crazy people at work would try to contact their spouse), and they both said they wouldn’t because it would just create problems at home over nothing (if it me, I would tell my wife, but whatever).

I truly walked away from that hang out sesh thinking they weren’t having an affair. Are we close/affectionate friends, that talk about everything? Sure okay. Are they dipping their toes in the ~boundary pool~? Maybe. But now…I don’t know what to do with what I saw. I know they are telling me the truth, but I can’t let go of what I saw.

I mean, when I saw them playing footsy under the table, it LINGERED…it wasn’t in a “teasing as friends” engagement. And I don’t know how to bring it up to them again without making it obvious that I’m still thinking about this (because we’ve hung out since then and it’s been totally normal, and I haven’t seen anything else). Is this my brain telling me I don’t believe them?!