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'I suspect my wife is cheating on me, but I have no proof.' + 4 MAJOR UPDATES

'I suspect my wife is cheating on me, but I have no proof.' + 4 MAJOR UPDATES


"I think my wife cheated on me, but I have no proof."

Here's the original post:

Married less than a year, both in our mid 20's. She gets concert tickets for Christmas, naturally I assume I'm going with her. Nope. She wants to take someone from work because he is supposedly a huge fan of the band. She also tells me he's gay. I am upset, but I decide not to start a fight about it.

She goes to the concert and they wait outside near the band bus after the show is over. The bassist from the band starts to talk to her, and she flirts with him. He asks if she is going to their new years eve show, 200 miles away. She says no because she can't afford it. He said he'll comp her tickets if she comes. She says she won't go alone. He says she can bring her friend.

Now our new years eve plans are ruined, because there's no way I can go too. She had joked before about having to sleep with the bassist for these tickets and VIP access. I did not find it funny, so she played it off. In the end, this is her favorite band, and I don't want her holding this over my head for the rest of our lives, so I let her make the decision herself.

She decides to go with her friend from work (who she now says she's only 80% sure he's gay, WTF?). She texts me on the long drive there. Then when she gets the tickets, then nothing. I text her at midnight, she gives me a three word response. I don't hear from her again. I call her at 11:30 the next morning, and she says she is waiting at the subway station to go back to HER hotel.

She eventually gets home around 4:30 pm. I ask her how it went, she says they partied all night, she took prescription drugs and drank a lot. She said she was pissed she paid for a hotel when she only slept in it for two hours. I asked how that was possible when she was at the subway at 11:30am. She admits that she didnt use the hotel room at all, and that she must have slept in the band suite (what?).

She blames her amnesia on a hangover. Fast forward a day or so. She gets out of the shower, I notice she shaved. Everything. I ask her when she did it, she says friday. Here's the thing. My wife NEVER shaves down there. When she does, it's a present for me! She left for work and I found a package of summer's eve feminine wipes in her overnight bag.

Here's the other thing, I've always secretly thought she's had an odor problem, but she's certainly never done anything about it for me. This was a brand new pack, why did she have them? So what do you think? Is she cheating? With the bassist, or the guy from work? Should I confront her about it?

TL;DR - Wife goes to a concert with a guy from work on NYE. Stays up all night in band suite. Can't get her story straight. Abnormal attention to personal hygiene.

Edit 1: This is a messed up situation for sure. But I should mention there's a reason we got married. She and I share an affinity for so many things, from music to gaming to trees to other nerdy stuff. Some people might consider us a couple that spends TOO much time together. The intimacy has cooled off a bit, but neither of us has been left wanting. Not sure if any of this changes things.

Edit 2: I think I should clarify that she got the concert tickets as a Christmas gift, but the concert was not on Christmas. The first concert was on December 30th. The second was December 31st.

Edit 3: I'm trying to avoid keywords that might lead her to this thread, so I won't name the band. It's not Nickelback and it's definitely not Phish.

Edit 4: She'll be home soon. Wish me luck.

What do you think is going on? And what should he do in this situation? This is what top commenters had to say:


Here's my reaction: If I had awesome NYE tickets from my favorite band, I'd want the person I cared for most to be there right next to me the whole time, having the time of our lives. Then I would want them right there partying with me and having a blast. Take that how you will.

[deleted] said:

Forget the cheating. She ditched you on Christmas and New Years for a band. While marriage definitely involves sacrifice for the person you love, she didn't need to sacrifice anything legit in this situation had she invited you.


Even if she didn't cheat, your marriage is in big trouble. Your wife has no respect for your feelings. She doesn't mind upsetting you. She expects you to be there for her but she doesn't feel the need to do the same.

Now it's gotten so bad that you're unable to trust her and she's ignoring you on holidays. You two need to have a serious talk about how you view your roles as partners. Some counseling might be in order.

And [deleted] said:

You have already answered your question. I hope you don't have any children with this woman.

A few days later, OP shared this first update:

I sat her down last night for a talk. I asked her to walk me through the night so I could better understand the details. They had tickets waiting at will call, and were able to stand in the VIP section for the concert. The bar was open until about 2:00, at which point they were invited to the band suite. The hotel gave her free pijamas, so she wasn't wearing her dress when she went up there.

It was a pretty large party, with the bassist, guitarist, cellist from the opening band, and the entire road crew. She said her friend from work was hovering around her all night, to the point of being annoying. She said she fell asleep on the floor of the living room, as did a dozen other people. Her coworker woke her up around 11 and they went to the subway.

I asked her why she shaved, she said she doesn't know. "What if I ended up going swimming?" she said. "Did you bring a bathing suit?" I asked. "No." Not to mention the fact that my wife can't swim. She'll drown in 6ft of water with nothing to hold on to. We enjoy hot tubs, though I still wouldn't have been comfortable with her in a hot tub full of strangers. I asked her about the summer's eve cleansing cloths.

She admitted they were for feminine odor, but said she bought them during our last Walmart shopping trip, which was the day after Christmas. If that's true, she couldn't have known she was sleeping out without me on NYE. She said she didn't even open them. When I checked the package again, I was positive it was unopened.

I asked her to look me in the eyes and swear that there was no kissing, cuddling, or intimate contact of any kind. She did so, repeating those exact words. I also told her how hurt I was about the whole situation. I told her that if she has tickets to something, and I want to go, she is obligated to take me no matter what. If she isn't ready to make that call, then she wasn't ready for marriage.

She was very resistant and used a lot of hyperbole in the conversation (you always this, I never that). The most hurtful thing she said to me was that if I was able to go on NYE, she thinks she wouldn't have had as much fun. I told her that's a fundamental blow to our relationship that should call our marriage into question. She said I was being ridiculous.

So I'm pretty much right back where I started. Still not sure if she cheated. It's possible she lied. I have no way of knowing. She's acting pretty much normal at home, as if nothing happened. Still don't know what to do. I'm going to leave this up for another day or so, then take it down so she doesn't see it. Suggestions would be appreciated.

Then, a month later, OP shared this major update:

Last week, the bassist guy texted my wife and invited her to a concert in a city 100 miles away, on a weeknight. She wanted to go, by herself, and I brought up the events of new years eve. She stopped talking to me and gave me the silent treatment for three days.

I went on a business trip over the weekend and kept in touch with her every day. When I got back we spent valentines day together. Yesterday, I was on reddit and saw that I had an orangered. I clicked on it, only to realize that my wife was still signed in on my computer.

She used her account for gonewild, which I knew about and supported, but what I didn't expect is that she was sending photos to guys via PM. I continued reading. One guy asked "What's the wildest thing you've ever done?" And there it was. She responded with, "On NYE I had my first threesome with a member of a famous 90s rock band and a friend..."

The first thing I did was speak to a lawyer about my options. Then I confronted her about it, and she said it was only half true. She said she embellished and that her friend really is gay and she and the bassist made out and did oral. That's when I left the apartment, and headed straight for the hospital to get tested for STDs.

I got back several hours later, not believing a word she said. I told her to text the guy simply "did we hook up?" and if he says no I'll believe her. She then admitted they did sleep together. My whole life has been shattered. We were married for less than a year, and I invested my whole being into this 5-year relationship. I moved into the second bedroom and I'm sleeping on a futon. Our lease goes until May.

I just wanted to update you all, and thank you for being there for me before. I'm in the south Jersey/Philly area and could use some love.

TL;DR - Commenters, you were right.

And the saga didn't end there. Two days later, he shared this third update:

Four men. She had an affair with four different men over the past five months. The first was a guy from work she start texting and sending racy pictures to back in october. Then she met a random guy at a concert and kissed him. She met up with him again when she was at a drive-in movie theater with a friend, where allegedly nothing happened except cuddling.

She met up with him again when she was at a gay club with some friends, and they hooked up in the bathroom... He drunk texted her a month later, they fought, and broke off contact after that. One night in mid december I came home from work at 6pm, knowing that she got done at 2pm for a company christmas party. Her pet bunny was out of its cage and running around the apartment.

She was nowhere to be found. Her car was in the parking lot. Her coat was on a chair. I called her phone and it rang from the couch. I called my mom in a panic. I ran around the apartment complex looking for her. I screamed her name. I even checked the goddamn dumpsters, expecting the worst.

When she came home, an hour and a half later, the police were in my living room, and I was giving them her description. I held her so tightly. I was so scared that something had happened to her. I was in tears. A minute earlier, she was making out with the guy from work, in his car, down the street. If she wasn't on her period, she would have slept with him.

Then theres new years eve. The bassist guy. When my wife and her gay friend went up to his hotel room, he propositioned my wife's friend. They hooked up, with my wife in the room, and then the guy told him to get lost. He then slept with my wife. She took the morning after pill, and had a pregnancy scare when she was late for her period. They continued to chat via text/email/video chat after that.

Finally, she had an emotional affair with a guy she met online. They flirted via text and email, and made plans to meet in person and hook up while I was on a business trip last weekend. A friend of mine asked her if she wanted to do hallucinogenics together, and she found that to be the better option. As far as I know, she never met the guy.

She continued to flirt and chat with three of the four men up until last wednesday when I found out. I only found out about the other two yesterday, after I invaded her privacy and found tons of emails and chats with and about these men. I forwarded those emails to myself. I even have the t-shirt that my wife slept in that belonged to the bassist. She actually brought it into our home.

I know this doesn't count as verification, but here is a photo of the t-shirt, and of my hospital bracelet from when I got screened for STD's. I could never hurt myself. But believe me when I say I wish I was dead. I wouldn't wish this pain on someone I hate. I'm weak. I'm exhausted. I can't eat or sleep. I miss her so bad but I'm repulsed by her at the same time.

I told her not to even be in the same room as me until she gets tested for STDs. I told her to email her entire family and tell them everything she did. She has a very tight family and this will likely shame her for life. I told her she needs to cut all ties with everyone and burn every bridge, including with the two friends she had that enabled her, if she ever wants to speak to me again.

And even then, it's very likely that there's nothing to save. I feel so alone. I have friends that I've been relying on, but I can't tell if they are being supportive because they want to be and they like to have me around, or if they are simply not assholes. My confidence and self esteem is shot.

I'm doomed to be alone no matter what I do. I was already physically neglected, I am in no condition for a new relationship, and there is no way I could be intimate with this woman again. Everything I had was just ripped away. I need some cheering up. Again, south jersey/philly area. Thanks again for the kind words I've been receiving.

EDIT: She slept with the guy from work. I'm done. Its over. I didn't make her write any letters or tell anyone. She can rot for all I care. I'm free from this B.S.

Seven months later, he posted this final, hopeful update:

The past 7 months have had a lot of ups and downs. I'm in a much better place than I used to be, but still on the road to recovery. I go to therapy 3 times a month. I started running and working out frequently. I dropped from 245 pounds in February to 205 pounds this morning.\

I feel so much more in shape and for the first time since high school I feel good about my body. The change has caused me to have to buy all new clothes, so I'm slowly updating my wardrobe and dressing (and subsequently feeling) better.

I have a large pool of friends now. The friends that I spent New Years Eve with hang out every Tuesday for trivia, and we went to the beach a few times this spring and summer. I practice with my band three times a week now, and our album was just released for free online. We hang out several times a week.

My best friend right now is a girl I met online, unrelated to these posts. We text every day and hang out every other night, and if one of us absent for more than two days we miss each other a lot.

I took a trip to Puerto Rico with my mom and my Aunt back in May, and it was a life changing experience. No sightseeing or touristing, my mom grew up there and we were visiting family. I got to experience the real culture and my heritage (I currently live in a predominantly white suburb). When I came back I was much more calm and finally had a positive outlook on life.

As for my ex - the easiest, cheapest, and most painless way for us to divorce is on irreconcilable differences. For my state, that requires 18 months of living in separate residences while not sleeping with each other. No problem there, 6 months down, 12 to go. I look forward to the day she no longer disgraces my last name. There is so much she is still lying to me about and so much I will never know the truth about.

For a while we talked about spending time apart and after a while see if there was something there to save. She called me to meet with her a few months later and after a long and deceitful amount of small talk she told me she had given up. She no longer wanted me back, she had quit therapy, and I know for a fact she is currently dating one of the guys she cheated on me with.

To be honest, good for her. She will either wake up one day and realize how much better her life could have been with me, or she'll have a better life with this guy. Either way, I never would have wanted to hold her back from a higher state of happiness. In the meantime, I never want to see her again, outside of a courtroom.

To cope with my deflated ego, I went through a period of promiscuity. I picked up some self help books, and took my new body out to parties. I went on dates with old friends I hadn't seen in 5 years. I slept around. To be perfectly honest, none of that made me feel any better. I thought that I wanted to feel young again and sow my wild oats, but the truth is I just wanted to be loved.

So I'm actually dating someone right now. We connect deeply on a mental and physical level, and being with her makes me feel like I can love again. She lives an hour away, which I find to be a good thing because it keeps this from turning into a codependent relationship. I retain my independence, while still having someone who cares for me and goes out with me a few times a week.

Will it last? Don't know, don't care. Living in the moment has been one of my coping mechanisms this year, so long as I live responsibly. When I'm with her, I'm happy, and that's all I care about.

So this is getting long, but I wanted to thank all of the supportive commenters. Many of you offered good advice that I took to heart, and some of you even reached out to me on facebook. I may have been slightly jaded at the time, but the show of compassion and empathy from strangers has been truly heartwarming. I like the new me, and I hope to be better for the experience.

I've only barely brushed the surface with this post, so feel free to ask me anything.

TL;DR - Lost 40lbs, moved, slept around, currently in a new relationship. Wife took the easy way out and gave up on life.

Sources: Reddit
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