"My wife admitted to having a drunken one night stand last week and it has turned me into a robot."

I (32M) have been married to my wife Kate (30F) for 4 years, together for 9. Our relationship has been amazing, loving and supportive. We have good communication, hardly ever argue and our bedroom life has gone from strength to strength over the years. We discussed cheating in the past and I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened.

Kate went home to visit her family last weekend which was fairly normal. Before she left on the Friday night, we had a minor argument about keeping the house tidy so our communication was limited on Saturday but I knew she was going out to meet some friends at a bar. I trusted her 100% so didn't think anything of it.

Before I fell asleep, I text her saying that I hope she had a nice night. When I woke up on Sunday morning I had a missed call from Kate at 4 am so I immediately called her to check if she was okay but no answer. After a few hours I tried again a few times but still no answer. Around an hour later I got a message saying she was fine and was driving back soon.

Kate got home late afternoon and looked awful. She had clearly been crying, was not wearing any makeup (unusual for her) and looked like a shell of a person. I knew right away something was wrong but she wouldn't let me hug her and would barely speak. I sat her down on the couch and made her some tea.

I gently encouraged her to tell me what was wrong and she burst into uncontrollable tears for at least 10 minutes while I was trying to comfort her. She then proceeded to tell me, stopping every few words, that she had slept with someone last night after the bar. At that moment, something in my brain broke. I can't describe it any other way.

I immediately got up and jumped in my car and drove off. I went to a park and walked around it for about an hour. Kate was calling my phone constantly and I turned it off. When I got home, I grabbed two suitcases from the garage and went to our bedroom. I threw some of Kate's clothes and shoes into them and left them by the front door.

Kate was lying on the floor in the living room, curled up into a ball sobbing. I called her best friend who lives nearby and told her that Kate needed a place to stay and a ride to her place and that Kate could explain everything to her later.

I told Kate I was leaving for an hour and that her friend was coming to pick her up. She grabbed on to my legs trying to stop me from leaving. When I returned home again, Kate was gone and so were the cases.

On Monday, with a clearer head, I answered one of Kate's many calls and told her that I needed her to send me an email with as much details as possible of that night and if she leaves anything out, there will be no hope of reconciliation. I received this email on Monday night but still haven't opened it.

Since then, everyone has been trying to contact me but I have just been working, exercising and sleeping. One of her friends turned up at my house with an attitude demanding an explanation, I told her to speak to Kate and closed the door in her face. I have also been speaking to divorce lawyers, have moved money into separate accounts and blocked Kate and all of her friends on everything.

Everything I have done since I found out seems like I have been on autopilot. I don't feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb. Kate posted a note through the door yesterday asking me to meet tomorrow but I'm conflicted. Should I meet her? Will it change anything? Is there any point in trying to reconcile? Is it normal to feel like a robot and how do I snap out of this?

Edit: just to add that when I came home the first time, Kate confirmed it was consensual. She was drunk but knew what she was doing.

What do you think of his reaction? Any advice? This is what top commenters had to say:

Rmir72 said:

It is normal. It's a self defense mechanism. You have been hurt so deeply and completely you can't process the pain. When the damn breaks, it's going to awful. My heart breaks for you. Good luck friend

mebeme247 said:

Her actions are inexcusable, and your reaction is absolutely appropriate. She made the wrong choice, and she's paying a price.

And bostondana2 said:

Absolutely. When my ex told me she had cheated on me, I calmly said,"then our marriage is over." She had her family pick her up and I consulted divorce attorneys. Didn't see it coming, but wasn't surprised with how she had been acting lately. Divorce took 9 months, and she didn't show up at the divorce hearing.

You will always doubt Kate going forward. Anything she tells you, you will question. You will wonder where she is and if she's cheating again. On the positive, she confessed and told you immediately afterwards, which indicates that it wasn't planned and that she did want to be honest with you and work through it. If you can live with that, only you can decide.

Two days later, he shared this first update:

After reading your comments, I decided to meet with Kate but not read the email. Kate came to the house yesterday and when I opened the door she looked terrible. She tried to hug me and started mumbling apologies but I stopped her and we sat down to talk.

I started by telling Kate that I would be recording the audio of the conversation and she agreed. I then asked her to explain what happened and told her that I haven't read the email she sent.

Kate said she had been at the bar with 2 friends (I know and like both of them) and told me what she had to drink. I was surprised at how little she drank because it was the same amount we would normally drink when going for dinner, a few glasses of wine and a cocktail. She admitted she was only slightly tipsy.

One of her friends Sarah, has a younger brother Max (27M) who came to pick them up around midnight. It's a running joke in their group that Max has had major crush on Kate since highschool and I had heard them joke about this.

The four of them went to get some food and Max then dropped each one off until it was just him and Kate. Kate said she didn't want him to drive the 20 mins to her parents place after working all day so would just order an Uber from his apartment. She went into his apartment to order the Uber but couldn't get one.

Max suggested she should crash in his bed and he would take the sofa, he would then drop her off in the morning. Kate refused and continued to try to find an Uber. They were sitting on Max's bed and he kissed her.

She kissed him back and they ended up sleeping together. After that she broke down crying from guilt and Max took her home. She cried for another hour then tried to call me to tell me what she had done.

We had to stop a number of times because Kate kept breaking down and crying hysterically. She told me it was a huge mistake, she got caught up in the moment, it was terrible, she only loves me blah blah blah. After she was done, I told her that her story didn't make sense but it didn't matter at this stage because I was done. This caused another breakdown.

I told her I was going to continue with the divorce preparations but for the next month we would be separated with no contact. I also told her that we would both remain faithful, would get a full STD panel and she would tell our mutual friends and family what happened. If she sticks to these conditions, I would be willing to meet again to see if there was any way forward other than divorce.

She enthusiastically agreed to this but made it clear that she did not expect me to stay faithful to her. I know many of you will criticise this decision but I need to be sure that divorce is the right option after I have had time to process everything that has happened. I am still 99% sure that is where we are heading but I need to be 100% certain.

A week later, he posted this second update:

A few things have happened in the last week so I thought I would make an update post if anyone is interested. First of all, I'm not in robot mode anymore. I have been having bursts of intense feelings of anger and betrayal but have been keeping busy with work and exercise. My friends have also been great since they found out and have been dragging me out of the house to hang out.

I decided to read the email and wish I hadn't. The story Kate told in the email was mostly the same but there was no mention of going into Max's apartment to order an Uber. There were also pretty explicit details of what they did, for how long and that they had apparently used protection. I will never be able to forget this description.

Many people who were originally criticising me for kicking Kate out of the house have now apologized but they can keep it. Kate's parents reached out to apologize and I spoke to them because we had a good relationship before all of this. They begged me to try to work it out but said they understood if I decided to get divorced. I didn't commit to either option.

Kate's other friend, that was there that night, contacted me to tell me her side of the story. It mostly matched up, bar-food-home. She said Kate could stay over at her house but she refused saying she was driving home early the next morning. Max apparently insisted that he would take Kate home.

The version of the story that she told didn't mention Kate trying to get an Uber, only that Max invited her in and she accepted. I asked her if she had ever suspected anything before and she told me that about a year ago, she went to meet Kate for coffee but found Max sitting with her when she arrived. Apparently Kate looked guilty but when asked about it she said they just met by chance.

Sarah (Max's sister), also reached out to me and I spoke to her too. She was angry with both Max and Kate and told me a similar story. Apparently her whole family are angry with Max and she had not spoken to Kate since she found out.

She apologized on behalf of her "idiot" brother and said she had warned him to stay away from Kate since high school. She didn't think anything else had happened between them.

I have had zero contact from Kate but heard that she was going to be moving into an Airbnb near our house. Apparently she is not coping well and called in sick from work a few times over the last few weeks. She does have support from the friend she is currently living with and I asked her parents to keep an eye on her. Her parents came up to see her this past weekend.

I went out with some friends at the weekend and ended up drunk at a bar. I was talking to a girl there who I probably could have gone home with but I stopped myself because I wanted to keep my self respect. Reading the email and hearing what they had done made me give up hope of repairing this. Especially when I know she is not being truthful with me on other things so who knows.

I will be moving ahead with the divorce and might not even wait a month before telling Kate that this is my final decision.

One week after that, he posted this third update:

I debated posting this update but a lot of people seem to be invested in this mess so here it is. Apologies in advance if this is TMI. Kate sent me an email last week asking to pick up some things she needed for work. My lawyer told me not to prevent her from having access to the house or her possessions so I reluctantly agreed that she could come over on Thursday night when I would be at the gym.

I told her to be out by 7:30 but when I got home at 8 she was still there. When I walked in, she had left a few work related items next to the stairs and she was chopping vegetables for dinner. She looked amazing with her hair and makeup done, wearing one of the dresses I like. The whole place had been tidied and cleaned.

I calmly asked her to leave immediately and she made her way to the door but stopped and asked if we could speak. I should have said no but I eventually agreed. We sat down and had a conversation for around an hour which jumped from topic to topic. Again I told her I would record the audio and she agreed.

I started by asking her if she had kept her side of the agreement we made the last time we spoke. She said she had taken an STI test which was all negative (mine was too thankfully) and a pregnancy test which was negative. She had hadn't been with anyone else and also told a few friends and family what happened and many of them were angry and were not speaking to her.

I asked a lot of questions that had been turning over in my mind for the last few weeks. She confirmed that her reason for going into Max's apartment (the Uber story) was BS and she said he invited her in for a drink and she agreed knowing at some level that something was going to happen. She can't explain why she did this other than being selfish and enjoying the attention.

She also confirmed that she had texted with Max a few times over the years because he would shower her with compliments and make her feel good. He would always initiate and she was apparently careful not to lead him on and said she had never sent him explicit messages or pictures.

Kate also told me that they had hooked up about 6 months before we got together but never slept together. She admitted that she was always a bit curious. Her story about being caught at the coffee shop was that Max had text her asking what she was up to and she had told him where she was, he then turned up.

She swore this was the first time they had ever done anything since we had been together. She said there was nothing missing in our relationship and she hates herself for ruining her "perfect" marriage and causing me so much pain.

I told her that I still don't believe her story and that there was no point in continuing the conversation. She calmly asked what she would need to do to make this right, offering up her phone, location sharing, not going out without me etc ( she had clearly been doing some research). I said that I had no plans to become her prison guard, especially when I would never get over the betrayal.

Things then took an unexpected turn which caught me completely off guard. She asked me to turn off the audio recording because she had something private she wanted to discuss and didn't want other people hearing it. I refused and she reluctantly continued.

She asked if I had been involved with anyone else since all of this happened, making it clear she was fine with it. I told her no and she said that I must be going crazy (we used to sleep together almost daily) and started talking about all of the things I could do with her. This involved a lot of kinky things.

We got pretty close to sleeping together. Everything suddenly came into focus and the content of her email came flooding into my head. I can't explain why but I started to laugh. Not just a chuckle but a full on belly laugh. She looked hurt and moved away then started to cry.

I told her it was time for her to go and she left quickly, probably due to the embarrassment. I also said she needed to hurry up and get a lawyer because we are getting divorced. The clarity after she left confirmed that I had dodged a bullet. I have a meeting with my lawyer later this week and want to move forward with the divorce as quickly as possible.

Two months later, he shared this fourth and final update:

Thought I would provide a final update on the situation for anyone that is interested. The last few months have been tough and I have only seen Kate in person a handful of times. After a few weeks of no-contact I decided that we should discuss things with a clearer head. We went for lunch and had a calm, respectful conversation about everything that had happened and what reconciliation might look like.

Kate said she would do anything to get things back on track and I believe her but didn't commit to anything. After that, Kate asked me to go with her to see her therapist who is also experienced in dealing with married couples. I thought about it for a few days before agreeing.

The session was tough with a lot of tears but I didn't get a straight answer on why Kate had decided to cheat. The therapist was surprisingly fair to both of us and was not judgemental. We again discussed reconciliation but I told her that I thought it was best to proceed with the divorce.

Last week, I drove up to her parents house to drop off some tools I had borrowed from her dad. We had arranged for Kate to be there and for her parents to go out for a few hours to give us a chance to talk. I spoke with her parents alone who were heartbroken which was hard but they were both very supportive.

During the conversation with Kate, I told her clearly that I had given it a lot of thought but I wanted to move ahead with the divorce. It came down to the fact that, in my view, we would never get back to where we were and I realistically can't see myself ever getting over the betrayal. Even if we could regain the trust, it could take a decade of hard work and that is too big of a risk for me.

Kate finally accepted this and we had calm discussion about how we would divide assets, sell the house etc and wrote an email to our respective lawyers. We left each other on good terms. The divorce should be finalised by the end of the year and the house will be put up for sale soon.

In the meantime we will go no contact and agreed not to start dating until everything is finalized. I have had a few casual hookups and it feels strange to be going back to being single after all this time. I have been hitting the gym, spending a lot of time with friends and family and getting back into my hobbies.

I'm optimistic about the future and although I'm still devastated by the loss of my marriage, I feel that this has made me grow as a person. Thanks to those of you who have offered advice and support.