"My wife told me someone else is her soulmate."
My wife, Em, met her best friend, Chuck, in high school. They became close friends and Chuck came out to Em as gay. Em was supportive. A year or so later Chuck came out to his parents. They disowned him and kicked him out, and Chuck ended up living with Em and her parents for the rest of high school.
Em and I started dating after college and she told me all about Chuck and how close they were and how he was like a brother. I met Chuck and we got along and became friends. Chuck is a good guy. At the time Chuck was dating a guy, they ended up moving in together about the same time that Em and I got engaged. Em and I have been married for 5 years now.
I'm a Project Manager and took on a year-long project in another city. I have to leave at 5:30AM every morning and get home around 6:30PM. Em and I had a long talk about my job before I took on this project.
We knew it would be a sacrifice for me to be working so much, but I'm getting more money than I ever thought I would. After this project we can pay off our student debt and start trying to have a baby. We both agreed the money was worth it, since it's only a year. That year will be up in late November.
In March Chuck caught his boyfriend cheating. He was devastated. Em immediately told him he could move in with us. I was fine with him moving in, but not happy that Em didn't even discuss it with me first. Chuck was pretty broken up and Em was giving him lots of love and attention. I was fine with it, because I know how much she loves Chuck and he did need her.
I also did my best to support him and make him feel loved. For a while this was fine, but as time went on Em has continued to pour all of her attention into Chuck. Sometimes I get home from work and neither of them are there, and I found out they went to a movie or out to dinner together.
I don't think there is anything romantic or sexual between them, but it has been annoying that I get left out of all the plans. The past few weeks several things have happened. The 3 of us went to a party and someone joked about Chuck being our 3rd wheel and Em said "Chuck is not the 3rd wheel." I said "what?" and she said "I've known Chuck longer than I've known you!"
A week or so after that Em and Chuck went out dancing one night. I had to work the next day so I stayed home. I woke up at about 3AM and Em was not in bed. I went and found her and Chuck cuddled up on the couch asleep with the TV on. Both of those things made me uncomfortable.
I also realized I had been working so much I was just sort of letting Em and Chuck plan everything, and I had not planned a date night in a while. I decided I needed to be more active and so I planned a date night for last Friday. When I first told Em she was excited, as we have not been on a date just the 2 of us in a while.
Friday I got home at 6:30 and Em and Chuck were not there. I took a shower and got ready. About 7:15 I finally called Em, as we had reservations at 8. She answered and when I asked where she was she said her and Chuck had gone shopping and were getting some dinner. I was kind of stunned and asked about our date. She laughed and said "oh I forgot! oh well!" and that was that.
She didn't even invite me to join them. So, a point I should make here: my dad was very controlling of my mom and had an anger problem where he would yell and throw things. He never threw things at us, but it was still scary as a kid. I have worked very hard to not be like him.
I've tried to never be controlling of Em or tell her what to do. I also tend to shut down when I get angry. When Em forgot our date I was mad so I didn't say anything right then, but I knew I needed to address how I was feeling. So later that evening I told her we needed to talk. I had written down some things so I could stay focused.
I started by saying that I loved Chuck and he was always welcome in our home, but that I felt like our marriage was suffering and we needed to work on us. Em blew up. She thought I was attacking Chuck (I guess I didn't word things well) and she started defending him and attacking me. We have never had a big fight before, we always talk and work things out.
I was stunned that she was attacking me. She said some awful things. Then she said "Chuck is my soulmate and you just have to get used to that." I just shut down. I didn't even know how to process that. I love Em more than anything in the world, but in that moment I realized she loves Chuck more than she loves me.
I thought Em and I were soulmates, but to hear her say she considers someone else her soulmate has been devastating. I don't remember the rest of the talk. She huffed off after a while and slept on the couch. Her and Chuck left together on Saturday and were gone most of the day. When they got back she acting like nothing had happened.
On Sunday she even made a small joke and batted her eyes at me, something she does when she's flirting with me. Normally I love it, but this time it just made me sick. I told her this was a busy week at work and I was just going to stay at a hotel near the job site (something I have done a few times before) so I haven't seen her since Sunday night. I don't know what to do.
Typing all of this up has made me realize I am really burned out with all of this travel. Maybe I checked out too much and haven't given her enough attention. But how do I move forward knowing she will never love me as much as I love her?
Minor update:
Seeing a bunch of comments from women who say they have more than one soulmate has given me hope. To me you only have one soulmate, but that's not a word Em or I ever really use and I just really hope she means it different than how I took it. We have been texting back and forth some this week, and we spoke on the phone last night.
It wasn't anything big, she just called and said she missed me and couldn't wait until I got home (I'll be home tonight.) I told her we should talk about our fight last Friday and she agreed and said she hates that we fought and we need to work it out. She said she loves me. We will be talking tonight and I guess I'll find out where I stand.
Three days later, he shared this longer update:
Recap: My wife, Em, has a gay best friend, Chuck. Chuck's boyfriend broke up with him and he moved in with us. Em has been spending all of her time with Chuck, and when I confronted her about it she said he was her soulmate.
I made my first post on Thursday. When I took the time to think about it all and type it all out, I realized how burned out I have been with this work project. Friday morning I met with my team and scheduled some time off coming up soon. I'm in a much better head space just knowing I have that downtime soon.
Em and I had our fight on a Friday night, then I left on Monday and stayed out of town all week for my project. During that time we did text back and forth every day and we talked on the phone a few times. It was awkward because we both knew we needed to have a big talk but over the phone was not the time or place.
Em texted me this Friday and said Chuck was gone for the weekend so we could spend time just the two of us and that she wanted to make up for our missed date. I got home Friday evening and we agreed to talk before doing anything else. I had written out everything I wanted to say and she sat and listened.
We talked for a long time and we each went back to some things to get clarification, so I'm not going to try and replay everything we said, just the main parts in the way that makes the most sense. I told her how I didn't like her joke about me being the third wheel, and how much it hurt that she forgot our date and then how crushed I was that she said Chuck was her soulmate.
There were some other little things too. When I was done she said she was sorry and she was wrong for saying those things. She said I am not the third wheel and I am her soulmate, and she asked if she could explain why she did and said what she did.
When Chuck's parents first kicked him out in high school he was a in a bad place and had considered taking his life. He told Em's mom and they got him help. So when Chuck called in March about his boyfriend cheating on him, Em had freaked out and was afraid he was going to hurt himself. She said she felt like she needed him close so she could watch him and keep him safe.
I had made a comment about how for the past 6 months it seems like her and Chuck were living their best life together, and she said that she has been miserable this whole time, that she has been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After our fight she knew she was wrong and realized she needed to get help and let it go.
She talked with Chuck and he promised that he was a stronger person than he was in high school and promised that he was not even thinking about hurting himself. They agreed it was best if he moved out, both to give Em and I time to work on us and so Em wouldn't be obsessing over when he was coming and going.
Em wanted to talk to me last Sunday but I had said I needed time and she wanted to give me space. It was a long talk with lots of tears. She apologized a bunch of times. She said she was so concerned with Chuck's mental health that she attacked me because she thought I was going to make him move out, and she was lashing out.
She acknowledged that she hurt me and said she loves me and she wants to work on herself and find ways to deal with fear and worry in a healthy way. We have never really had a big fight before, and we both agreed we could have handled it better: her by not lashing out, and me by not shutting down. We agreed to start couples counseling to help us learn how to disagree in a more healthy way.
We were both emotionally drained after the talk so we just ordered some food and stayed in. We cuddled in bed to watch TV, talk, and just be together. We have missed each other a lot these past few months and it was really nice to just hold her. The next day (Saturday) we took a day date.
We went to breakfast, went shopping, saw a movie, and even got pedicures together (my toes look AMAZING.) Several times throughout the day she would just stop and look at me and say she had missed me and she was so sorry she had pushed me away.
Today (Sunday) we called Chuck, who was staying with another friend. He said he was sorry he had caused so much stress for Em and me. He acknowledge he had been focused on himself and not even realized that we were not doing well. He said he loved us both and is so grateful that we let him stay while he was getting over his breakup. He is looking at a few places and plans to be out in the next week or two.
He did offer to move out right away, but I am ok with him staying a little longer. I think having a plan in place is the most important thing. Our relationship took a hit but we love each other and we are going to work on it. We set some boundaries and also agreed to always make each other our top priority.
I have a few more months left on this project, but are going to make a point to go on a proper date at least once a week, and reserve some cuddle time on the weekends. Thank you to everyone who replied or sent me a message based on my first post. I got some really good advice. I am hopefully this experience will make us better and make our relationship stronger.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Congrats OP, I hope you guys continue to communicate from now on!
This is how to relationship. Also the amount of people saying he shouldn’t have been jealous/upset because the guy was gay…I’m going to say this but, you can be left in a relationship for anyone. It doesn’t have to be another love, it could be a friend, another priority, choosing family etc.
He felt rejected and they just weren’t communicating. They’ve sat down, got all the emotion out, and worked it out like adults. This sounds like a relationship that will last. At the end of the day we are all human and we all make mistakes.
She's gaslighting him and making up convenient excuses to save her own ass. She basically threw Chuck under the bus to save her marriage when the first post basically outlined a 6 month emotional affair.
I feel like OP, his wife and even Chuck, ALL acknowledge this and are now trying to be and do better. So OK, if it'll make you happy, This is how to LEARN to relationship.