"I checked my wife's text messages..."

Hello everyone. I could use your advice on how to navigate my situation. My (28F) wife and I (28M) got married less than a year ago. It hasn't been perfect, but we've made it work, especially with our little one (3) in the picture..

A month ago, my wife confessed to me that she kissed a girl friend of hers, M, during girls weekend. We've always sort of leaned into the fantasy of involving other people, but to this point, neither of us really acted on it. Frankly, I thought my wife was straight and I didn't think much of it...

Later that evening, M was found making out with some other man. She's going through a divorce of her own very recently. This detail will matter soon. Fast forward to this morning- I had a dream that I caught her and her "friend", M, doing a lot more than just kissing. But it wasn't exciting, it was just... weird and sad.

I woke up and I couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal. So I did what I probably shouldn't have done, grabbed her phone while she still slept, and found the incriminating messages right there under M's name...

W: "Hey! So ive texted this 1000 times or more, but i wanted to talk about the other weekend. Am I hurt by [city event]? Umm hell yes. Yes, would I love to end up with you? Yes, but you have a lot of shit to get through and so do I. But I guess I'm saying the ball is in your court. I would love to see where this would go, I love us, I love who you are, what you stand for, and I want you to know you're amazing"

M: "I've been thinking about this a lot as well. I'm sorry that I hurt you. Are you still okay with doing girls' weekend?"

W: "ugh I hate that I made you feel like that but you're so special to me and ugh idk how you feel and that night I felt like I am not real to you and that made me so sad.. but I'd legit leave it all for you"

Holy crap that was the worst part to read. That she'd up and toss a 8 year relationship down the drain, especially with our toddler involved.

There was plenty more that was said but of course, you get the gist... she went so far to say the same line she said to me when we met, "someone special once told me that I should never settle". I'm pretty sure that he didn't mean you should never settle DOWN!

I'm just heartbroken.. I'm 75% sure we are headed to divorce through this one simple message thread.. but I want to also protect myself so I can be in my child's life as much as possible. I'm in Minnesota, US, if that matters. Thank you all.

What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

uppy-puppy said:

Document everything, and talk to a divorce lawyer. You already know what’s coming, the best you can do is prepare. She’s already got one foot out the door. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It will be hard, but you’ll find your way. Prepare now to protect yourself and your child. Good luck!

Tight-Shift5706 said:

Above. OP. IMMEDIATELY privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues.

Photoshoot the exchanges. I wouldn't say a word. She's said enough. You've been betrayed. Just have her served. Then go to social media and announce to family, friends and acquaintances the reason you've filed for divorce. BALL IN HER COURT.

By going scorched Earth you've saved yourself the BULLSHIT AND GASLIGHTING. There were no ambiguities relative to your wife's sentiments about you and your marriage. Leave the trash at the curb.

[deleted] said:

That sucks man. If I knew my gf were actively looking for my replacement, I’d have to do the same.

Antique-Elevator-878 said:

I live in MN, I've been cheated on by a spouse here. Of course consult an attorney, but note that infidelity has zero impact on divorce proceedings in MN. The judge wont care to see text messages implicating an affair etc. If you have a custody dispute again, infidelity has zero bearing on custody. Only proven neglect will.

OP responded:

Thanks for your input. I don't think alimony is considered at all in our state either. Just Child Support probably, im sure.. but that's helpful to note.

Legal_Math4070 said:

Im not a relationship expert but my gut tells me if you are less than a year into marriage and already describing it as "we've made it work" that cant be a good sign for the future regardless of this current situation

OP responded:

Relationships are tricky and comes with ups and downs. But my gut is coming to the same conclusion, friend..

CrochetAndKittens said:

This is straight up cheating. The affair seems to be both physical and emotional so you may want to reconsider that 75%. If this is what less than a year into marriage looks like it’s not going to get better. Get your affairs in order, collect the proof of her infidelity and start your exit plan.

Difficult_Screen7334 said:

1st and formost you are a dad. Take that as your number 1 priority.

OP responded:

Hes never not been my number 1 priority.. the only reason why I'm only 75% is because I'm concerned about him. And I hate the idea of not seeing him every day of my life. I made it a point to be present in his life as much as I could. But there comes a point where staying is hurting him more, of course.

Sad_Description1290 said:

I think she’s looking out when she instead needs to be looking in. She thinks this wonderful fantasy will work out, but it probably won’t. She’s going to end up alone :/ And it is even more messed up when there’s a child involved!

Honestly before shutting it down, try marriage counseling, and if you can’t afford it… watch some counseling videos and try to approach her about this situation.

I wonder what she really wants.

In response, OP shared this brief update:

You and me both. I did end up confronting her. The initial conversation was constructive and great. But since then, it's seemed to regress, and I'm more confused than ever. Worried that they are mind games. Worried that they aren't, because then that means my concerns are fictional.

It's day 4 since finding out. God, it feels like a month has gone by. I'm not ready and too overwhelmed by this post to provide an update just yet, but I'm thinking of yall and will share my story, eventually..