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Woman shuts down estranged homophobic brother who needs 'female mentor' for daughter.

Woman shuts down estranged homophobic brother who needs 'female mentor' for daughter.


Being disowned by your family for being gay is a truly awful experience.

Even if you've fully moved on from them, it's not uncommon to hope they'll realize the error of their ways an apologize at some point. Sadly, a lot of people never get that closure. And even worse, many get contacted by homophobic family members who want to demand a one-sided relationship on their terms.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for refusing to 'mentor' her niece because her brother outed her to the family.

She wrote:

AITA for refusing to 'mentor' my niece because my brother outed me to my family causing them to disown me?

I (27f) was born into a homophobic & religious family. I am bisexual.

When I was 22 I was dating a woman, some 'concerned citizen' told my brother (now 35m, was 30m at the time) he told me he knew everything and he gave me an ultimatum to tell our parents or he would.

I begged and cried for him not to, my parents disowned me and withdrew their financial support for college (I had one year left) but took me an extra three years to graduate bc I had to drop down to part-time so I could work all the while couch surfing and barely making it by, as almost all my earnings were going to school. It was tough but I made it.

He has a 12-year-old daughter, apparently her mother died when she was only 3 so my brother has been a single dad (dated here and there but didn't find 'the one'). He contacted me out of nowhere, saying his daughter is aching for a female adult figure in her life, especially since starting puberty(I suggested our mom but my niece doesn't feel comfortable with someone 'old.')

He never apologized or acknowledged what he did, he just said God commands us to forgive and he's willing to 'overlook my transgressions' and I said 'even God doesn't forgive without sincere repentance, read your Bible.'

They cut me off, and my life has been better without them. I know she's innocent in all this but I don't want my family back in my life especially my brother after what he did, I hate him. But if I'm in contact with niece I'd have to be with him and my parents, they're a package deal. AITA?

People kept it real in the comment section.

KronkLaSworda wrote:

'I know she's innocent in all this.'

She is, but your brother is her baggage and he made your life hell by outing you to your parents. You don't ever have to let someone like that into your life. NTA.

'His daughter is aching for a female adult figure in her life.'

Maybe if he worked to no longer be an AH, he could find a new woman.

ElderberryOwn666 wrote:

Tell him that you are more than happy to take your niece to a Pride Parade and see if he is still willing for you to ''mentor'' your niece after that. Since he stills calls you a transgressor NTA.

Cultural-Addendum-18 wrote:

NTA Your brother is a hypocrite. You’re not good enough to be apart of their lives, but good enough to help guide/nurture/mentor your niece 🤔 I’m baffled he’s not concerned she’ll catch the bi from you /s

morgaine125 wrote:

NTA. Your niece may be innocent in this, but I think you need to protect yourself from your brother’s bigotry. The last thing you need is him (and the rest of your family) going after you because your niece asked you a question for which your honest answer would not comport with his belief system.

Parasamgate wrote:

Good lord, NTA. He makes your life harder for years, and expects you to feel lower than him by saying that he is willing to overlook your transgressions?!? What transgressions? What did you ever do to him? He says god commands us to forgive, but then doesn't even say he forgives you, just that he will overlook them.

As in he will keep thinking about how bad he feels you are, but pretend that he doesn't. Gee thanks for all that grace. Meanwhile, he breaks Jesus commandment about loving others as I have loved you every moment he thinks of you as less than he. And he still is doing it. So now that it benefits him, he can see the value of having you, who he sees as damaged, and transgressing against god, in his life?

Please don't take this on. You know the misery having him back in your life will inflict to you. You don't owe him more suffering. Don't think that you are the only person that he knows that can take an active role in her life. Since he is a Christian, he can pray for the right female figure to appear. He can find someone at his church to fill that role.

He can find one of the gf or wives of his friends, or someone else, or speak to her doctor about resources. Just because you are his first choice doesn't mean you are his best choice. Did he tell you that he now totally accepts LGBTQIA+ people with a whole heart, and fully expects you to share your life story with your niece? Has he told her that he is sorry for the way he treated you?

Did he tell her that they cut you off and not the other way around? I'm betting not. I am betting that he and your parents told her some lies about why you don't speak to them anymore, and will expect you to continue those lies. I understand you want to help this girl, but since she will bring the rest of the toxicity into your life, I don't see how you can. I'm sorry.

Clearly, OP is NTA, and she's doing the right thing by protecting herself from bigoted family members.

Sources: Reddit
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