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Man seeks advice after telling GF she's not attractive enough to be 'trophy wife.'

Man seeks advice after telling GF she's not attractive enough to be 'trophy wife.'

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A man is seeking advice online after he told his girlfriend she wasn't trophy wife material, and she started bawling.

He posted on Reddit's r/relationships forum about the kerfuffle between himself and his lady friend. It all started when she found out he makes way more money than her.

They are about the same age and both have pretty solid jobs:

A bit of background my girlfriend and I are 30 and 31 respectively. We have been dating for about a year. I work as a high-level engineer at a good firm and my girlfriend works as a payroll specialist at a good firm too. I make significantly more than her (3x).

It seems something shifted in their relationship when the girlfriend found out that he has a lot of savings:

Things were good in our relationship until I showed her my retirement/savings. She now doesn't see the point of working and has started framing our relationship in that, she is the beautiful one and that I am the nerdy engineer that was lucky to have her.

Before, when we met she was all about making it her own way, eventually starting her own company with her sister in sourcing and recruiting. But now she jokes about driving a Range Rover and wearing Lululemon and going to Yoga.

After it came up a few times, the boyfriend broke the news that he didn't consider the girlfriend to be a 'trophy wife' because she's not that much hotter than him:

We were having a discussion again about this 'trophy wife' stuff she brought up that I was nerdy back in the day while she was very popular. I told her she is not a trophy wife, that yes she is attractive but its not a huge difference between us.

He decided to also imply that she's too old:

I told her had it been the case that I met her when she was 22 and I was my current age than sure, but she isn't 22 anymore. After I said that she just started crying like crazy.

The girlfriend did not take this well:

She started saying that I think of her as ugly and used up that her best years are behind are. She just told me that if I am not happy to be with her, why am I even here? to stop wasting her time.

The conversation may have caused a permanent rift:

I tried to talk to her but she was in no state for a conversation. I don't know what to say, guys, for me, I just wanted to say that I think we are of similar attractiveness. Like I don't think anyone when they see us turns their head and is like oh she is with him the cause of money? Or damn he is so lucky to be with her. I think it's mutual. She was the one that if anything went after my attractiveness first.

The boyfriend wants to fix things but he's not interested in being the sole breadwinner later on:

What should I do? I like the fact that we both work and I don't want to change that dynamic. And I don't want her to think too that she is above me that I am so lucky to have her. I want her to think of us as equals and in my attempt to do that I hurt her feelings. What's the next move?

So now he wants to know what to do.

Ever since my girlfriend found out about my savings she has more often entertained the idea of being a stay at home wife. She has tried to bring up the fact that she was more attractive than me as justification why I am so lucky to be with her and why I should accept this.

Most people's advice fell into two camps: cut your losses and get out of this relationship — or give your girlfriend a break, she's clearly feeling insecure because of the whole money thing.

User meg-kil thinks the girlfriend is projecting:

This seems to be a very textbook case of psychological projection. Because of your discrepancy in salary, she likely feels like she is worth less than you. She likely feels like her best years are behind her, seeing as you took off and are only going up.

Her poking around about her being a trophy wife is her seeking validation that she is not worthless and that you still value her, and her financial contributions are nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t think she is a gold digger, I think she is taking some hits on her self esteem (through no fault of your/ her own). I think some counseling would go a long way here.

But ash-leg2 has a less charitable read of the situation:

To me both these perspectives apply and she always felt superior to OP but is realizing it's not true, hence the crying. Before she knew about the money she felt she was better looking with a similar job though she made less which balanced out. Now she knows the job thing (or at least money/savings) is nowhere near 'equal' so she needed to feel superior in a different way.

They continue:

She went with looks and suggested she could quit working to support that theory but OP showed her that she was wrong again.

They're definitely red flags but I think they may be more rooted in her needing to come to terms with mediocrity than her being a golddigger. OP's choice whether or not he wants to put the work in to find out.

And ajgl1990 agrees that maybe he should cut his girlfriend some slack:

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and fully acknowledge that I am a little crazy sometimes due to insecurity. The part that really would hurt to hear is where you said she isn't 22 anymore.

That could make her feel ugly and old. You could have eased the blow a bit by saying that looks aren't that important or something. But if she is coming from a place of insecurity that would have hurt like hell.

Still, they haven't ruled out the potential for red flags:

On the other hand, I would try to fish around to see if she thinks she's better than you or is a gold digger based on some of those comments she made. But my immediate thought was, 'Ouch,' when I read what you said.

Mrs-folsom had the sanest advice of all:

I feel like you both need to have a sit down and see what your expectations for this relationship actually are. You may have differentiating opinions and it’s just now coming to the surface.

So let's hope this couple can figure it out.

And just in general... if your partner jokes around about being a 'trophy' wife or husband, maybe let them have it...

Sources: Reddit
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