Dealing with the untimely death of a spouse is hard enough — and when their last wishes include you living near their parents for the rest if your life, it's even more intense.
A woman asked Reddit for advice about this exact situation.
Me (31 F) & kids (2 F, 4 M) moved with my husband (31 M) from where we met, married & had our children in California to Texas. We always said we would raise our kids in small town Texas where my husband grew up. It was his dream & I was happy to support him!
Her husband spent a lot of time helping them out, though.
When we moved – to a house a few blocks away from his parents – we thought we would be getting some help from his parents with the kids. They babysat the oldest twice in 8 months.
They showed very little interest in the kids but had my husband over multiple times a week doing things for them (they are in their 60s & in good health) & did come over to dinner a few times. He adored his parents & they adored him. Their only child. Their golden boy.
My husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer that was terminal earlier in the year. He died within 5 weeks of diagnosis. It was tragic & I am still in shock. When he was dying he was in a great deal of pain & on morphine & wasn’t always coherent or thinking straight.
However he told me his parents were devastated I would move the kids back to where I grew up in Canada & they wouldn’t be able to watch the kids grow up.Well…that was my exact plan.
My parents are the most amazing grandparents & help my sister out a lot (2 days a week of full babysitting!) & would do the same for me. Canada has a great education & healthcare system & my siblings & parents are live near each other so the kids and I would have a support network.
I lied to my husband. I told him I would stay & raise the kids as Texans as we had planned. He was in so much pain & distress & I couldn’t add to it. I chose the easy way out.
2 weeks after the funeral I moved my sweet babies home to Canada. My parents in law are now telling everyone I betrayed a dying man’s last wish. I have told them we will visit every year & they are welcome to visit us in Canada whenever they wish. They don’t care – they said I have broken their family.
AITA for lying to my dying husband & breaking up his family?
User oasinocean said:
If I had the option to grow up in Canada or Texas I would obviously choose Canada. And this last part may seem a bit callous but: dead people don’t care what happens after they die because they are dead.
Milee30 suggested that if the husband were thinking clearly, he might not have made the request to begin with.
You need help and support. Your husband was unfortunately (and not his fault at all) not able to think clearly due to pain and drugs and asked you to do something he might not have even wanted you to do if he weren't in pain and on drugs. Surely he'd want you to be supported and cared for... which will happen if you move back to Canada.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You deserve some care now, take care of yourself and don't give this a second thought.
And bofh000 pointed out that the wife is the one who has to raise their kids, so her comfort matters above all:
Even if they had been great, really involved as grandparents, you are the kids’ mother and you decide where it is better for them to grow up. Let’s hope it’s just the grief speaking and they come around. Otherwise... sorry to sound ominous, but I wouldn’t let them be with the kids alone when you visit - they will try and badmouth you to them.
Plus, as DonnaTroy points out... free healthcare!
I would have done the same thing. As Canadian citizens you'll have access to all those services that you would never get here in the states and it will be much easier on you financially. Plus you'll have your family support as well. I'm not saying your in-laws wouldn't help, but they can't provide you with everything.
They are in mourning for their son and they blame you for taking away easy visitation to their grandchildren. Hopefully with time they will come around and see that you are doing your best to care for them.
Still, personreddits thought she should've told her husband her plan from the beginning:
I am not going to judge you harshly for this one, you had your reasons and ignorance is bliss as they say. Still, if I were your husband, I would have preferred to know the truth.
Enjoy your family and free healthcare in the Great White North, OP!