Why is the 'spark' in dating so important and can you date someone without feeling it?
Guess it depends on what is meant by a spark. I found my now husband attractive and intriguing when we met, but I didn't have the butterflies I often experienced with crushes.
As I explained to my mom on a call after dating him for six months, others had given me the thrills in your belly that you feel on a rollercoaster. My guy gave me the warm tingles you get drinking good hot chocolate on a warm day. And I'd been concerned at first about this difference until I remembered - I wouldn't say I like rollercoasters, but I love hot chocolate.
We've been together nine years, and he still feels at home. Love is a choice we keep making and choosing each other.
The spark is what makes the difference between a really good friend and a budding romantic interest. Sparks without emotional connection are lust, emotional connection without sparks is friendship, and sparks + emotional connection gives the green light for dating.
My current boyfriend is amazing. And he makes me feel more at peace and relaxed than anything. Sure, I am crazy attracted to him still. But this attraction is different. It is secure, and non-anxiety inducing. I don’t have to wonder about him, it is open, relaxed, and easy.
In the beginning, I was wondering to myself if I was “bored” of him, but after some investigation, that was not it at all. I just felt peaceful for once. I’m not sure if this may be something you are experiencing, but it is worth noting that if you are used to chaos, peace can feel foreign and flat initially.
I think it might depend on what you consider a “spark” to be.
For me, a spark is a mutual attraction and chemistry. Without those things, I’m just not interested in anything more than friendship or anything at all (depending on whether or not this is someone I already know).
My partner and I clicked pretty immediately.
Everyone means something different by 'spark.' A lot of people tell intense sexual chemistry. Other people mean a feeling of unease and excitement from an unhealthy idea of what a relationship should be like.
For me, I am just emotionally invested—a lack of apathy. Actual want and desire to talk to them and see them and have them in my life. With most people I meet, my response is, 'eh, whatever.'
And it's essential to have because otherwise, you'll get tired of someone before love.
I think it depends on how you define spark. The sexual attraction is obviously very important. But butterflies are not IMO. So you need enough of a spark to be attracted to the person and want to have sex with them, but being comfortable enough around them that you're not nervous/don't feel butterflies isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The spark isn’t everything. It is initially, but a big part of it is the hormones. But the spark is not enough to sustain the relationship. Chemistry isn’t enough. It’s about true compatibility and whether the person is what you need, not necessarily just what you want.
'the spark' is a kind of feeling of romantic interest. It is important because without it what is the point of dating?
You get on well and are a good match? Well great, that's a friendship. You are compatible sexually? That's a f*ck buddy. Do you work well together raising kids? That's a co-parent.
When I first met my soon-to-be husband we instantly had an amazing connection on a friendship level, but no romantic spark at all. We both took our time getting to know each other and took it super slow. Didn’t kiss until the 10th date, and didn’t sleep together until we had been dating for about two months.
At one point, after about six months, I got this overwhelming feeling when I looked at him. It was like something finally “clicked.” I knew I loved him and was slowly falling In love all the time without noticing it! He proposed to me about two months ago, and I can’t wait to get married! So it is possible and to be honest, I’ve never loved someone more in my life! I now have butterflies all the time.
The spark is fun. But it's not lasting on its own.
I met my husband in high school. We were friends for years, and then we started dating. But I didn't feel all tingly etc. No spark, right? So I broke it off. I thought something was missing. Fast forward a few years, and I kept missing him. I kept coming back to him. He was my BEST friend. We dated on and off a few times. Then one night, we got a little vodka crazy, and boom, makeout city. It was like a light switch went off. We were both shy and inexperienced and just needed a little push to make the spark ourselves. And it grew into a flame.
I'm not saying you can force a spark. I'm saying yes, it's essential, but sometimes it doesn't come first. What kept us coming back to each other over and over, and what has kept us together for two decades now, is that he is my best friend. We support each other, make each different feel at home and comfortable, and he's my literal another half.
That spark is fun, tho lol.
I think a build-up is far more rewarding.
I've gotten really serious with people really fast because it felt like everything was cool and magical, then 2 months in realized I was listing and don't know the person I'm committed to very well.
With someone I'm seeing right now, it's been a slow build-up. I thought he was cute and made a pass once or twice that he never noticed. We saw each other again after the summer (college) and when we talked, it was the whole melting warm feeling in my stomach. I was also a little tipsy, but I still think it counts. I know him well enough that if things continue, I won't be surprised when he's a person beyond what I conjured up in my head.
I didn’t feel the “spark” right away with my current partner. We went on a few dates and I was interested and could take it or leave it. He’s attractive, kind, outgoing, and does all the same hobbies. While it took a little longer for me to be fully invested, this is the first relationship I’ve had where I don’t feel insecure.
I can actually see a true lifelong relationship with him. I’m happy I stuck around. I always thought that not having that immediate “spark” was a hard stop.
Find someone who makes you feel safe, warm, and loved. The spark often fades. After decades, love is often an active choice. Showing up for each other year in and year out doesn’t happen just because there was a spark twenty years ago.
Married 10+ years. There is 'boyfriend material,' and then there is 'Husband material. I dated a lot of boyfriend material type, who gave me that spark. But they never felt like someone I could come home to. When I met my husband, from the beginning, he was the one. I don't remember getting butterflies or sparks, but I remember being comfortable with him from the start. He is my home.
I came across a video a few days ago about how a woman said she should break up because she wasn't feeling crazy butterflies it felt safe and warm instead and the therapist told her she thought butterflies were love because she had a lot of instability at home so safety isn't love for her.
I think the spark is just sexual attraction, and having that is essential. I’ve tried to date great people with whom I just didn’t have that, and it fizzles quickly for me. The ones who I have insane chemistry with though, end up a complete car crash, so I am always wary of those now.