"My husband is being secretive about door handles."

I (28) female have been married to (30) male for 9 years. Together for 11. We were in bed watching TikTok’s together on his phone. I asked him when he was going to bed because he had work in the morning. He said soon and in response to that said that I should go to bed. I had to call out of work because my daughter is sick.

It was past 10 at that point. I laid on my side still facing him starting to doze off. I see him type in something very long into his phone and then I said “what are you looking up?” He gets defensive at first saying “why are you looking at my phone? Go to bed.”

I say that I’m not and that I just saw him typing something really long so I assumed he was looking something up since he then began looking at it and scrolling. And then he said “I’m looking up stuff about the car.” So I followed up with “what about the car?” He immediately tells me to go to bed and then turns his phone off and sets it on the side table and turns on his side away from me to go to bed.

So then I’m sitting there confused and asking him why he did that and why he’s being so secretive and then he tells me that I’m being annoying and that I need to learn when to listen. So I said no this was supposed to be a normal conversation and that I was confused that if it was just about car stuff… then why he was doing that?

I figured asking “what about the car?” Was a normal follow up question. He said that I need to learn a lesson and I lost my window now because I was being an instigator and now out of spite he is not going to tell me what he was looking up. I’m still sitting there confused and now starting to get emotional because I’m not sure how this turned into that.

He turns over and goes to sleep so I tap on him on the arm and say his name a couple of times to talk to him and tell him I can’t go to sleep because I’m confused about what that was and why he was being so secretive if it was just about a car. He proceeds to tell me that I need to learn to listen and that he’s now teaching me a lesson by not telling me and that he doesn’t care if it affects me going to sleep.

He said that it wasn’t a big deal, but now I’m making it a big deal. I said that this isn’t normal and his behavior is really odd. He tells me if I’m quiet that he will show me what he was looking at. I then go silent so I can see what it was and he confirms “are you done now?” And I don’t say anything. Then he brings up his phone and it’s the last thing he was looking at and it was door handles for the car.

Im just confused on why that became … Well that… like why? Why couldn’t just tell me he was looking at car handles, and why it became a weird control thing? This isn’t the first instance it’s been something like this and it’s been me asking questions about normal things couples talk about. Like asking questions about a new job or about a bill or something he did that day.

And I get met with name calling or telling me that I need to learn when to be quiet. He wasn’t always like this. Not entirely. I’m sitting here like this is bizarre… It’s like anything I say is annoying. Even if it’s a normal question and conversation.

Like he decides when it’s done and if I question it then somehow I’m the instigator. Instead of just viewing me as his wife who is just curious about what is going on. I’m just so confused. I’m tired of being made to feel small like this for no reason.

What do you think is going on here? This is what top commenters had to say:

incorrigible_reacher said:

Married for 9 years and he is using the verbiage “teach you a lesson”? No, thats unacceptable. Something else is going on. That isn’t normal vernacular for a married couple.

scrubbedubdub said:

Id lose my sh!t if my partner spoke to me like that. You're not a child, he doesnt need to assert his dominance like that, its not the 50s and your not a child.

eggloafer said:

He’s just controlling you. His language is so alarming and you say he wasn’t this way before, but he is now. Shame, secrets and lying and can make a person act differently. But to be honest with you, it doesn’t seem as much as hiding as it is purely to manipulate and control you.

He’s testing his power and he literally said he doesn’t care how it makes you feel. You need to really evaluate how things have changed and how he truly treats and sees you. You do not deserve to be treated as though you’re a child he’s been tasked with training.

And SnoopyisCute said:

It probably wasn't door handles. He turned over to look that up before giving you the phone. He's hiding something and is very controlling. You're his wife, not his child.

Here are some follow-up comments from OP:

The problem is he does this regularly. Usually with a lot of name calling. This time he didn’t really. But I’m just kind of tired of the apologies and then he keeps acting like this. I feel like I can never just talk to him about anything. 😞

Ugh I’m sorry. Please take this confirmation- you are not crazy, he’s being incredibly bizarre. He seems to get off on control. He obviously sees you as in inferior, equal partners don’t “teach each other lessons”. Name calling is a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Is he always like this to an extent or does he seem to have a switch that gets flipped?

I didn’t think asking what about the car he was looking at was annoying. I really was just trying to have a conversation with him to be honest. I actually had just gotten home from a business trip earlier that day.

I gave him the whole afternoon to go to the gym and do whatever he wanted while I took care of our daughter and made dinner and then gave her a bath and put her to bed. So I hadn’t seen him in two days and was trying to talk to him while I could before I fell asleep.

I’m the opposite of clingy. In fact I had just gotten back from a business trip for the weekend. My daughter got sick so I came back and took over for him so he could go to the gym or do whatever he needed to do to get out of the house. The day before I called my mom asking if she could come watch our daughter for the morning for him so he could go do something for himself.

So he went to the gym. I took care of her and made them both dinner. I put her to bed. We barely had time together and then we laid in bed watching TikTok’s and then I started falling asleep. That’s literally how this started. I was just trying to stay up and talk to my husband. Sorry if that makes me annoying.

Stay tuned for any further updates on the situation!