'AITA for being angry at my husband for spending my tummy tuck money?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for being angry at my husband for spending my tummy tuck money?"

My husband (37) and I (35) have been together for just over 11 years. We have 3 beautiful children. Before we were engaged we talked about having babies. I said I always wanted to be a mom BUT I will be getting the "mommy makeover package" after I'm done. This is a tummy tuck and possibly a breast lift. I was very clear that I would want us to start saving as soon as I was pregnant with the first baby.

First pregnancy hits, and it hits hard and true to our promise, we start saving. After my first child was born we found out my abdominal muscles had separated and needed to be repaired surgically. This is essential a tummy tuck. Since giving birth to my first I have experienced horrible back pain and back spasms due to the seperation, but we wait and had 2 more babies

My youngest is now almost 1 year old so I brought up the surgery to my husband. He asked me if I was sure I wanted the surgery. Lol yes, I am VERY SURE. He asks me why I want it, which I found insane since I have been talking about it for 8 years straight.

I told him 1. I look pregnant all the time due to the seperation and I hate it. It makes me feel awful and sad and 2. The pain was getting unbearable (even with therapy).

Well he tells me I'm being very vain and that he doesn't think I should have it, he completely ignored the pain part. I start to get confused and ask to see the account where it's being saved (to clarify, we are both on this account but it was never linked to my online banking and I saw the balance last month at 15k).

He became silent and left the house. I was very very confused so I called up the bank. They told me the account had under 1k left.

I burst into hysterical tears and call my husband. He answered and didn't say anything. I unload on him about being betrayed by the person I trust the most in the world and ask where the hell the money went. He said he was under a lot of stress with the kids (I am a SAHM and do EVERYTHING) so he wanted to treat himself and bought a computer for his office.

I told him not to come home and he hasn't yet. The thing is, he is an excellent daddy and husband and this is very out of the blue. It has made me so upset that I texted him I wanted a divorce since I seem to not matter. He texted me back saying no divorce, but it was his money anyway. This has damaged us to a level I never thought we could get to.

My MIL called me and told me to kick him out but my own family (especially mother) is saying she's very disappointed in me and thinks I am vain and shallow. I just want to look normal and play with my babies with no pain. AITA?

Edit to add: He said he thought I didn't want it anymore since I haven't talked about it in a few months and he thought I'd never realize. And he has seen me struggle with the pain for years and has taken me to every therapy appointment.

Also the money was transferred to his sole account (I have one too, for "fun money" – we transfer the equal amounts to each of us when we can). I cannot see the transactions after the transfer.

What do you think? Commenters agreed she's NTA. This is what top commenters had to say:

haribillions said:

Even tho you are NTA I would recommend to see if he will give you the money back instead of just ending it all in a fit of anger. Maybe ,He is actually really sorry and plans on giving you the money back. But if he doesn't too,i think you should choose you talk and work it out. It's 11 years worth of commitment and love that both of you guys are letting go of. Even tho your husband is AH Anyways, Goodluck fam

wack-n-mild said:

NTA- tell that lying ahole to stay at Nathaniel’s. No divorce? Umm, I’m thinking yes divorce. Everything about that text wreaks of filthy lies. I planned on moving that money back? I didn’t think you’d notice so soon? None of these jive. Get that money preferably along with your divorce and surgery and never look back. Also it sounds like he’s a shitty father- a fun uncle at best.

ArsinAtDawn said:

NTA. This has been a relationship long plan nothing changes so quickly after so long. What he did; he did fully knowing what that money meant to you and how much it was going to hurt you by removing it. He was testing those waters in a abusive way.

AliveAndKickingAss said:

He is lying again. I'd demand to see all bank transactions and proof that he really didn't spend the money. His go-to method is to lie to you. I wonder what else he lies about.

And [deleted] said:

NTA. The purpose of the money is actually irrelevant; he committed financial infidelity. I’m so sorry. (Also, gurl, get that tummy tuck if you want it, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it).

She later shared this update on the situation:

He texted me, "I am so sorry honey. I lost my mind for no reason at all. When I married you I said in sickness and in health and I broke that promise. The money is sitting in my account atill and I will move it back tomorrow morning as soon as I can. We talked about the recovery time for surgey and the time I needed to take off to watch the kids and run the house.

It has made me panic a great deal so I moved it thinking you wouldn't mind me spending it and we just save up again. I did it out of panic and frustrations and did not expect you to find out so soon. I planned on returning it and telling you what I did and why. I understand if you want a divorce and to leave me behind.

I am staying with Nathaniel tonight sweetheart. Rest and I will fix it all tomorrow i promise you. You will have the surgery you wanted. I am a selfish stupid man and I hope you can forgive me"

For the first time in my relationship with this man, I don't believe a f^%$#g word he wrote. He always told me I had it easy not working and now he's saying he can't handle a week in my shoes???

I feel ice cold towards my husband and it is a sick feeling. My dad and aunt (police officer) are coming to stay the night. I will think long and hard about this relationship and everything I read here. Thank you everyone.

And then later, she shared this second update:

I got the money back the same day. It's sitting in my SOLE account ready to go! Thank you to everyone who messaged me with information about the procedure. It was so stinking helpful, I now how a realistic timeline set and realistic understanding about recovery.

I sat for hours thinking about what everyone said and finally realized how out of character this was and that something was deeply wrong. I finally went to sleep. Around 3am I woke up grabbed my phone and told my husband to get his ass home.

When he arrived he walked in straight for me and hugged me. We hugged for a good 5 minutes. After that he apologized and we both cried. When he finally gave his side of the story I was dumbfounded. He said he took the money because 1. He was afraid that I was going to get seriously injured and die during the surgery and be alone. 2. That I would be way out of his league afterwards and leave him.

3. That I'd see what a crappy husband and father he was when he had to run the household and that our kids would love him less. All in all he had a big mental breakdown.

I understood where he was coming from but I was, and still am, royally pissed off. I told him if he needed surgery for his back one day (very possible) and was in a LOT of pain how would he feel if I said he couldn't have it because of insert flimsy selfish excuses that have nothing to do with him???.

He didn't have an answer for that and just kept apologizing. I told him I would be contacting my old friends from work and looking for a job to make my OWN money since what he earns is apparently HIS. He broke down in tears again after that but I was too angry again to address it.

I told him to log into his banking right now or I would never trust him again. We logged in and he printed out the last year's worth of transactions. I recognized 90 percent of them. The rest was random Amazon, Walmart, Playstation and so on purchases. I told him to log into his credit history profile. He only has our joint accounts and his sole account. My mind was put to ease.

The next day I contacted my old firm and was surprised to find out my friend was the senior manager of the department (I trained him!). We chatted for a bit and he said if I get my certifications up to date by the end of the year he would have a role for me by early/mid 2021. I used to be a forensic accountant back in the day and I loved my job. I am very excited about this possibility.

After I told my husband he was very sad. He told me he wants to get a postnup where it says if we divorce I would get more than 50 percent of all assets (everything is in our joint names). He said he couldn't ever make it up to me but he hopes that would give me the piece of mind to choose to go back to work or continue staying home. I'll have to think about it.

As a side note, my salary would be higher than his again and I am currently taking great joy in telling him all the things I can do with MY money (petty, I know lol. I'm working on it)

We have a lot of work to do for our marriage now but I'm happy to report we aren't divorcing anytime soon. He is profoundly sorry and I am slowly accepting it. I do regress here and there, admittedly. We are signed up for couples therapy in a few weeks time. I can't picture my life without his stupid face in it so I am hoping for the best.

If you're disappointed that she chose to stay with her husband, you may find some hope in this third update, a year later:

Hi all, It's been about a year since I posted on AITA. A lot of people gave advice on therapy and that the shock would wear off and I would need it. Y'all were right and I'm so thankful I listened about therapy.

I ended up getting that tummy tuck and muscle repair. For the recovery my dad and my MIL were at my side almost 24/7 for 5 entire weeks. I slept on a recliner the entire time so we barely spent time together. He really didn't do much for me or have any sympathy for the pain I was in.

Weeks after recovery, I felt like a new person in NO pain. I kept thinking how my husband tried to take that away from me due to his own insecurities. I went to therapy at night and realized I needed to not rely on him for a while. I heavily considered divorce. I wanted to talk about my feelings and how I felt so betrayed.

30 seconds into the conversation he told me "what's done is done if you don't like it let's divorce because I can't go through this again." I said.... alright. I felt completely calm. I felt nothing. I was done. I hired a divorce lawyer within a week and we are officially separated. We kept things very very civil.

We signed an agreement to 50/50 everything. No child support, no spousal support, nothing. We sold the house and split the earnings. He purchased a smaller but very nice house a few streets over. We work hard to keep our kids happy and I have talked strategies with my therapist.

On our last day sorting the house he wished me luck with job hunting and said he was surprised I didn't want more than 50 percent. He said I wouldn't have a hard time finding another man to take care of me??? I barely recognized him and it was scary.

The thing is, I reached out to my good friend and got a job back in my old field (forensic accounting). It has some new twists and responsibilities that I actually ended up loving and am VERY good at. I actually can't be too specific due to my security clearance.

This job is ridiculously grueling and not a lot of people want to do it or have the insight/stamina to do it. The point is, my salary is about 3 times my husband's. And I, in fact, told him so on the spot. I also told him I planned on buying the biggest/nicest house for sale in our neighborhood soon and was thrilled.

I also informed him that no, I wouldn't have a hard time finding a better man. I guess he forgot who he married✌🏻 Thanks everyone.

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and support, it means I much. I can't even describe it. I'm seriously sitting on my new expensive couch crying into my cashmere blanket 😭❤️

People may come and go, but cashmere blankets are forever 😭❤️