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'My husband is uncomfortable with my close friendship with our female roommate, AITA?' UPDATED

'My husband is uncomfortable with my close friendship with our female roommate, AITA?' UPDATED


"AITA for telling my husband he knew what he was signing up for before he married me?"

Here's the original post:

My husband (38M) and I (36F) have recently got into a conflict over my closeness to my best friend (36F). I’ve been friends with Anna ( fake name) since we were in kindergarten and we even went to the same college.

After college we moved into a nice 1br apartment together to save money. As we grew and got our funds together we invested in a 3 bedroom and 2 bath house that we renovated together. We have lived there together for 5 years now.

4 Years ago I met my husband and we instantly clicked. After a few weeks he met Anna and over the 2 years we dated, we all hung out several times together. He proposed and we ended up talking about our future.

Rob ( fake name) wanted us to move in together but I didn’t want to move out of my house into an apartment and he couldn’t afford to make the investment in a house together. I talked to Anna and Rob moved in with us a couple months after.

After we got married he talked to me about how my friendship with Anna made him deeply uncomfortable. I’m very close with Anna and there are no filters when we talk together. We have sleepovers sometimes and go out on little “dates” but that’s how we’ve always been.

Rob has never previously voiced discomfort with how we are despite knowing us for 4 years. I think he only is doing this because I recently told him how Anna confessed her love for me when we first bought the house together. I got angry when he said this and told him this is what he signed up for and if he had a problem with it then he should’ve told me years ago.

I love my husband deeply but I’m not willing to get rid of Anna just because he’s insecure. We have been distant for a few days and I feel I shouldn’t have been blunt but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to say and I’m starting to feel bad. I think I might be the asshole due to how he’s reacting.

And here is some further info. she shared in the comments of the post:

When Anna first confessed we sat down and talked about it. I expressed to her that I saw her like a sister and was absolutely not interested in anything more. She took it hard for a couple weeks but went on to date later and get into a few relationships since. Our friendship was strained for a bit but returned to the sister type of bond again.

No, she has never made any romantic moves towards me. Anna confessed 6 years ago and honestly based on how we dealt it I didn’t believe it would impact any future events. I do not share any romantic feelings towards her and look at her like a sister. She had a very tough family life and my family basically took her in as their own.

Wow, this was very unexpected. I will be having a talk with my husband after he gets home from work and depending on how it goes a talk with Anna. I’ve always just thought of Anna as someone I want to have by my side forever but I understand how this could be interpreted. I honestly think she’s my soulmate but I need to establish boundaries to better prioritize my husband since he feels this way.

What do you think of this situation?! This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

Are you leading TWO people on? 🤔

nolimitxox said:

I was totally on board with N TA, but then I got to the part where she said, "Anna confessed her love to me," and I was flabbergasted. My best friend and I have been together since we were 2. We love each other. But we don't live together, we aren't "in love" with each other, we're not sexually attracted to one another.

OPs relationship sounds a lot like how my life could have played out (going to college and living with my bestie) if I hadn't met my spouse so young. My spouse was jealous of our relationship in the beginning because she is basically my sister, but that lasted a year or two, and now the two of them are fine with each other.

This is cray. She's living with two people who are in love with her and she's married one of them.

FlyingWithAliens said:

YTA. Why didn’t you marry Anna? You have a deep commitment with her but honestly, marrying your now husband was kinda a low blow. You’re not giving either of them the full relationship with you that they both desire and that is just insanely selfish. Pick one.

To this comment, OP responded:

I was afraid, my family is Jamaican and I knew I would instantly get disowned. I do love her but I never viewed a gay marriage as anything possible for us. I sat her down to have that talk after the confession to explain all of this. The conclusion we basically came to was that if we couldn’t have each other we could at least stay by each others side.

When I met my husband he was everything I every wanted in a man. I’m in love with Rob and I can’t imagine divorcing him but I can’t just throw away Anna. I can tell Anna has moved on and has even gotten into a few serious relationships that didn’t work out but she’s over me.

Critical-Musician630 said:

Was on your side till you said Anna confessed her love and you just told him recently. He did NOT have all the information going into the marriage. You waited till after you were married to give him this information. It changes the dynamic entirely. YTA. Of course he's insecure. You've been living with someone who loves you for 5 years and just told him about it. He did not know what he was signing up for.

Edit to add: I don't even feel bad for Anna anymore. According to OPs comments, they are soulmates. And had OPs family not been homophobic they may have ended up married. Anna and OP both are screwing this man over.

Solid_Quote9133 said:

YTA she confessed she loves you are you aren't taking a step back... wtf. At least stop going on "dates"

And realstareyes said:

YTA. And not even gently. You could’ve known better yourself before marrying him, and you‘re leading two people on so you get everything you want from both of them. That‘s selfish and unfair.

Verdict: YTA. Do you agree?

Only about ten hours after sharing her original post, she shared this update on the situation:

We finally sat down to have the talk. The first thing I did was apologize to him and I told him to be honest with me. He ended up crying so it wasn’t the most productive talk but we will definitely talk some more another time. He told me that he was nervous of how close we were and was afraid I would leave him for Anna.

I just wanted to start fresh so I told him about the full talk we had when we bought the house. He said he was willing to have Anna by our side if it meant that we could stay together. He told me he knew how we were but he didn’t expect to feel so lonely in his own marriage.

He doesn’t feel secure and wants my relationship with Anna to be more transparent. I think when he first found out Anna confessed feelings to me it felt more like a real possibility. I’m feeling terrible and I finally see how much this is affecting him. A talk with Anna is definitely needed and I plan on booking couples counseling.

It’s been a night of just us cuddling and me reassuring him. I didn’t expect him to say everything he has tonight but i’m glad we are making a step forward to a happier future . I don’t even know what to say to Anna. I don’t know where this will go but i’ll try to update eventually .

No update yet but we'll keep you posted!

Sources: Reddit
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