'AITA for making my husband feel unloved by not giving him his favorite spoon?'
"AITA for not providing my husband with his favourite spoon?"
I am (34F) and husband is (35M). We have been married for 3 years. Anyway, this morning we got into a disagreement. We always have coffee together first thing in the morning before we go to work, and I guess you could say it is a ritual we have both gotten in the habit of.
We take turns making the coffee and a light breakfast and have managed to keep this routine up for years. Typically my husband puts s lot more fanfare into it and makes my favourite poached eggs, I'm useless in the kitchen and just make coffee, but still.
We have two types of teaspoons, one my husband prefers for tea and one I typically use. This morning all the typical teaspoons were in the dishwasher which I had forgotten to turn on the night before, so dirty. I turned it on and gave him the other type
He got upset, and although he didn't take it out on me he went upstairs and didn't touch his coffee or food. I asked him why and he said it made him feel unloved and that it was kind of a d^%k move because I know how much it means to him and its a really simple thing to get right. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
First-Lengthiness-16 writes:
A 35 year old got upset over a spoon? I would be disappointed if my 4 year old acted in that manner. NTA
Muted_Dream_8728 OP responded:
Yep he likes everything done a particular way to the point of usually doing everything himself because other people will do it wrong. Most likely this will happen to breakfast too.
Puzzleheaded-Desk399 asks:
ESH here. Why didn't you or he take teaspoon out of the dishwasher and hand wash it? There's nothing in the rule of washing dishes that says you can't take a dirty dish out of the dishwasher and hand wash it 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️. And for your husband to throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old is beyond the pale.
Muted_Dream_8728 OP responded:
Once the dishwasher is on, it's locked closed and I'd have had to restart the cycle.
Editor's Note to OP: Maybe you could have taken 8 seconds to wash a teaspoon before you started the dishwasher? Just sayin'.
Organic-Date-1718 says:
Does he have ADHD by any chance?? I love my morning coffee, but I have a favorite mug and a favorite spoon (and it’s a small spoon). It’s actually really common for people with ADHD to feel this way when it comes to utensils, or just about anything. And it’s common to have a preference for small spoons.
Best way to explain is in this video (see below), it's just one small part on why we have an “favorite spoon”. Aside from that, his “love language” might be acts of service. He goes out of his way for you, and you can’t do the same in return.
It also sounds like a build up of things and like this isn’t just a one time thing?? He probably has felt this way about other situations but kept it to himself. You are a slight AH but you will be a real AH if you dismiss his feelings. On the other side to this, your husband needs to work on his communication skills. If these things matter to him, he needs to tell you that.
Muted_Dream_8728 OP responded:
He is autistic actually.
Mobile_Prune_3207 writes:
I feel like this is about more than just the spoon. I don't know what else you do for him, but there seems to be an imbalance of effort for him, Vs his effort for you. Edit: YTA after some of your comments where it seems like this is a common theme in your relationship.
durizna writes:
Cooking might not be your best skill, but making a simple breakfast shouldn't be an issue. "I just make coffee because i can't cook"... at least throw some buttered toast together with it, dammit. Lack of skill is different than lack of effort.
And the spoon thing, although small, is something i could see myself complaining about too if my partner didn't show much care towards me. And i'm also a man btw.