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'My husband locked me out after my coworker confessed he's in love with me, AITA?' UPDATED 3X

'My husband locked me out after my coworker confessed he's in love with me, AITA?' UPDATED 3X


"AITA for not quitting my job over colleague's crush?"

Here's the original post:

I (32/f) live with my partner (44/m) and work in research. My primary colleague (30/m) and I have worked together for ~2 years on a major project involving significant intellectual and labor contributions from us both. The project is expected to span at least another ~2 years, and is vital to both of our careers.

Not long ago, my colleague confessed to me that he is, and has been, infatuated or in love with me for pretty much the duration. It took place via a long email that was written after an evening of drinking. This was totally unexpected - in retrospect there may have been some signs, but nothing that wouldn't just as easily be accounted for by a considerate personality.

Shortly after this confession, I came to my husband with the issue. I wanted to get his advice about the situation, and showed him the drafts which I'd composed to organize my thoughts on the matter - they stated unequivocally that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, and hope these feelings won't complicate our work together.

I was again surprised at my husband's reaction - he seemed offended, to think I must have invited my colleague's affections, and that I should immediately quit my job. As in, put in notice tomorrow. I was so taken aback my immediate reaction was to laugh / snort at this suggestion, which was probably a mistake.

That would be utterly disastrous for my career, and isn't an option I'm willing to consider. I'd greatly prefer the entire scenario had never happened, as a difficult and lengthy project hangs in the balance, but I have no real concern at this point about my colleague forcing the issue or letting it compromise our work.

It seemed like an intoxicated "getting my feelings off my chest". I'll need to put a lot of thought and caution into how I proceed with the work dynamic, but abandoning our project isn't even on the table.

About a week has passed. My husband has been alternating between irate and the silent treatment, and suggested several times that I should move out of the house to be with my new spouse. Today I swung by the house on my lunch break and found the locks changed and my luggage on the patio. I have been blocked on his work number and cell.

Obviously he cannot possibly intend for me to really move out, and is just pulling (what I absolutely believe to be an assholish) power sulk - but seeing how seriously he's taking this has my doubts up. Maybe I was ultimately too uncompromising when I refused to even entertain quitting my job for the sake of conversation and his feelings, and to shut the idea down so abruptly. AITA?

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

DaniCapsFan said:

Your husband is blaming you for your colleague's inappropriate email? And he wants you to torpedo your career because of something a colleague did? You should not have to quit because your colleague has a crush. In fact, you should have taken this email to HR because what your colleague did is unprofessional, and they would have handled it properly.

Your husband seems incapable of having an adult conversation if his reaction is to boot you out of the house when you've done nothing wrong. That he won't let you come back until you quit your job is insane. You should contact a lawyer before he does. If you bought the house as a married couple, you're entitled to half its value. NTA

OldBeforeHisTime said:

Time to lawyer up, sorry. Locking you out of your home is several steps beyond a mere power sulk. Don't waste any more time second guessing things UNTIL you've salvaged whatever's left of your bank accounts. Odds are good he also emptied any shared accounts you two have.

Whenthelightpoursin said:

Do you have any joint accounts? Download all statements and get proof of current balances. And 1000% talk to a lawyer. He is illegally evicting you from your OWN home. This shows that he might start to cross all sorts of other boundaries.

Are you in a one party co sent state? If so, if he unblocks you, make sure you record all phone calls (there are apps for this). And DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OR PRESSURE, quit your job.

Lann42016 said:

I would have grabbed my bags and left. He’s manipulating you into abandoning your career. If he wants to throw it all away cause if his insecurities then that’s his choice. Buh bye.

fromhelley said:

Nta! Are you in the us? Can you ask him to be moved to a different project? He as crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. He should leave the project if possible. And while your husband is at work you should get a locksmith to let you back in. Maybe a second one to change the locks. Even if it is your husbands house, he cant legally kick you to the curb as a way of forcing you to quit your job and ruin your career.

He needs to deal with his insecurity issues instead of demanding the right to "approve" of who you speak to.

Verdict: NTA.

She later shared this first update on the situation:

Hubby called me. Long story short he's been extremely anxious each day when I leave for work, and buckled from that pressure today. I'm "welcome back" home once I've quit my job, which is obviously still unacceptable.

I am considering taking a week of accrued paid leave, which will hopefully result in an adult conversation with husband (as well as coming to a decision about how to best handle colleague). That failing, I'm hearing the word "lawyer" loud and clear throughout these comments! I'm grateful for all of the support and perspective.

And then she shared this second update:

I ended up calling my sister (38/f) - something I avoided initially because I didn't want to "stir the pot" by involving family members who are already disliked by husband. I'm currently with her and cousin (35/m), who are both supportive. Our plan is to call a locksmith tomorrow (to regain access to the property - husband can ruminate with friends or at a hotel for the present),

for cousin to collect some important things of mine from the house, and for me to stay with my sister for a few days while I take a hard look at my situation and options. I'm not set on divorce at this point, but I definitely need to re-assert some very basic boundaries before exploring further discussion with husband. Thank you, strangers on Reddit, for helping me emerge from the emotional haze with some clarity.

In response to numerous comments checking up on her well-being, she later shared this final update:

I wanted to update and let it be known that I'm safe and well. My husband tried to bar my cousin from entering the family home to retrieve my things, which escalated to a physical confrontation. The police arrived and both husband and cousin were made to leave the premises.

My sister and I changed the locks the next day to secure the house, and I'm staying with family for a little while while I plan my next move (which will in all likelihood be a divorce). Thanks again to all who've shared feedback and concern.

Good luck, OP.

Sources: Reddit
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