'AITA for putting my foot down and not adding my husband to the deed?' UPDATED 5x

Marrying someone means you fuse your lives together, but that doesn't always mean you split everything.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for refusing to put her husband's name on the deed of the house she bought before she met him. She wrote:

"AITA for putting my foot down and not adding my husband to the deed?"

Background- I (29F) have known and been with my husband (33M) for past 4 years and married for two years. I started working when I was 21 right after my bachelor’s degree. After two years of working. I bought myself a house. Nothing fancy. I bought the land and built the house. It is a 3 bedroom 2 floor house. I got to know and date my husband in 2019. The construction of my house had finished by then.

He lived in a different country. So when he visited me, I took him to show my house. I am very proud of it. It is something I built with my own money and I own it. However, small. After our wedding I moved to the country where he was already staying. We split our bills and rent equally. We both work in IT and earn pretty good. So we are planning to buy a house. We found a place we liked and can afford.

We are putting both our names to the deed because both of us are paying for it together. The problem arose when he said he wanted his name added to the house I bought by myself. I am not comfortable doing that. And I said so. He said it’s unfair that I have two now and he would have part on one. I said it was his bad plan for not buying a house before.

I bought that house before I knew he existed and with my own money. Since he had no contribution to it, I am not obligated to make him feel good by adding him to deeds. He then proceeded to call his family. While his sister and BIL support me, his mom and dad said that it’s not about money but it’s about the togetherness and whatever it is should be for the both of us or none.

I said I am sorry, but this is not happening. He will never be in the deed even if he pays his share (which he and his family thinks he should not because it’s “ours” not mine or his) because I know how much I struggled to have that house and make it happen. Now his mom and dad are saying I disrespected them by saying this. AITA?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions in response.

notyoureffingproblem wrote:

You have a serious husband problem, first, no, it is your house, he didn't contributed any to it, so, no don't add him to the deed

But second, he called his family to pushed you into what he wanted?

And OP responded:

Yes because he said it is only fair and his family would back him up because he is right.

Plane_Practice8184 wrote:

NTA. Of course his family will back him up. They want their son to get free equity. I would not trust him if I were you. Why would anyone feel entitled to something that they don't own? I don't get his logic. Get a will done. I would not trust him to be your POA. He can't be trusted to make decisions for your own good. Only his.

Samanthasgramma wrote:

He told his Mommy on you? NTA. And you might want to think deeply about your future with him. You should be freakin' proud of what you accomplished, with your home. If they just want you to share the unearned glory with him, I wonder where this attitude might creep into, later.

Live_Carpet6396 wrote:

If he has to sic his family on you, he sucks. Run, don't walk, away from this sniveling, spineless a-hole. What is he - 10?

After receiving a lot of support, OP jumped on with a series of updates/clarifications:

UPDATE ONE: Both of us are from the same country. We are on a visa in a different country and we work there. We are planning to buy a house where we work on visa. We are allowed to do that. We are planning to stay for 5 more years at least so buying a house made it seem logical. In my country, we don’t have a prenup culture.

I did tell him earlier that this was mine and I won’t ever give it to anyone. Unless I am dead in which case it will go to either my kids(if I have any) or the charity.

EDIT TWO: because someone pointed this out - my husband’s family has generational wealth. I don’t. He has never depended on me for anything. We married because we loved each other. It has nothing do to with money at least in my case.

EDIT THREE: I am sorry if it looks like I am entitled when I say that I bought the land from my dad in a comment. I did buy it from him for real cheap but I paid off all the construction cost, material cost, labour cost etc by myself. I even plastered and painted the walls myself when I was a little low on money. I think this makes it valid for me to be proud of what I did.

I am from a developing country and I am sorry that you have to s#$t on me if just the land came for cheap and I paid and did everything. I have been cut tiles myself and mixed paints and watered the cement. So hell yeah I am proud and have emotional attachment to that place.

EDIT 4: I am not in US. Any property I own before marriage or after, if it has my name on the deeds, it belongs to me alone. I can choose to register it in anyone else’s name if I want to or register a POA or register someone as co owner later. But, it’s completely up to my discretion. We do not have a communal property law.

Redditors still held the line after the updates.

Here_For_Tea wrote:

What a tacky man. At least he has shown you who he is now instead of in ten years.

His mask slipped. Time to go.

Loud_Low9846 wrote:

Red flags are waving. Firstly because he thinks he's entitled to your property that you created even before he existed and secondly because he runs to his family about it when it has absolutely nothing to do with them. He sounds like he's more interested in what you can provide for him money wise. I'd think very carefully about marrying him if I were you.

DGinLDO wrote:

Even in places with community property, anything brought TO the marriage is the separate property of the person who owned it prior to the marriage. Hubby MAY have a reimbursement claim if he’s paid for repairs/renovations/mortgage or for half of any increase in value to the property. But he does not have an ownership claim in it, unless OP gives him one.

Odd-End1405 wrote:

NTA. It is an asset bought with your money. He has no rights to YOUR property. You never know where a relationship will go. I owned property when I married 20+ years ago and my husband has never had an issue all properties coming from my assets being only in my name. Community property he contributed to, yes both names.

It is suspect and ingenuous asking to be put on the properties he did not contribute to the purchase of. Stay strong.

A little over a week later, OP jumped on with a major update.

Please check my original post for more details. TLDR (for original post): Husband and I are buying a new house together. I have a house I bought before knowing, dating and marrying him. Husband wants his name of the deed of that house.

Vote of thanks:

Thank you for all the insights and suggestions from all the enormous number of people that invested their time into reading it.

A lot of people suggested I bring in my parents and make it even. I didn't want to take that route because 2 wrongs don't make a right and too many cooks spoil the broth. Finally for all the people you have submitted their decisions whether 'YTA' or 'NTA', thank you. I liked to read all the perspectives.

Update:

I talked to my husband. I told him all my insecurities regarding the matter. I told him how I put my blood and sweat into it, how I have spent nights without sleeping and a few without eating to finish it, how I have plastered and painted the walls myself.

He was very understanding. He told me how he didn't know all that and what that means to me. He is fine with not being added to the deed. I suggested him to buy another place which is just his and since it is not the end of the world and we will earn more, we will buy even more assets in future and he was fine with all the suggestions. Talking to his parents he told them that it is not happening.

They are still upset and think I am wrong and they did say so. This time however, he told them it's not their decision to make and it should not bother them. We are building a life together, he was wrong to bring them into it and he apologized for that. I apologized for just blurting things without giving reasons and we decided to communicate and talk more when it comes to decisions.

He suggested weekly sit downs where we just sit and talk stuff about our future, about our day, anything that is making us unhappy or scared, or happy, anything at all. That would be time for us alone. I did show him the post and he laughed at it. Got a little sad that I would rather tell a bunch strangers about my fears but him. And we will work on it.

Redditors were pleased with the update.

JRM1102 wrote:

So you talked it out rationally and calmly and it worked for you two more or less.

Another conflict solved by communicating.

JGalKnit wrote:

I am so glad you guys worked those things out. I would say that regardless, you own that home, and it is wonderful that you accomplished it. If in years to come, you decide to add him to the deed, so be it. My husband bought our home himself before we were married, but we were together.

We moved into the home together and I worked hard to make it our home. When we refinanced after being married 10 years, he made sure I was on the deed. I think you decide what is the best for the two of you.

TurkeyBurger124 wrote:

This was a lovely update. I’m glad you two were able to come to an understanding and he apologized.

ABCBDMama wrote:

Sounds like you married a good man. Keep working on building & strengthening your lines of communication. It’s a strong foundation for your relationship.

CVMBVSS wrote:

Communication and calm manners are key to a healthy relationship. Never be afraid to say the truth to your partner and be open to how they might feel. So happy that there's no bad blood at the end of this.

This ended in a surprisingly wholesome manner.