'AITA for refusing to share my extra income with my wife when she didn't share hers with me?'
"AITA for refusing to share my extra income with my wife when she didn't share hers with me when she earned more?"
When my wife [32F] and I [32M] got married eight years ago, she made about 15K more per year than I did. Our agreement at that time was that we'd keep separate checking accounts plus a joint for household expenses, with the understanding that money left over after contributions to household expenses, savings, retirement, etc. would be put in the separate accounts and we could spend it how we wanted.
My wife was the one who insisted on this, and although I was not a fan (wanted joint accounts for all funds), I agreed since she felt strongly about it. A few years after we married I decided to go to law school. Long story short, I ended up at a big law firm and now earn about four times what my wife does. Since I managed not to go into debt, I have a good bit of money left over after I contribute to our joint expenses.
My wife asked me to reconsider this arrangement (she doesn't feel like its fair that I get to buy most of the things I want while she is on a much more limited budget), and I told her I would not reconsider it since this is what she wanted originally. I think fair is fair since this was her idea, but I do wonder if I am wrong for refusing to reconsider our financial arrangement? AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
wigglebuttbiscuits said:
ESH. Is this tit-for-tat counting nickels really the way you want to approach your marriage? Get some couples therapy and talk this out. Talk about how you felt when she didn’t share with you and maybe she can share why it was important to her then but she feels differently now. Sounds like you both need to grow up.
BaggiraBaggy said:
ESH. Seperate accounts are perfectly reasonable. My SO and I have seperate accounts, and combine what we need for bills / household expenses. There have been times over the years where he has earned more than me, and times where I have earned more than him. We hold each other up financially when needed.
You and your wife are just playing tit for tat. It was a stupid arrangement at the beginning, and a stupid arrangement now. You love each other right? So be kind to one another. Stop with the games.
notsociallyakward said:
Okay, I gotta go with ESH. I had a coworker buddy of mine in a similar situation with his girlfriend to yours, when your wife made more. His job paid a lot less than hers and it just got to a point they were both living different lifestyles.
So they eventually became more like roommates than partners. Eventually they broke up, from his point of view it was because she couldn't empathize with his feeling sh!tty because he was barely surviving.
With you two being married for years, isn't it about time to stop the agreement altogether? Is there any chance you're not budging because you might be resentful that she thinks it's okay to change it whenever she isn't the top earner while you had to do it for years? OP, I'm not saying either of you are bad, im just saying it's a sh!t situation and that's because of all parties involved. I hope everything works out
Bubbilility said:
ESH. Honestly, who does this in a relationship? Shouldn't it be about building each other up and being happy rather than who has more and getting one over the other person? Are you both really happy if this is a divide in your relationship. I'm sorry if this is judgmental but I'm just confused.
callie_cerulli said:
I don't want to go so far as to say youre an a-hole for sticking to the original agreement. But I definitely think it's odd to make 4 times as much as a partner and still split expenses halfway
Verdict: ESH