'AITA for telling my wife I don't want her sister at our house all the time?'

It's hard to decompress if you never have full privacy in your home, it doesn't matter if the guest is family or not.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling his wife he doesn't want her sister over all the time. He wrote:

"AITA for telling my wife I don't want her sister at our house all the time?"

My wife (38F) and I (39M) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10, & 7-year-old twins). About 8-months ago, my wife's sister Ann (29F) went through a pretty traumatic time. She found out she was pregnant with her long-time BF of 6 years. It wasn't planned, but that didn't lessen the heartbreak when she lost the pregnancy at 10-weeks.

To make things even worse, her BF left her 2 months later. Ann lives about 15-minutes from us so obviously we were there to support her with anything she needed. Neither my wife nor Ann are close to their parents at all so we are pretty much the only family Ann has. Ann was understandably heartbroken by what happened and was struggling pretty hard.

My wife was very diligent about making sure Ann didn't do anything stupid when her mental health was struggling so she pretty much included her in everything we did so she could keep an eye on her. This included turning an extra room in our house into a bedroom for Ann. The room had previously been a gaming/play room. For the past 6-months Ann has been staying at our house 4-5 nights a week.

She still has her own apartment, but she spends the vast majority of her time at our house and is included in pretty much all of our family plans. At first, I was understanding and knew my wife wanted to keep a close eye on Ann because she was struggling so bad. But having another adult in our house pretty much all the time has been wearing on me.

Ann doesn't do much of anything to help around the house and anytime there is a mention of chores or cleaning, she will scoot off back to her apartment with some excuse. Whenever I bring this up to my wife she will make excuses for Ann and say that she is a "guest" so we can't expect her to help around the house. Ann is also now very different around our kids.

She used to be a very involved and fun aunt and would babysit for us so we could have date nights. But now, she refuses to be left alone with the kids for even short periods of time because she says it is bad for her mental health after what happened.

The other day I asked my wife if she can ask Ann to watch the kids on Valentine's day so we can go out together and she refused and said I should know we can't ask that of her. It started a fight between us about Ann and I expressed a lot of frustration with how Ann is always at our house and I don't like it. I made the mistake of saying "It's been 6-months, how much longer are we going to do this?"

That pissed off my wife and she called me a heartless AH. Before anyone asks, yes Ann is in therapy and from what I can tell she is doing much better emotionally and mentally. I've never said anything about this to her, but her BF breaking up with her was a blessing. The guy was a loser and I don't think he would have been a good father.

I understand my wife feels responsible for Ann, but I also feel like she has a responsibility to keep me happy too.

The internet had a lot to say about the dynamic.

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 wrote:

NTA. You married your wife, not her sister. Just like babysitting is bad for Ann's mental health, constantly having her around is bad for your mental health, too. If your wife wants to continue to look after Ann, she can do so at Ann's apartment.

shout-out-1234 wrote:

NTA - but it is time to start living your life as a family unit without the sister. So, hire a babysitter for Valentine’s Day, and make reservations at a place where your wife would like to eat. Then start getting the kids involved in extra curricular activities, soccer, scouts, whatever. They need to socialization. Then start planning fun activities to have family unit bonding time with the kids on the weekends.

The zoo, the aquarium, hiking or biking at local parks. Plan everything for the you, your wife, and the kids. If your wife declines to stay with her sister, go without her. You need bonding time with your kids. Take pictures, etc. make sure the kids have so much fun they will come back and brag to mommy…if your SIL asks to come along, allow that, but don’t go out of your way to cater to her.

If she doesn’t have a bike, oh well, the kids want to go ride bikes. If she doesn’t like the zoo, oh well. Then at some point the conversation with your wife needs to be about your concern that her sister is not re engaging in life. She seems to be hiding out at your house. That she needs to find a way to get out and meet up with her friends and do hobbies she wants to do.

She needs to figure out how to start rebuilding her life, because if she doesn’t, she can’t get better. Is it hard, yes. But it is necessary. FYI - I say this as a widow. It sucked but when you fall off the bike, you need to get back on it…or if you fall off the horse, then get on a bike, but hiding at your sister’s place is not good for her mental health.

GirlDad2023_ wrote:

Your wife is choosing her sister over you for some reason. Even though you've been married for 12 years this is a pretty huge red flag about your relationship. Get the sister out asap, set a date, have a discussion, whatever it takes to get her back to her own apartment, especially if she's just going to be lazy and not help around the house. NTA.

Express-Diamond-6185 wrote:

If being around kids is bad for her mental health, then how is staying with you 4-5 times a week not also bad for her mental health. 🤔

OP is clearly NTA here, he's fully in the right to reclaim his space in the house.