'AITA for telling my wife it was a mistake to stay at a baby shower?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my wife it was a mistake to stay at a baby shower?"

Here's the original post:

So my wife (26F) and I (28M) have been married for a year and began trying to conceive in September. No luck so far but the doctor did say at our first appointment that it typically takes close to a year for most couples to conceive. She’s been telling people that she’s infertile (which isn’t true, doctor said she isn’t).

My wife and I went to my work Christmas party in mid December, where my wife met my coworkers wife (let’s call her Mary) and they took a liking to each other. Mary was pregnant and invited my wife to her baby shower (which was yesterday), and my wife sounded excited to go.

I asked her when we were alone if she thinks she’ll be fine. I know my wife and I know what typically bothers her. I knew she wouldn’t bask in happiness over someone else’s pregnancy so I urged her to think it through. She said she’s fine and she was excited so she went.

The baby shower was yesterday. About 40 minutes in, she calls me and asks me to come. I was at a cafe nearby because I knew she wouldn’t stay long. I find her at the entrance of the house crying and a BUNCH of women consoling her. When she saw me she came to me and pulled me to the garden to talk.

She said she was dancing and looked at Mary’s pregnant belly and couldn’t take it anymore, started crying and ran out. All of Mary’s friends followed her out to console her. I consoled her myself, and said “ok let’s go babe. Where do you want to go? We can go for a drive so you can feel better”, she looked at me weird and asked why she would leave.

I asked why she would stay. She said she feels better now and can go have a good time. I sighed and said “babe, you know that’s not going to happen. And I doubt the attention will be on Mary after this and that’s not great. It’s her baby shower and she deserves to be celebrated.

I can’t see how people are going to shift their focus from consoling you to celebrating her if you’re still there”. She rolled her eyes at me and said she was going back in and that I could leave.

3 hours later, the party was nearing its end so I go back to pick her up. My coworker and I stepped into the house and lo and behold, everyone is sitting in a circle with my wife being the centre of attention. Coworker looked for his wife and she wasn’t there at all. He called her and she said she had left ages ago.

My wife and I entered the car and I first asked her how she was feeling and we spoke about it for a few minutes. I then asked her what happened and why Mary left. She said “oh crap, Mary. I forgot to say bye to her”. I told her Mary left ages ago. I then said “I know you’re going through a hard time but why on earth would you and her friends do this?

If they consoled you for a few minutes that’s fine but the entire party? We really should’ve left earlier”. She looked at me so offended and said “are you Mary’s husband or mine?”. We stared at each other for a while and just drove home in silence. I told her I want to talk to her this morning to sort things out but she ignored me and left the house.

What do you think about how he handled this situation? What about how she handled it?

This is what top commenters had to say:

dehydratedrain said:

NTA. Your wife turned someone else's celebration into her own pity party, to be point that the guest of honor left her own shower, and doesn't realize she did anything wrong? Do you really want to have a child with a woman like that?

Forsaken-Breakfast75 said:

I don't really know where to start with this. Your wife sounds like A LOT. You've only been trying to conceive since September. That's hardly any time at all...it's very unusual to get pregnant straight away.

There is no evidence there's an issue, yet she's acting like she's having fertility issues, which is very attention-seeking behaviour and pretty insensitive to people with real problems. Then she meets this woman just a few weeks ago, goes to her baby shower and completely ruins it and makes it all about herself. That's really horrible.

NTA for telling her that she shouldn't have stayed, you're completely right, but you're a little bit TA for enabling your wife's unhinged behaviour.

CrystalQueen3000 said:

NTA. Your wife ruined Mary’s baby shower by making it a pity party for herself

stacko- said:

NTA. I don’t blame her for the initial distress but this could’ve all been avoided had she just left with you when you suggested it. I can’t bring myself to understand why she stayed. And the fact that she didn’t even realise Mary left.

What a mess. I hope Mary has other friends and family she can host for celebrations going forward because your wife and the friends who were in attendance are not really Mary’s friends imo.

Away_Refuse8493 said:

NTA... WTF is wrong w/ your wife? Is she a delusional person? She is telling people she is infertile (and does she believe this?), and crying at a borderline stranger's baby shower and grabbing attention from a bunch of other strangers???

I'm sure your wife is having some type of mental health issues, they are making her act horribly towards others. She's not the victim, here. She stole a party for someone else and made it about her!

Two days after his original post, he shared this update:

So I texted my coworker (let’s call him frank) and asked if we could talk so we met up during our lunch break. I apologised for everything that happened. He kept telling me it’s fine and being so nice about it and that kind of made me feel worse.

He said he has booked Mary a ticket back home for a week and that her sisters and friends were going to surprise her with another baby shower. I asked if he’d mind my wife and I paying the expenses of the baby shower they were going to throw.

He laughed and said no way but that he appreciated it. We went back and forth a bit but he eventually said he’d ask his sister in law how much she spends on everything and then would let me know and we can pay half of it.

I spoke to my wife when I got home from work. She apologised for ignoring me and said she doesn’t know why she behaves like this. She said she is embarrassed and she can’t bring herself to come to terms with how she behaved. We also spoke about the infertility thing.

She said she thought her saying it out loud and discussing it with people would make it easier for her if she found out she was actually infertile because she would’ve already come to terms with it. I don’t get it, but hey, at least she didn’t dodge accountability this time and did acknowledge that it’s wrong and she needs to stop.

It’s slightly worrying to me how she sounds like a completely new person so often lately. Almost like there are multiple versions of her who don’t know each other.

I said I’m glad she now realises it’s wrong, and asked her to send flowers or something with an apology note to Mary’s house. I also mentioned that I offered to pay for the next baby shower and she told me to insist that SHE pays it all and not half. I said I’m fine with splitting it. She also said she would bake a cake and go to Mary personally to apologise.

I told her Mary is leaving town for a week so that will have to wait till she gets back but she did send a lengthy text with a sincere (in my opinion) text. Mary responded saying my wife didn’t need to apologise and that she understands what happened, and thanked her for attending her baby shower.

Mary also apologised for leaving without saying goodbye to my wife and the rest of the guests. You see how nice Mary and Frank are? Jesus Christ. We decided on both individual and couples therapy soon (anyone know if it’s ok to do them simultaneously? She wants to but I’m not sure it’s a great idea).

It was a given that we would stop trying for a baby so that’s definitely on hold for now. So yeah, that’s it for now I guess. I’ve never been to therapy and neither has she so I’m hoping this is the beginning of our relationship getting much healthier, and our individual growths as well.