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'AITA for venting about my wife's health to others? I'm suffering from the burden.'

'AITA for venting about my wife's health to others? I'm suffering from the burden.'

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'AITA for venting about my wife's health to others?'

My wife and I are both 51 years old. Prior to her getting sick, we had a great marriage. My wife was the best cook and always had our lives organized and running without a hitch without ever coming off like she was micromanaging.

We also both were high achieving professionals. She was an editor at a New York magazine. I am an environmental consultant.

Then in late 2022 she was diagnosed with Stage 3 esophageal cancer. She had to have surgery and could no longer work. She changed greatly. Before she was a confident, fun person. After that, it was like she saw the entire world to be something she needed to protect herself from.

Frustrations that she usually would take with a smile on her face, like me forgetting to go the grocery store or (because I travel for work), missing the last train from DC back to New York and needing to delay my arrival by another day, now became things that would make her upset. There's nothing more frustrating than running into traffic, missing your train, and then dealing with her crying about being alone.

My wife usually has a caregiver, but not 24/7. The hardest part of her cancer is that besides the physical toll, there are a lot of unpleasant smells. Namely [bodily fluids]. She suffers from incontinence. But from what I understand, it isn't 100 percent she can't control those functions. She uses adult diapers, but even those don't fully mask the smell.

I have been away for both work and vacationing with friends for the last 2 months. But our last fight started because my wife had changed out of her diaper and said she should be fine for a few minutes. The diapers were in our bathroom and I asked her several times whether she was fine. So I went to the bathroom and when I came out I get assaulted by the strong stench and [accident] on the bed.

I said I asked her so many times, and was frustrated. She yelled she couldn't help it and asked me to help clean it up. We left on very bad terms. I was in London for work and she was terse with me when I offered to send her a gift from there. Then she was angry that I was going to Rome, Greece and Morocco with a group of guy friends.

Now I have been going up to the Hamptons with long time friends. They ask me what's up and I finally just start venting about the fact that it was so hard to deal with someone I am supposed to want to sleep with being incontinent.

There was alcohol involved, so I feel like I may have told the story of seeing the [the accident on the bed] up close too many times. Now it got back to my wife because my friend's fiancee (29F) made a Johnny to her Amber joke about my wife online with a recording of me talking about the incident.

I apologized and said I was venting and was suffering from carrying the entire burden of our family. Now my kids found out too and are ostracizing me too. AITA? I told people this in confidence and I didn't realize somebody would post it online. It's since been taken down but the damage is there.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

SusanBHa

Wait, your wife is probably dying and you’ve been vacationing? YTA.

beefjerkyandcheetos

But you don’t understand… her failing body is really an inconvenience to him these days (with all those smells and whatnot) Plus, she has a caregiver. Why should he hang around and be supportive when he can pay someone to do it for him? /s

oldwitch1982

“Something something, in sickness and in health” apparently doesn’t apply to this guy. Bet if the roles were reversed she would be waiting on OP hand & foot! He sounds horrible!

MisadventurousMummy

But that's not the worst of it... How is he supposed to want to sleep with her when she acts this way?? /s

littlenerpa

I feel sick reading the severe lack of empathy from OP. That’s your f%^$ing wife dude and she has a likely deadly illness. If these are her last months you really want her to spend them like this? Do you even give a s&*t about her at all? Why the f$#k are you spending your wife’s potentially last months or years going travelling with your friends?

When my mum was ill I put my life on hold for her. All my peers were going to university and I wasn’t because I wanted to stay with her. It was the right thing to do. Because I loved her and

I wanted to spend her last year with her and that no matter how difficult caring for her is what she is going through is 1000 times worse. And I was a bratty teen when this happened and somehow I was way more mature and empathetic than you, a fully grown man. You’re honestly a major AH. You don’t love, like or respect your wife at all.

Sources: Reddit
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