'AITA because I'm a better stay at home parent than my wife?'
'AITA because I'm a better stay at home parent than my wife?'
u/MortimerWaffles:
My wife is essentially a stay at home mom, only working a few days a month. I have been home for 2 months with a back injury requiring surgery.
Since I have been home I have kept up with all the laundry, had the house cleaned every day, given each room a complete deep cleaning including shampooing the carpets and upholstered furniture, managed the kids complex schedule, cleaned the basement (except for a few heavy things I'm not allowed to lift), dinner made almost every night and more.
I overheard my wife talking to her friend about how much I've been doing and at first it seems like she was bragging. Then it turned bitter telling her friend that she's mad that I make it look easy and that she hoped I would struggle to prove to me how hard her job is.
For the record, I have always done about 25% of the housework and child care because I also have a full time job, and she has been working full time hours now and hasn't had to do anything other than a couple of errands.
When I confronted her she started to dismiss it then got mad at me for doing such a good job. She said I basically stole her contribution to the family. I will be going back to work in one month and things will return to normal. So did I do something wrong? I definitely want a woman's and stay at home parent's point of view.
Edit: I'm trying to keep up and answer all comments. We are both back to school for our doctorates. I'm farther along than she is by one year at least.
I never tried bragging or comparing myself to her in any way and never gave it a second thought until I overheard her.
No I won't marry you, no I don't want to divorce her. No she is not lazy. She does a great job when I'm working. I show her lots of love and appreciation.
Here were some of the top comments:
Avganxiouspanda
Nta. I am the SAHM, and have issues keeping up with it all. Even when my husband is available to help. When he is home solo he is like freaking Mary Poppins perfect. Kinda like you.
The difference we figured out? Our kid. She is clingy child 10000 when it is me. She is literally up my butt with everything (ever had your butt sniffed, face fully into cheeks, while doing dishes? Stirring pasta? Getting cereal down?).
Doesn't care what I am doing. Doesn't want to help. Just wants me to hold her (happy to do so, only little for so long) and see it all. Not climb on her toddler tower and see or help. Hold her. Not set on the counter. Hold her.
Dad's turn? She is perfectly fine to use her tower, is not literally buried in his butt, happy to chill with toys or coloring or a TV show in the living room. Wants to know what he is doing but is not fully in his business like with me.
She is fine with being told and if she doesn't understand, being held up and shown what it is. Then she wants down and to do her thing. Unloading dishwasher that takes me 45 min to do and usually 1 handed. Takes him maybe 10 min. Max.
When both here and he is trying to be with her and let me do whatever has been driving me mad not being able to get done... she is still all over me. And no. I cannot contain the 2 year old into a carrier, especially now that I am 10 ish weeks away from kid no. 2 being here too. She barely tolerated it until 9 months old... and then it was a hard no unless she/you was/were constantly moving.
FitnSheit
My fiancee and I have gone through this as well with our 2 year old. The thing is, when she is with our son she is 100% on him. Reading books, engaging toys, learning etc. she will forget to eat for herself because she’s so focused on him.
When I am with him I’m maybe 75% I take time to make my own food, clean the house, do other things that need to be done. It’s possible your wife is more interactive with the kids, but stuff needs to get done so I think there needs to be healthy median.
Mysterious_Win_20151
I’m taking applications for a second husband. You’re definitely top of the list.
Jagzilla_s
Stay at home dad of 7 years here. She struggles with things because motivation, I know I have for years. You just started staying in and are not used to it. That gave you some pent up energy and motivation.
You used that to get things done and getting the high of a job well done let you just stay motivated. Stahp struggle with self motivation you did nothing wrong, and she is not wrong about it being hard for her. NTA 100% we are our own people you clearly have good work ethic and internal motivation props to you.
PeppermintWIndFarm
Everyone is different, we have different levels of energy and different methods or standards … the key is not making value judgements regarding those differences. As you see that can go both ways! Most people judge inadequacies but sometimes you get it for being too good! Lol.
Chances are your wife was feeling inadequate and is projecting those feelings onto you. You guys need to sit down and have some heart to hearts and understand that while you may attack things differently each is appreciated. She needs to be less defensive and ideally you could help each other. TAlk, talk, talk and talk some more …
Battleaxe1959
I’m not gonna call you a liar, but as someone who was an orthopedic nurse, who also suffered from back pain (requiring surgery), I’m having problems with parts of your story.
Back pain isn’t just about lifting heavy weights. If your back needs surgery, you wouldn’t be able to vacuum or clean carpets. Just the act of pushing a light machine in that way will increase pain like crazy.
You would be in bed for a day or so afterwards. Same with all the bending and kneeling required to steam clean upholstery or do laundry. Standing while doing dishes is agony. Not buying it.