"I (23F) and my husband (23M) are unsure if we should get a divorce? Any advice appreciated."

Met when we were 9, started dating at 12 (mind you this was that middle-school-type of dating) He cheated on me when we were 15 or 16, at this point we were on again, off again, which continued until we were 17. I got a full-ride to a university across the country for athletics/academics when I was 18. My first and only semester there, I hated. I hated the team and the coaches and I had no friends.

He flew out to visit me and we got engaged at 18 years old. He flew back a little over a month later and we had a courthouse wedding. I came home after the semester finished. He was 18 and I was 19 when he joined a very difficult/prestigious branch of the military.

He left for 3 months for training, which was difficult but we did fine. He came back for a few weeks and then left for a few more months for school for his particular job. During this time (I would later find out) he signed himself up on Bumble, and paid 50+ dollars in upgrades for more swipes. He insists he never met anyone from it and no conversations that he had were ever anything more than introductions.

He also (again, I would later find out a few years later) spent over 600 dollars at a strip club. He says he was pressured by seniors to go and ended up paying for a "VIP room" for one of his buddies because he got the room and then didn't have the money to pay for it and my husband said his friend was going to get into trouble.

That weekend, he would go up and down the coast going to various clubs and another strip club from what I've gathered. At 19, we moved states and got our first house together. At 20, he deployed. This would be a very difficult time in our lives, and even more difficult after he got home.

He developed a pornography addiction while deployed; I remember sitting on the bathroom floor at 4 in the morning refreshing one of his social media accounts, which I could see his following numbers go up about every 5 minutes. He pressured me for pictures and videos and I would feel guilty for not doing the things he wanted and I felt like if I didn't he was just going to find someone else to do it for him.

I did my best to ignore it, until one day I saw a charge on our account for 30 dollars to someone with a very... interesting name. I confronted him and he immediately looked away, took in a deep breath, brushed his hand through his hair and sputtered out a quick excuse that it was his buddies wife who bought them all lunch during work. I don't know why but I said okay and left it at that.

He got up a few minutes later saying he felt sick and went to lay down. I got a text from him an hour later saying he was sorry and that he developed his addiction over deployment and he sent money to a girl for her premium snapchat or something. He says he felt so guilty he didn't even look at anything and he deleted her right after he sent the money.

I realized that the day this transaction took place, he had bought me flowers. He has never done that before, not even on any special occasions. From here on, the dates get confusing for me. I don't remember what happened first or when or how far apart but I'll do my best to include as much information as I remember.

Sometime later... maybe weeks, maybe months. I woke up to a message from an old acquaintance on a certain social media. I think we were still 20 or maybe 21. I don't remember what exactly she said, something along the lines of "I just wanted you to know xxxx said this to me" or something like that.

He had messaged her the night prior, whilst drinking at a friends house down the road, that he loved and missed her. I wish so badly I could remember more but for some reason I can't. I know she said something like "You can't be saying this you're married" and he said something along the lines of "I don't care."

I screamed at him to wake up, but he was still drunk. I told him I wanted a divorce. I locked myself in the bathroom and hurt myself because I wanted to feel anything other than how I felt at that moment. I don't know how much time passed. When he opened the door, he said he didn't send those messages. He said that he left his phone plugged into the speaker and his friend was using it to play music.

He said his friend must have seen the girl's story and messaged her trying to get nudes. He even pulled out his phone with proof - a text conversation between him and his friend confirming that the friend had messaged her and said he was sorry. I don't know why, but I believed him immediately.

I remember having the most euphoric feeling of... I don't know what the word is but whatever you feel when you let out a breath you've been holding and say "oh thank god." I'm getting frustrated writing this because I'm realizing how much I'm forgetting and I feel like I'm missing something.

At 21 I think, shit hit the fan. I think at this point I had gone through his phone several times and found internet history and links that he had clicked through one of his social media accounts to hundreds of different OnlyF!ns sites. One night I went through his entire $ account history since 2018 and found the charge for the strip club and Bumble.

He said the Bumble charge wasn't him it was a senior who used his card because his had gotten frozen or something ridiculous like that. I of course, believed him. I don't know why. I can't remember at what point I found out that he lied about messaging the girl on social media.

I think it was after I had looked through his phone again and I found text messages between him and his friend that was the one who allegedly sent the messages. His friend said something like "Bro I can't even go to parties that you're wife is at because she hates me lol," or something like that. But they both confirmed what I didn't want to believe.

My husband had taken my phone, deleted the messages sent to me by the girl, and got his friend in on this elaborate story. I can't remember when I found out that he did in fact download and pay for upgrades on Bumble. I think I just knew at this point he was lying, and grilled him long enough that he relented.

He said he never met anyone or anything and he said during the conversation, "I only paid for the upgrade because no one would ever swipe for me." Or something like that. I can't remember at what point we went to legal on base and got information to file for divorce. I'd never seen him cry before besides one other time. After we got married, at the airport, he cried so hard and he wouldn't let me see.

Just hugged me and buried my face in his chest so I wouldn't see. He said he didn't want to leave. But he cried constantly after I told him this was it and that I had an appointment and paperwork filled out to file for divorce. I'd never seen him like this before. Constantly saying he was sorry, deleting every social media account he'd ever owned.

Crying at the drop of a pin. Saying things like he will never marry again, I could have everything in our savings, he'd pay for me to finish college if that's what I wanted. I relented and we went to marriage counseling. He stepped up, a lot. He was never on his phone anymore. Would keep his phone unlocked and face up on the table. Told me I could go through it anytime I asked.

Promised to stop watching porn. He even started cleaning the house and making dinner before I got home from work. He stopped drinking with his friends. It was a complete 180. For awhile. The issues started to arise when every little thing would trigger a panic attack. He couldn't hangout with his friends without me freaking out. He began drinking with his friends again maybe a few weeks later.

One night he wasn't home by the time he told me he would be and I just broke. I ended up in the hospital and it was just the start of this toxic cycle. He would do something that would trigger me, whether it be drinking with his friends or the occasional NSFW YouTube short I would see in his watch history. I would scream at him and berate him and degrade him because I wanted him to feel exactly how I felt.

I think marriage counseling eventually helped a lot. After the hospital I finally got my own therapist. She was my best friend. I still text her to this day. I didn't have any friends where we lived. He worked with his friends every day and every weekend they would all party. I didn't have anyone. My friends and family were back home.

I'm shy and have really bad social anxiety and have always had trouble making friends because I can't seem to ever open my mouth when there's more than 3 people in the room. Whenever he would leave to go anywhere, I felt so alone.

I think at 22 our marriage really started improving again. We went on vacation together and were able to work through a lot of issues and we were able to communicate things we were feeling and it was amazing. We both felt so heard and we we're able to find happy mediums on issues and relayed boundaries that each of us respected.

I was 23 when I moved home a few months before his contract ended. He tied up his loose ends on the house and work and he moved back home with me. He tried working a night-shift blue collar job, making good money, even more than he made in the military. But he hated it. He missed his friends and his job. His friends were his family. This was the first time I'd ever seen him truly depressed.

5 months later he joined a different branch of the military. I didn't want him to. I wanted him to stay and have a normal life with me. I wanted to work normal jobs and have a family. He doesn't. He's said he doesn't even want a family. I had started nursing school and my best friend whom I hardly ever got to see had a baby. I finally had a group of friends and family I was able to hangout with every week.

He left and got stationed in a different state, but only about 600 miles away this time. Far, but drivable. He came home for a visit after only a week of being there. We were doing good at this point. Texting and calling a lot.

A little over a month ago he left to go across the country for a 6 week exercise in the desert. He didn't have his phone for most of it, but he was able to text me once over a week ago. He didn't text again after that, until I messaged him letting him know that a pet of mine had died. He replied immediately. I've realized that he has had his phone, but just hasn't been talking to me.

Yesterday, he texted me in the morning letting me know that he was going to spend an upcoming holiday with an old military friend from his previous branch, and then the holiday after that he wanted to go see his extended family in a different state. We've talked a lot since then, not about anything good. I've asked why he's pushing me away and he said he's focusing on his goals.

I said I felt like I was being put on the back burner until he was ready to acknowledge me and our marriage and I tried to tell him he didn't have to be alone and that I would support him. He said, "You can't though. You say you can but you didn't support college or the CIA so I kinda felt I should just do this alone and get rid of some of the negativity." And I realized he was right.

He brought up college when we were about 21 maybe 22 and I actually scoffed at him because I didn't realize he was being serious. I didn't believe he could do something like that. He barely graduated high school. He went to 4 different high schools total, never getting above a 1.5 GPA.

I tried doing his homework to keep him afloat but he didn't care. I even got him enrolled in the same online academy that I attended (due to public school not fitting around my athletic schedule) and I had to do every class and every assignment for him because he would never do them. He ended up graduating from what you would call an "alternative high school."

After telling me he wanted to go to college, he then told me he was going to join the CIA. This was just unfathomable to me. I didn't know what to do because he wanted my support but I also didn't want to lie to him and tell him I believed in him. I guess I still don't. And I feel awful and I can't imagine the feeling of your spouse not supporting you unconditionally.

I don't know how to support him in something I just don't think he can do. And now we're here. Neither of us want a divorce. Both of us know our relationship hasn't been the best. We both don't know what to do. I would feel so lost and empty without him. I've known him for more than half of my life. Our personalities are formed around each other. We talk the same we have the same mannerisms.

We experienced growing up together and becoming adults together. I just want to add that these experiences I've listed were the worst times. We've had amazing experiences together. We have so much fun together. He makes me laugh more than anyone else can. He knows everything about me and has been there for every important moment in my life.

I'm absolutely terrified of the future. I'm scared to tell my family if we get a divorce, I don't want to be another statistic. I know we got married young I know we are a military family I know that. I know that most of these marriages ended in divorce but I really thought we were different. I don't want to start over.

I'm almost 24 and I know that's young but I've known him for 14 years; I thought we would have started thinking about having a family together by now. He just wants to focus on his career and says he doesn't think he even wants a family. I don't know what to do anymore.

If you're still here, thanks for reading. I apologize if I'm all over the place. I haven't ever shared all this with anyone. I'm embarrassed of my situation and feel at a loss at what to do anymore. I'm really nervous to read any replies because I think I know what they're all going to say.

TL;DR Married young, he's in the military, history of infidelity on his part, verbal abuse on my part & lack of support. Have had successful marriage counseling in the past but we're at the point where we feel like we want different things, but both of us still love each other and don't want a divorce. Neither of us know what to do.

Commenters offered up their advice:

trilliumsummer said:

Didn’t even make it a third of the way. Divorce. It’s like the poster child for not getting married as a teen. Don’t drag this out, you’re still young.

[deleted] said:

Don’t worry about being the statistic of a young married military couple getting divorced. Worry about being the statistic of a 45 year old woman who wakes up one day realizing she wasted the best years of her life on someone wrong because she was too scared to try anything new.

Blackstar1886 said:

He’s been a serial cheater for many years. Are you okay with that being part of your marriage indefinitely? Are you okay with potentially having kids thinking that’s what a marriage should be like?

Update #1, a day later:

After over a thousand people castigating me in the comment section, I wanted to sort of give an update and answer a few questions. First off, yes, I can in fact "type like a MF." I had every intention creating this post with anonymity, which obviously went down the drain as soon as I starting typing. I didn't think this would get more than a couple thousand views, and a handful of comments.

I typed out every ignominious detail because I needed to see for myself everything in one spot. Someone said I must be exhausting to be around if I tell my friends and family all this. Well, you'll be happy to know that no, no one knows. I have never told any of my friends and family even a percentage of what has happened.

That's why I ended up writing an epic. I wanted SOMEONE to know everything and tell me what to do because my brain has become this convoluted (the rose-colored-type of convoluted) mess of... I don't even know. I have made my husband out to be this strong, loving, endearing, charismatic provider; and I know why. I've spent my entire life wanting to be the best at everything.

My dad's favorite thing he used to say to me every day after practice was "second place is just the first loser." And I held on to that. I was the best. I was the best at school, I ranked #1 out of my high school class of over 700 people. I have hundreds of medals and trophies.

I did take second place at Nationals one year, even though that doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me, I know it should be. But after dropping out of college and leaving behind a full-ride athletic and academic scholarship - I wanted it to be worth something.

I never told anyone I left because I hated it and couldn't deal with it. I told everyone I got married and he joined the Marine Corps and I wanted to support him. I didn't want anyone to realize that I couldn't hack it. I wanted it to be worth it. And if I had marriage problems or if I got divorced, it would have just been for nothing. I would have lost again. And I can't lose.

I grew up hiding in my closet hearing my dad scream at the top of his lungs at my older siblings because they averaged C's and D's in school. I knew what losing would get you. And I would not lose. My mom cheated on my dad when I was a kid.

I remember waking up one morning to them screaming on the front lawn, my mom trying to get into her car to go to work and my dad grabbing her arm. They don't know that I saw that. They "worked through it" if that's what you want to call it. I thought that was what you were supposed to do.

I thought that marriage was supposed to be hard and you were supposed to put every ounce of yourself into fixing your ups and downs. Many have asked if I want to live the rest of my life like this. Of course I don't. Who the hell would want that? Why did I stay even after the first time? Well, starving people will eat anything. I have actually read every single comment, even the hurtful ones.

God damn you guys are aholes, and I needed it. I needed over a thousand people telling me I'm a blind idiot to realize that marriage isn't supposed to be like this. And that I deserve better. Because I do. I do deserve better. And for all those saying I'm not going to leave because I haven't yet. I will prove you wrong. I'm not going back anymore. I'm not going to settle.

I had heard the phrase "sunk cost fallacy," but I didn't know what it meant. I do now. Thank you to everyone, even the ones who believe this post was a "creative writing assignment." It gave me a laugh realizing that my life and my marriage has been so bad, that it's unbelievable.

Last side note, yes I did comment with my main account a few times. It doesn't even matter anymore. And feel free to shoot me a message and tell me I got this, because I'm going to need it. I feel like I've been rug pulled near the edge of a cliff and I can't find my footing. I don't know where the ground is and when it will come. But I know wherever I land it will be better than where I am currently.

Second update, a year later:

Hi everyone, it's been almost a year. I can't believe it's been almost an entire year! I meant to update sooner, I really did. But I have been busy living my life to the fullest extent possible. I can honestly say I didn't even think it was possible to enjoy life this much. I have never experienced happiness like this. I'm honestly having a hard time putting it into words how amazing my life has become.

I filed for divorce probably within 48 hours within making that post. Papers were signed a month later, divorce was finalized 2 months after that. It was completely uncontested - we shared no assets, no children (thank GOD). It was actually a lot easier than I expected it to be.

Honestly, the hardest part was telling my family - especially my mom. Everyone loved him so much because I, unfortunately, made him out to be so perfect. It was pretty much a slap to the face for her to find out, I felt awful. She cried for days. But she was SO supportive of me. Everyone was so damn supportive of me.

I turn 25 soon. I decided to get my nurse practitioner's license. So that's the track I'm on right now. I've made an incredible amount of friends this year. If I'm not working, I'm out having fun! I'm always doing something fun every day! I'll try to reply to any comments but you know, I'm so busy these days ;) I have truly begun to find myself. And I'm awesome. I am capable of so much. And I am BRAVE.

I am so brave. I did make one special friend from my original post, bethany200300 - thanks to you and my best friend Katy, if you guys are reading this. Thank you for keeping me accountable and loving me unconditionally. I really didn't realize what a horrendous situation I was in; at least, not until after I made that initial post and received so many eye-opening comments.

Lot's of people were right though, I did already know the answer to my question. It's actually kind of weird thinking about it. It doesn't even feel real. Whenever I try to think about my life over the last couple of years, I can hardly remember anything. It's almost like I'm trying to recall a story that someone else told me.

Anything that I do remember, I recall almost like I was a spectator, or an invisible third person in the room. And I just think "this poor girl" and what she's going through, I can't even imagine how awful. It just doesn't even feel like it was me. My real life started as soon as he was gone.

We don't speak anymore. We haven't really spoken much since December. One of the last interactions we had, he was upset about the divorce and regretted it and then he proceeded to threaten that he would murder anybody that I dated in the future. (Yes, it's documented to the best of my ability.) I don't think he would ever actually do anything like that.

He hasn't even been back in the state this year. I think he's too busy... last I heard through the grapevine, he got drunk, had a one night stand, and got some girl pregnant. She wants to keep the baby. He doesn't. I think she even took a brick to his car and smashed the shit out of it.

If I could give him one last piece of advice, it would be to start a savings account for this poor kid's future therapy bills. And to ask him if he ever realized that almost all of his monumental life mistakes have been committed under the influence of alcohol. But alas, it isn't my problem. He will never hear from me again. And I can say that with complete happiness and confidence.

To everyone who said I wouldn't do it, and that I wasn't capable of leaving: screw you (and thank you). I did. I did leave. I didn't walk, I ran. I sprinted. And I didn't look back. Thank you for helping me save my life.

To anyone who may be going through something similar. You can do it, I believe in you. If I can do it, you can too. The other side is brighter than you could ever imagine.