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Man didn't comfort wife after child from affair said, 'you’re not my mum.' AITA?

Man didn't comfort wife after child from affair said, 'you’re not my mum.' AITA?


'AITA for not comforting my wife after my daughter told her she’s not her mum?'

I have three children; 15,11 and 3. My (35) partner (28) have been together 10 years. We have 50/50 custody of the two eldest. Nearly 4 years ago we had a rough patch and a one night stand is what led to my youngest being born, we’ve got full custody, but my wife is all she knows as her mother.

All children call my wife their mum, she’s a great parent, she got the eldest into gymnastics and swimming, she does their homework with them and they’re really close - it’s nice to see. It’s hard to explain exactly how she’s a good parent. She just is.

We found out we were expecting 8 months ago, and this caused our youngest to start acting out (nursery teachers told us it was completely normal for young children to regress when big news happens). 7 months into our pregnancy we lost the baby, it upset me but it’s completely devastated my wife…she acts like everything’s normal, but she’s crying herself to sleep.

I don’t have the emotional bandwidth anymore, I’m exhausted. We just lost a child, not just her.

I’d been trying to get ready for work, while my wife got the youngest ready and I guess we were having a rough morning because I heard my youngest tell my wife “you’re not my mum, you don’t love me” obviously not exact wordings, it’s not the first time she’s told my wife this (we don’t even know how the youngest knows this)

I went to work. When I came back the eldest told us that my wife dropped youngest off at nursery and then locked herself in our room, and apparently had been crying for a few hours then left…I messaged her and got told “thanks for helping me this morning, I’m staying at my mothers. I’m not in the mood to help with your child at the moment since you don’t help me/tell her I’m her mother”

Youngest deserves to know her background. We’ve tried to explain to her step mother etc but she’s young, she’ll understand when she’s older.

I explained that I had work, she’s handled it before, but I’ve been left on read. I apologised, didn’t realise she was so unhappy, but said at the end of the day youngest lost her sibling too and it’s been a difficult transition, we’re looking into family counselling. I did say I’d appreciate her not having eldest witness her being this upset next time as she’s still a child.

If I’ve left any info out I’ll answer, hands are greasy and it’s hard to type!

It was a casual morning, she usually handles getting them ready and we’ve had issues like this before that she’s handled, honestly sometimes hearing things like this has become white noise now because I know my wife can handle it when I’ve got to work.

Edit: The reason I say not to be as upset in front of my eldest is because eldest went to her biological mum and told her she was worried about her mum (my wife) which I don’t think is fair.


Here's what people thought:

msdu5276769 asks:

Relationship_Winter writes:

YTA. My 3 year old sometimes says she doesn't love me. It hurts but I know she doesn't mean it, she'll often run and hug me right after saying it. But your wife is dealing with a massive loss. You have 3 biological children and it sounds like she has none.

I'm sorry, but you really can't understand what she's going through and telling her to suck it up and hide her emotions is awful. It's also not healthy for the older children, and doesn't teach them how to work through life's problems. You need some serious therapy.

Horror-Two6250 OP responded:

My daughter didn’t tell her mum that she doesn’t love her, she told her mum that she doesn’t think her mum loves her.

Relationship_Winter writes:

Did you think you're really doing something with this comment? Lmao. My daughter does the same thing.... You're focusing on the wrong thing. GET THERAPY.

Horror-Two6250 OP responded:

We are getting therapy, I am going therapy separately as is my wife.

msdu5276769 writes:

INFO: So you cheated on your partner of 10 years and this resulted in the 3 year old?

Horror-Two6250 OP responded:

I wouldn’t say cheat, we were separated for a month.

Not-Not-A-Potato writes:

Downplaying your cheating, and downplaying your wife’s trauma, and blaming her for not being entirely composed after she had a late term miscarriage?

Have you always been so selfish and neglectful? Your wife is so obviously struggling with a serious depressive crisis, and you’re just completely neglecting that. I’m wondering at all your other delightful behaviors. YTA.


That's not even considered a late term miscarriage... at that point it's considered a stillbirth. She would have still had to give birth - which just adds more trauma.

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