'AITA for wanting to divorce my husband because he wants a son?' UPDATED
"AITA for wanting to divorce my husband because he wants a son?"
Open_Breadfruit_5391
I(27,F) have been with my husband (29,M) for five years, married for three of those years. Our marriage was perfect and we were so happy. It felt like our entire life was perfect. Church on Sunday, loving husband, beautiful home, all of it.
A few months into our marriage, I became pregnant and my husband and I were overjoyed and so was the rest of our family. My husband was especially happy after finding out our baby was a boy as he'd always told me he wanted at least one son.
I even started to try to attempt to repair my relationship with my mother so our son could have a relationship with his grandparents. I had originally cut off most contact with my mother due to how she treated my brother when he married his husband, though my brother said he was alright with my decision to try to get her back in my life since he still has love for her and my baby was her first grandchild.
However our son ended up stillborn, and it broke me. I fell into a depression and even at one point considered if I wanted to live, but my husband was there for me during all of it and we got through the grief. Our marriage felt stronger than ever and life started slowly feeling beautiful again, even if it no longer felt perfect.
About five months ago, I found out I'm pregnant again, and then found out soon after that we're having triplets. My husband and I were over the moon and he was the most doting and loving husband. Since we had always said we wanted 2-3 children, we agreed we wouldn't try for anymore children after this.
Because of our's and our family's excitement for the triplets, we decided to throw a baby shower and gender reveal party. We entrusted my brother with secretly knowing the genders of the triplets and he bought some confetti cannons with the colored streamers inside.
The baby shower went wonderfully with my parents, in-laws, my brother and his husband and their daughter and tons of friends and extended family. It was like a dream come true and I was so excited for the gender reveal. I didn't care what the gender of our babies was I, just wanted healthy little babies.
But my husband was clearly excited for potentially three sons. When the time came, me, my husband and my brother all shot a confetti cannon and all three shot out pink confetti.
I was so excited and so was my brother but my husband screamed at the top of his lungs and hit the table in front of us, hitting it so hard that it actually broke. He screamed at me that I was supposed to give him at least one son because I lost his first one.
That's when I burst into tears. I had been so broken up about our son's stillbirth and a part of me had felt it was my fault, and now he my husband was, the love of my life, telling me that it was.
My brother immediately stepped in and tried to get my husband to calm down but my husband shoved my brother, so my brother instead pulled me inside where I cried in the living room while my husband's mother tried to calm him down. I could hear him screaming outside about how three daughters is too many, how he doesn't want four kids but he also wants a son.
Ever since that moment my husband has hardly talked to me. He's been sleeping in the guest room and, when we do interact, he's clearly upset and mad and tries to argue with me.
I tried to talk to him about it and asked about how he'll be with our three daughters, but he spat at me and told me he will provide them shelter and food but he isn't interested in daughters and doesn't plan to have a close relationship with them. That sealed the deal that I want to divorce him and I cried myself to sleep last night.
Earlier today, I confided in my mother and MIL about all this but they told me I can't divorce my husband just because he wants a son. I don't want my daughters to grow up in an unloving household where their parents constantly argue and their father doesn't love them.
The moment my husband said I took away his son, I felt as though I lost all love I had for him in an instant, and I don't want my daughters to be in that kind of household. However, both my mom and MIL say it's just natural for men to want sons and that at least he isn't saying he'll mistreat them.
They treated this as absolute fact and acted as though I'm just a silly little girl who doesn't know anything, I felt incredibly small and stupid. I don't know what to do. My mother and MIL make me feel like maybe I'm overreacting to my husband's behavior, but my brother says this is not normal as he and his husband are both men who absolutely love their daughter.
I'm also not sure of what I'll do with myself if I divorce my husband. I don't work and I'm not sure how I'll be able to find a job that can support me and three babies all on my own, or how I'll make time for all of them when I have to work.
I feel so lost and helpless. I'm torn on what to do because I worry divorce will be too brash of a decision and that maybe my mother and MIL are right. AITA? What should I do?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
amyloulie
NTA. You’re not divorcing him because he wants a son, you’re divorcing him because he has said some truly unforgivable things. I’m so sorry about your son - please know it wasn’t your fault. Your husband it’s truly vile to say what he did and that alone is grounds to end your marriage. Good luck OP.
lorinabaninabanana
Absolutely. You're divorcing him because no 21st century woman wants to be married to Henry VIII.
LibrarianExciting244
Hate to break it to your husband, but it’s the sperm that determines gender. He’s the one who gave you three daughters…. Not the other way around. Also he spat at you? Get away from him. He’s toxic.
HRHArgyll
Absolutely divorce him. He’s violent, vicious, cruel and insane. Your mother and MIL are loony too. You didn’t “kill your son” any more than you chose the gender of your current babies. What absolute nonsense.
Divorce him now, then he can provide for but not have a close relationship with his daughters from day one. Much better to do it now than have them fall in love with Daddy and have him break their hearts. Frankly, if he’s breaking tables, the next things will be your bones, and after that, your daughters. Run.
WavesnMountains
NTA I would sleep with one eye opening knowing the dude in the other room thinks weird thoughts like that, I’d also move far away now and change my name. He ain’t normal.
Far_Administration41
Oh, honey, you are not overreacting. Walk away from that man right now! I don’t care how upset he was, his accusation that you killed your son was inexcusable, as was his physically violent outburst. He has shown you his true self and it is monstrous.
He won’t be a good father to your girls and that will harm them immeasurably. They will be far better off with a loving single mother than with that pig anywhere near them. It’s not going to be easy, but your daughters’ mental health growing up is the most important thing.
Your own mother will get over it and eventually take your side. Your MIL raised a terrible son, so the sooner that side of the family is totally out of your life the better. I wish you the best going forward.
Less than 24 hours later, the OP has already returned with an update:
Open_Breadfruit_5391
I didn't expect to have an update so soon, but after reading everyone's comments I decided to take action immediately and went to my brother's house. We talked for hours through the night and came up with a plan.
I am going to divorce my husband. He's shown the kind of man he is and I don't want to live in or raise daughters in that kind of environment. I'm going to move in with my brother and BIL during all this. He and his husband have a nice, large house where I can have my own room and a nursery for the triplets.
I originally worried that perhaps myself and three babies would be overwhelming or a burden to him and my BIL but they assured me they would love to have us here. I knew everything would be okay when my brother even offered to have a baby monitor put in their bedroom so he could help if more than one of the triplets woke up during the night.
My BIL has a nice, high paying job and my brother works from home, so I will have a stable environment and my brother will help with his nieces. My own niece is excited for us to live with her.
The current plan is I will live with my brother and BIL for a while and once my babies are old enough where I feel comfortable putting them in daycare, which my BIL has offered to pay for.
Then I can try to find a job of my own where I can save up money and eventually move into a nice place of my own with my daughters. I'm so thankful for my brother and BIL, they truly feel like angels.
My brother and I are also going to go no contact with my mother. My brother and I discussed her behavior with us growing up, how she treated him when he came out and also got married, and how she's treated me these past few days.
We decided this was the best course of action as we've given her many chances in our lives to became more stable and kind but she's always refused them, and we want our daughters to grow up in with a loving family.
When I knew my husband had left for church this morning my brother, BIL, and I went to my house and got all my important things such as documents, clothes, and things that are special to me as well as all the baby things.
My BIL's mother watched my niece while we did all this. She's a kind woman and has offered to be a grandmother to my own babies, which I happily accepted. I will admit that I cried, I've cried a lot lately, but mostly happy tears.
Because my brother and I didn't go to church my ladies bible study group texted me and asked if we were alright and if we needed anything. I texted them back and told them the truth and what happened, and they were all horrified.
They told me they support me and are proud of me for taking action, and are now even planning a bake sale at the church to help raise money for me and my babies.
Also apparently when my husband went out to lunch after church with his men's bible group, one of the other members is husbands to one of my friends in my bible group and when he found out what happened he yelled at my husband so much that he cried.
I got a little bit of joy out of hearing about that, not going to lie. My pastor even called me and asked if I'm okay, and he let me know that I'll always have people who support me at my church, which I'm very grateful for.
After my husband came home from church and saw that most of my stuff was gone he blew up my phone, but my BIL called him for me and said that he would pay for my husband to get therapy for his grief over our son and also told him to leave me alone. My husband has not tried to contact me since, and he has yet to give my BIL an answer for his therapy offer.
All in all I'm so grateful for my brother and BIL, I wouldn't be able to do any of this without them. I'm hopeful for the future and while this isn't the kind of future I imagined myself or my babies this is definitely the best one I can currently give them. They say it takes a village, and my babies will definitely have a village full of love and support.
Thank you and bless you to everyone who left comments supporting me. I'm grateful for all of them. I'm glad I could give you a very speedy and happy update.