'My future coworker is my husband's former Tinder hookup who is obsessed with him. Help.'
"How do I (29F) deal with my future coworker (35F) who's obsessed with my husband (34M)?"
So, here we go: I met my husband four years ago. Two years before that, he had a fling with this woman he met on Tinder. She was in our city for only 6 months due to work (academic research), and they met each other two months before she left. He told me it was very casual, especially because she already had her tickets back to her home country.
When I met my husband, one of his green flags was that he never spoke badly about his exes. Like, yeah, relationships ended, people make mistakes, but he never ever said something like "my ex is crazy". He also doesn't speak anymore to any of them; there is respect, but at a distance.
However, at the beginning of our relationship, this woman found weird ways to message him. He had already blocked her on WhatsApp and Instagram, so she started sending emails. Mind you, they had been over for over a year. This woman kept messaging him, even though he never responded to his texts.
He told me that, as soon as they ended their fling because she went back home, she kept messaging him every single day, saying that he was emotionally immature for not wanting a long-distance relationship, he kept saying that he never felt in love with her and kept things casual, but she never gave up.
This was until he decided to block her, months before we even met. After he blocked her on every possible media, he found some peace of mind.
The issue restarted when I finally managed to get a prestigious studentship I've always wanted in my life. This woman and I are in the same academic field, but, as I said, different countries. However, I started to get daily notifications on LinkedIn that someone was checking my profile.
Guess who it was? Exactly. Her. I also got to know that she was talking about ME (she doesn't even know me) in academic events as soon as she got to know that someone went to my university.
I was just invited to join a big research project. I was so excited about it until the professor told me that he had hired other people to work with me. Guess who was one of them? Yep, her. She's moved back.
In fact, two weeks before this professor tells this, my husband received a new text from her, but with a different phone number. Now we realised that she took advantage of a new phone number to send him a message. He blocked her.
I honestly have no idea what to do. My friend told me to simply pretend that I don't know about her existence, and if she mentions something, I just pretend I don't care. My other friend says that she's a stalker. My husband feels guilty of dragging me into this situation, but it's not his fault. I wouldn't mind working with an ex of his, but this person is completely off.
This is what people had to say to OP:
dunkeater said:
Keep records of any texts or messages she sends you or your husband. If she continues harassing, report her to HR.
honeypeanutbutter said:
I hope you're able to have a conversation with the professor in charge of the research project about the potential conflict of interest? Because if she discovers you married "her man" I can see a world where she makes your work life miserable, trashes results or other BS.
OP responded:
yeah, I'm thinking of doing this, it's what my grandmother told me to do lol
HatsAndTopcoats said:
What did she say in the recent text?
OP responded:
She said "I know you don't like me, but I wanted to reconnect with you"
And Good_Ad6336 said:
She is 100% a stalker. Collect evidence and take it to HR. Tell them you are not looking for any sort of disciplinary action at this time, you just want to have it on file that she has displayed inappropriate behavior towards you and your husband. Then continue to collect evidence. If she has badmouthed you to anyone, reach out to them and ask for a written statement about what was said.
Chances are she is trying to negatively affect your relationships and career. My advice is get someone that already knows you and see if she tries to influence them. Take all of this back to HR and demand a full investigation. Tell them you are being unfairly targeted and retaliated against and you potentially have proof of defamation. Good luck.