Groom's ex-wife asks him to postpone wedding because of her breakup; he refuses. AITA?

Navigating co-parenting with a salty ex can be hard enough as is, but it's extra hard when they feel jealousy toward any new relationships. In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for ignoring his ex's demands that he postpone his wedding. He wrote:

"AITA for ignoring my ex-wife's wishes regarding having our daughters in my wedding and uninviting her?"

I(43m) am getting married to my partner "Lauren"(32f) in less than a month, it is a destination wedding that has been in the pipeline for over 18 months now. I have my two daughters (16 and 11) week about with my ex-wife "Anna" (46f), and Lauren has a daughter from her prior relationship (deceased ex due to a car accident while Lauren was pregnant) who is 5.

Anna and I split 5 years ago when Anna realized she was bi and wanted to pursue a woman from her work, I will admit that I probably moved on with Lauren too fast due to my devastation over my 21yr relationship ending and Lauren still being in grief from the loss of her husband plus struggling with a (at the time) very sick newborn.

However for the most part we have all been able to remain amicable and we all went to Anna's marriage to her coworker Lin about 6 months ago. Originally the plan re my wedding to Lauren was for all of us to travel to the destination together so that my eldest could be a bridesmaid, and our younger two could be flower girls.

However, Anna and Lin have recently broken up and Anna has asked us to postpone our wedding out of respect to her.

When I tried to explain that this is impossible as it would cost us a lot to do so she flew off the handle and accused me of deliberately hurting her, cheating on her with Lauren (not true tho there was only a couple months between our split and meeting Lauren), leaving her for a younger woman, called Lauren a gold digger and threatened to ruin our wedding.

I hung up on her and sent her an email uninviting her from our wedding due to her threat. She now says she is revoking consent to our daughter's participation- I don't think this is fair on them and I don't want them to feel left out so I merely pointed out that the wedding is on my week and she doesn't get a say. AITA if I ignore her wishes?

Edited to add: there was an incident with a trip to NZ a bit over a year ago where Anna tried to stop the trip (she thought we were showing off our financial state/we were visiting Lauren's former in-laws so they could see her daughter/their granddaughter for the first time since COVID).

We ended up having to involve lawyers so there is a precedent for me being able to take the girls overseas without Anna's permission so long as it doesn't affect her time with them.

People had a lot to say about this situation.

unpopularcryptonite wrote:

NTA, your ex has reversed the script on you. Ask her to explain how exactly you were the one who cheated on her when she is the one who already had a potential partner on her mind after coming out as bi?

TheGrimReader1888 wrote:

NTA. She screwed up her life. She left her husband and broke up her family for a woman who ended up leaving her. In her grief, she's probably feeling regret over what she did and is, therefore, resentful that everything is going so well for you when it's all falling apart for her. You've moved on. She is your children's mother and nothing more now. You owe her nothing.

SHE made that choice and she has to suffer the consequences now. Using your kids as a threat is disgusting and she should feel ashamed of herself. Have fun at your wedding. Congratulations and I hope your girls have a great time. Small warning: if she's doing this stuff now, she might try doing something to turn your daughters against you and get them on "her side"

(ex. Telling them that you cheated on her or that you are too busy with your "new family" now and don't want them around). Make sure you always directly talk with your girls over the phone or Facebook or something from now on just to make sure there isn't any manipulation or misunderstandings on their part.

I'd also start creating some more distance between you and your ex. If she really is just "hurt" and "healing" then she'll come to you when she's "healed" and apologize for her actions. Otherwise, I think things will only start to get worse from here.

Rzarzacherrybae wrote:

NTA. Anna is low-key acting bitter. Yeah, she is going to have a tough time, but I wouldn’t ask even my best friend to postpone her wedding because I'M going through a breakup. She’s overreacting, trying to guilt you by keeping the kids away from a special moment just because things didn't go her way. Especially if she never mentioned any of the “issues” she now has with your fiancé.

Why now? Her wishes seem more of an emotional reason than concern of safety for your kids (or anything of that nature) I honestly would keep my foot down and have my daughters still be part of my wedding. If I had legal custody of course, which I’m assuming you do stating it’s your week anyway.

PleaseCoffeeMe wrote:

It’s rich that she is accusing you of cheating when her desire to cheat on you was the reason she broke up a 21 year marriage. Anna needs some help, therapy, to get through her breakup. She is being unreasonable, Anna is aware of the costs to postpone a wedding, not only for you, but for all of your guests who have already made plans.

It might cost a bit, but tell her you’re going to involve lawyers again, remind her she has lost that battle before, and how much unnecessarily it cost both of you. NTA.

archetyping101 wrote:

NTA. You are doing this because your ex flew off the handle and expected you to put your wedding on hold out of respect for her. Why? That's weird. It's one thing if the wedding was like 2 years out but it's not, and her wild accusations and jealousy tell me that she's not over you.

She didn't have to bring in the cheating and how Lauren is the reason the marriage ended, since according to you it ended because she wanted to explore dating women.

She seems difficult and that she somehow expects to still have a place in your life higher than your future wife. It's weird and you're not the AH.

Congrats on your upcoming wedding 🥂

OP is absolutely NTA in any way here, it sounds like his ex is just taking out her recent heartbreak on him.