Guy asks if he was wrong to start renovation project without talking to wife. UPDATED!

'AITA for starting a house project without discussing it with my wife?'

My wife, Amy (27F) and I (27M) have a spare room in our home. We’ve gone back and forth since we moved in two+ years ago about what we wanted to do with it, but we never took the initiative to actually implement any of these plans.

We already have a sufficient number of guest rooms and an office so the room just sits there, unutilized. I’m not that worried about it, but my wife brings it up now and then. These mentions are just of the unused room itself, not anything concrete she actually wants to use it for.

I made a new friend, Ben (30M), about eight months ago and it was very much one of those ‘we connected from the first time we spoke to each other’ situations. I’ve actually never had that many close male friends, so this connection is especially important to me. The conversation flowed so easily, we had loads in common.

I didn’t think such a huge amount of genuine love and respect for a person could be developed in less than a year, but it’s been very cool to experience that and get to know him.

One of the things that we bonded over was a similar love for art and music. Ben is way, way more talented than I am when it comes to painting, but it’s something we both enjoy. His birthday is coming up soon and I thought on top of what else I was getting him, I could turn the spare room into something similar to an art studio for us both to use.

I already ordered a few things for it and was getting ready to jump into painting the walls when my wife came in and demanded to know what I was doing. I explained that I was finally fixing up the spare room.

She said it was unacceptable I had done this without confirming with her that it was okay, but I didn’t think I would need to since it’s been two years and the room has basically never been touched.

Here's what people had to say:

Realistic-Animator-3 says:

Gotta love spouses that forget they have a spouse

Kittenn1412 says:

Yeah, I agree. The sense I got from him here is that he's into this guy, but (seeing as he doesn't know that he should hide it from his wife) he likely doesn't realize he's into men (too), so the possibility hasn't crossed his mind. This sort of intense, quick-onsent friendship just screams of unacknowledged attraction.

apollo22519 says:

Because this is what a bromance looks like to men who have a hard time making and keeping friends. My ex (very recently made ex) is very similar to this and he would've done the same shit without a second thought. The amount of attention he would show his friends compared to me was one of the reasons we broke up.

I came second to his friends. Months and months with your partner basically in a relationship with another person sucks the life out of it. OP better be careful before his wife loses her shit.

thoracicbunk says:

YTA. Jfc, not only are you an AH for unilaterally deciding the use of an entire room in your house, but for a level of emotional infidelity with your new bestie.

You don't just give access to your house to someone without the consent of your partner. You literally prioritized this third person's artistic hobby over your relationship with your wife.

VeterinarianAbject23 says:

Its not weirdly, he recently found out he has an attraction to another man that he has never felt before...and giving such a gift to him, without consulting his wife screams that he has a crush, but doesn't know or actually see it. He could very well be going through something bigger inside that he will be hit in the face.

Electrical-Date-3951 says:

Reading this, I wondered if OP is having an emotional affair with Ben. I'm not implying the two have a romantic connection, but it is clear that OP isn't acting like a good partner and this friendship may be problematic (if he thinks it's OK to gift Ben a room in his home.)

Update from OP:

First off, I’d like to thank everyone who was compassionate towards me in the comments.

Ben and I sat down and talked on Tuesday night about everything. It was... overwhelming, to say the least. He was gentle and sweet, as always, and allowed me the time and space to say everything I needed to. That night was one of the most beautiful of my life. Acceptance, love, and trust are truly so, so powerful. Life-changing.

Amy and I had a conversation about the spare room last night. I had been putting it off since my post a few days ago and was hoping to wait until the weekend to talk about it all, but she insisted. I did as a lot of comments suggested and used the renovation as a lead in to talk about the other things going on.

I told her that her reaction to it brought up a lot of confusing emotions for me that I’ve spent the last few days working through and things continued from there.

I had toyed with the idea of couples therapy and it was something she suggested, but I don’t think it’s a viable option. I love her, but I’ve come to realize that I was never in love with her like I once thought. And after getting to really and truly experience that... it wouldn’t be fair to either of us if we tried to force something that I’m not capable of giving to her.

I’ll be splitting my time, staying in one of our guest rooms / with Ben in his apartment for the time being while we separate and work things out moving forward. Obviously that means the room renovations have been paused until further notice. I’m really, really excited for the future.

Comments and replies from OP after the update:

Comment:

It great your have found someone you truly love but really dude have some compassion for Amy. Do you realize you just threw her who life upside down by telling her the person she is probably in love with never actually loved her and never could and now you also suddenly move in the person you 'truly love' into the home she probably envisioned as a place you two would raise a family.

I would never say you should live a lie to make her family or any of that bs but you seriously could just do this more tactfully you know by not moving him in so quickly, hell do you even know once the divorce process is done that either of you will even own this house anymore.'

Reply from OP:

Sorry, I think my wording is coming off wrong in the post because another person thought the same thing. To clarify, I didn’t move Ben into my home. I meant that I’m now sometimes staying in a guest room at my own home (so Amy and I aren’t sleeping in the same bed) and sometimes staying at Ben’s while we get through this transitional period.

Comment:

If only you had this conversation before emotionally cheating on her. But at least you took people's advice and not drag it any longer.

But why are you splitting time between the house you currently live with Amy and Ben's? Isn't that a little insensitive? I know you guys have broken up, but you're essentially going to be reminding Amy that every night you're not at the house, you're over at the place of the person you left her for. Why not just stay at Ben's while you guys sort everything out?

I also vaguely remember a comment about the house being a lifelong birthday present for Amy. Just curious, what happened to that? Does that mean you're buying Amy's share of the house?

Reply from OP:

I’m currently looking for a place of my own to stay for the time being. I don’t expect my friend to house me full time on such short notice.

We haven’t began discussing how we’re splitting assets yet. I don’t think she’s particularly interested in keeping the house, or if that’s an option for her.'

Comment:

Are you in love with Ben?

Reply from OP:

I don’t know if I’m fully prepared to confront this yet. While I subconsciously knew my feelings for Ben were a lot different and more intense than anything I had ever felt before, it was hard to even admit that to myself a little while ago.

That’s why all of the sexuality questions on the last post felt off to me— it was forcing me to be vulnerable. They also made me angry, in a way. Because literal strangers were pointing out things about me from a simple post/few comments that I struggled to see about myself.

In an attempt to answer your question… if this isn’t what “in love” feels like, I’m kind of scared to experience the real thing with how all consuming this level of fulfillment already is.'

Comment:

Is he in love with you?

Reply from OP:

You would need to ask him that one. The level of care and overwhelming support I’ve received all throughout our friendship but especially since we had our conversation certainly makes me feel loved.