Husband picks up drunk wife, says 'I wish you'd let me know where you're going.'

Thorough communication is key in a marriage, but the details of it can feel cumbersome to navigate at times.

In an ideal world, each partner would magically anticipate the right things to share and ask, but that simply isn't the case in reality.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling his wife it's her responsibility to tell him things and not his to ask.

He wrote:

AITA for telling my wife the onus of responsibility is for her to tell me things and not me to ask about them?

This question is so strangely unique and absurd, I am almost ashamed to be asking it. I've been with my wife for five years, married for three.

She's a great mother to two young children, she's bright and empathic and she has this one distinct character flaw that I cannot abide. And I will now present it to you here to see if my response has made me an a**hole, which she alleges it does.

Last night my wife went out with some girlfriends. They like to jump from a few different bars. We text sporadically but I trust her to be safe. She told me at one point she felt she was too drunk to drive and was going to leave her car there.

We both have each other's location on, so I looked at her location, made a note of it--it was 12 minutes from the house, no biggie.

My wife generally does not tell me: 'We're going from this bar to this one,' which I like for no other reason than being cognizant of it and knowing where she is at a given time.

She rode with a friend to the next bar and then had me come get her. She had work early in the morning so I took her home, helped her get in bed, and then called an Uber to take me down the road to pick up her car.

It was almost on empty so I stopped and filled it up and drove it home. Next morning she woke me up and said: 'We need to go get my car so I can go to work.'

I told her I had already went and got it and fueled it up so she was ready to go. She was pleasantly surprised and said: 'How did you know what bar it was at?'

I told her: 'Well, when you said you were too drunk to drive I looked at your location and made a note of it. (THIS IS WHERE I THINK I MIGHT BE THE A**HOLE) But to be honest, I wish I didn't have to do that.'

'I wish you would let me know where you're going to be at just so I know in case anything happens to you. Sometimes you don't do a great job at keeping me in the loop.'

Her immediate retort is the character flaw. It doesn't just pop up when she goes out with a friend, it pops up often. She says: 'Well you didn't ask.'

I had to take two deep breaths and respond: 'The onus of responsibility is on you--the one that is going to these places--to let me know when you are leaving at one, or doing something at another one.'

'I'm not going to just intermittently check your location or try and read your mind.'

And she let me know that I was being a real a**hole here.

No-Expert5800 wrote:

Woah. OP, your wife was pleasantly surprised that you had already retrieved the vehicle. That’s because you didn’t “have” to do that.

Acting like you “had” to do that, and then claiming that she does a poor job of helping you with what you have to do is some next level BS. YTA.

ETA: If weaponized kindness is a thing, some sort of martyrdom aimed at your wife, this might be your problem, OP.

mewley wrote:

YTA only because you keep insisting it’s her character flaw as opposed to simply two different ways of being that you two need to reconcile.

Neither approach is objectively correct, and you apparently never told her that you’d feel better if she kept you apprised of where she was.

And btw I say this having gone through a similar phase with my husband where I was in your shoes - wanting to be kept informed because I was concerned about his safety.

It’s what I prefer too, but that doesn’t mean our spouses have character flaws.

SaltywithaTwist wrote:

NAH. There are situations where she definitely needs to let you should know where she is. And there are situations where you don't need to know.

And then there will be the times -- like apparently now -- that you disagree about whether this is a need-to-know situation or not.

If she didn't agree to keep you fully informed all night, then the onus isn't really on her. I don't think you needed to know but I also don't think wanting to know makes you an AH.

Next time this bar hopping comes up, agree before hand how you both will handle.

Few_Grapefruit8513 wrote:

Uh. I'm probably going to be downvoted to hell after this. But NTA. You're right. As a partner, she should let you know where she would be ahead of time. It's not a matter of keeping tabs on her. Just a little respect for the other person.

My parents have been married for 25 years and have their location on with each other, yet will text/call each other to let them know if they're going to some other place than the one they were originally at. Basic courtesy.

And you sound like a good partner, anticipating what she would want in the morning and having it ready before she asked for it. At the same time, I maybe wouldn't have worded it as a character flaw?

Maybe let her know that this is how you'd like to communicate in the future :)

isayporschewrong wrote:

OP...most of the people on this sub don't even have successful relationships. You should consider that when reading these stupid answers.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your spouse to let you know when the information they previously gave you has changed. That's just being responsible.

psipolnista wrote:

ESH. Your communication is the problem, not one person being wildly in the wrong. She most likely doesn’t know that you enjoy knowing where she is (for the valid reasons you explained) therefore doesn’t find it necessary to fill you in.

She can’t read your mind. If there’s something you want her to know it’s on you to tell her. She could be more open when you bring it up instead of responding with “you didn’t ask” which doesn’t really help the situation either.

Dogmom229 wrote:

NTA. I’ve read some of your comments regarding her picking up food without telling you or going to the store without telling you and then saying you should have asked as if you’re a mind reader and knew that’s where she was going.

It’s a general courtesy to your spouse to let them know where you’re going in case there’s an emergency. Especially since you have two young children.

Also if someone is so intoxicated they can no longer drive, this means there is a heightened chance of an emergency occurring. Neither me or my husband drink but we let each other know where we are going when we leave the house.

If I go out with friends I let him know. I don’t necessarily tell him every time I change venues but I generally keep him updated. And if I’m coming home from work and stop for food I let him know and ask what he wants.

Partly out of courtesy and partly out of the fact we share meals together and to make sure he didn’t have plans already.

For those who at Y T A I feel like they are treating your relationship more like roommates then spouses.

I do agree you should be more clear with your wife on your expectations if you haven’t brought this up to her before and just sprung it on her as you did.

This one clearly divided the internet. But unlike some of the extreme posts on here, it seems like OP and his wife will be able to smooth it over.