My(29m) wife "Ali" (27f) and I have been together for 6 years and married for 3. We met in college, and at first, my mom (who was always a sahm) was worried that my wife wouldn't make a good housewife. However, as the years went on, she saw how my Ali and I made a beautiful partnership.
She saw how we supported each other through college/grad school, job hunting, financial issues, health problems, and more. She saw how I would pick up the slack when Ali was busy and how Ali did the same for me. We also split our chores at home. My mom now absolutely adores her. Since I only have brothers, and I'm the only married one, she thinks of her as the daughter she never had.
Now on to the issue. This past Monday, I was just having a terrible day. Those where everything goes wrong. I got a flat tire on my way to work, was late to work, my boss yelled at me, I dropped my lunch, and left my wallet at home. It was just an awful day. I got home and was starving.
Ali was cooking dinner. She seemed to have been anxious because when she is, she starts talking a lot and really fast, which I normally find sweet and endearing but not that day. So she starts going on and on about her day. I just wanted her to get done with dinner.
So, out of nowhere, I just yelled. "Do you ever just shut up? Boy, was Mom ever right!" She asks right about what. Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I tell her about my mom's concerns about her not making a good housewife. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she stopped talking, finished cooking dinner, and went straight to the shower and then bed.
Now, she wakes up before me and leaves breakfast and lunch ready, comes home and leaves dinner ready, and goes straight to shower and bed. She doesn't want to talk or watch TV or anything. If I ask or say anything, she gives me one - or two word responses.
She doesn't even look angry at me, just defeated. I don't know how to fix this. I feel like flowers and chocolates won't cut it here. Plus, I don't even know why I said that because my mom doesn't even have those concerns anymore. Please help!
"My mother was right about you" is the fourth Unforgivable Curse.
It's not even that he said his mother was right, it was the follow up where he said his mother didn't think she'd be a good wife. She was chatty and he literally told her she was a bad wife. I'd be devastated.
OP, my only advice is to imagine that she's going to leave you for this. Really really imagine that. Let those feelings hit because this hurtful interaction might ruin your marriage. Then use those emotions go groveling to her and apologize with everything you have.
Tell her everything you love about her and promise never ever to do it again. Cry for her dude. Only then she might believe that you made a mistake and didn't mean what you said.
God I really hope she wasn’t cooking you dinner and acting anxious to tell you something important, like she’s pregnant.
Frankly I’m shocked she leaves you breakfast amd lunch. I’d let you starve.
Yeah, I don't know how you're going to recover from that. What you said was extremely hurtful. And not only have you ruined the perception she has of you, but also the perception she has of your mother.
I mean, think about. Ali, from the sounds of it, sounds like a great partner. Like, goes above and beyond what most people do. So for her to hear out of the blue that she's not a good housewife, is heartbreaking. And you're a pretty big dumba** for snapping at her the way you did from something so small.
Bro I don’t even know how I would come back after that. It’s like you emotionally killed your sweet wife and I don’t even know if an apology is enough. You should probably explain from the beginning how your mom felt and why you kept that secret from her.
Tell her about what happened and why you snapped at her. What even compelled you to say that to her? Do you not have any self control when it comes to what you say that you can’t calmly tell her you need some peace and quiet at the moment?
I first want to clarify/answer some questions from the first post.
Pregnancy- Ali is not pregnant. Before getting married, we decided to wait until our careers were established for two years before we started trying for a baby. That would be next year. We are both very careful. Plus, I asked, and she said she wasn't.
Her doing all the chores- She does not do all the chores. Before we moved in together, we made a list of all the chores that needed to be done. Then we flipped a coin and chose the chore we wanted, then we alternated on choosing the rest of them. She chose the first one which was cooking.
She cooks, and I clean the kitchen. She grocery shops, and I put the groceries away and so on. So, even with the fight, she kept doing her chores, and I kept doing mine. Although I would fully understand if she stopped doing them altogether.
Me apologizing- I did try to apologize multiple times, but she said she didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to give her space but should've tried harder. I read every single comment and private message; it was hard, but I asked for advice. I 1000% got what I deserved. Now, onto what I've done to begin fixing this mess I've made.
As some of you suggested, I wrote a heartfelt letter explaining myself and sincerely apologizing and begging her to speak to me whenever she felt comfortable. She said she would go to the guest room, and I said no that I would go there because this fight was entirely my fault and would only return if/when she allowed me/felt comfortable.
I called my mom and let her know what I did. She rightfully tore me a new one. Then came by the next day with some gifts for Ali. She apologized for ever feeling that way and assured her that she didn't feel that way now. That she truly loves her like a daughter. They spoke more, but I wasn't privy to that conversation.
As some of you suggested, I made an appointment with a counselor so I can learn how to properly deal with my anger and not lash out at innocent people. On Reddit's suggestion as well, I printed out a list of marriage counselors in the area who accept our health insurance. I gave her the list and said that if she's willing to go with me, all she has to do is choose a name, and I'll do all the leg work.
She said she's willing to go, and she chose a name. She works in the mental health field and chose someone who is reputable in our area. She already sees her own therapist and is working through this with her, I assume.
I was able to talk to her, and she said she was really hurt by what I said. That she was questioning what my family (especially my mom and I) thought of her as a wife and a person. Like all the memories with my family are tainted now. Were they pretending? Was it just my mom? What are they saying behind her back during special occasions? If we have kids, will they think she's a bad mom, too?
When my mom helps her with something, is it to be nice or because she thinks she's not capable? She said that she was angry I didn't trust her with those concerns earlier in the relationship, so she could either address them with my mom or even see what I thought as well because she might have made a different choice about marrying into a family that had doubts about her.
She also said that she was already anxious about a hard day at work (she works in the mental health field, which can be stressful) and I yelled out of nowhere. She told me that if I had just communicated to her that I had a bad day and was hungry she would have just made me a snack and told me to chill until dinner was ready, but instead I just lashed out.
Or if I had texted her earlier, she would've ordered me lunch or given me her card number so I could order something for myself. She also said giving me the cold shoulder was about teaching me a lesson about what a quiet housewife looks like and that it's obviously not something I want. And that if it is, she's obviously not someone I'm going to get it from. So, to make a choice about what I want.
I told her I just want to be with her. I don't want a housewife; I want her as my partner for the rest of our lives. I just felt like a complete a** because all I had to do was communicate and she would've been there for me. I had no right to hurt her. She was a partner, and I was a d*ck.
As you guys also suggested, I have been taking over her chores (as well as I can because my cooking is definitely not as good as hers) and spoiling her with her favorite things and foods. I'm spoiling her even more than she spoils me since she loves giving little "just because/thinking of you" gifts and doing sweet things to make my life easier.
I've also been doing things like drawing baths, serving her favorite juice (she doesn't drink at all) lighting candles, and playing her favorite crime podcast so she can relax when she comes home from work.
She even asked me to join her on the last bath. She said she was glad we were working on things. No promises , but we'll keep working together and see what happens. I obviously f*cked up here. I'm still trying to fix it, and I'm hopeful. It's not all unicorns and rainbows, but I'm going to do whatever it takes to repair and rebuild what I ruined.
If it ends up not working, then I'll know it's because I was a big a** who didn't properly communicate and didn't keep his mouth shut. Any other questions I'll try to answer. I just got overwhelmed last time before I knew comments were locked.
Whewwwww goddamn, bro. Speedrunning killing your marriage in as few words as possible.
OP had a day filled with minor annoyances and responded by dropping a nuclear bomb on his marriage. He cut his wife emotionally as deep as he could just because he got a flat tire and needed a snack. Goddamn.
He seems to genuinely feel bad but also does not understand why he did it. Which means he will totally lash out and destroy her again the next time he, I dunno, gets a hangnail or gets stuck in traffic or something. I’m glad he’s in therapy at least.
"do you ever shut up"..... Me: oh sh*t, he f*cked up... "mom was right about you".... Me: oh, this guy is dead. He dead.
As someone whose wife has at times had anger issues and said things that were out of line, I can tell you with absolute certainty that this woman will never forget what he said to her. Forgive sure, but not forget.
And she shouldn’t. He dropped the veil and spoke what he has kept quiet in the back of his mind for years. I’m not saying he isn’t taking the right steps to fix this or that he won’t truly learn from it but it may never be enough. To do a labor of love after having a long day yourself only to be insulted makes you question your own worth.
are nowhere to be found.