Husband laughs at wife after she talks about retiring, 'you'd need a job to retire.'

There are a lot of dynamics that are fine for a season, but build resentment in a relationship long-term. For example, if one partner is carrying the financial load for a spell, it can logically make sense. But if this happens for years without a check-in conversation about splitting the domestic duties, or future goals, it can create a lot of built-up resentment.

This resentment can rear its head in tense and unproductive ways.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling his wife he'd fire her if he was a boss.

He wrote:

WIBTA if I told my wife I would fire her?

Married 16 years. Met in college, both employed and students, and married before graduating. She became pregnant. I dropped out to work full-time. She continued until around 7 months pregnant. We agreed that she would take of the kids and be a stay-at-home mom until the kids were old enough to go to school during the day.

She has been back to school four times for different things each time and has worked MAYBE 1 year of the 16 years we've been married. Our youngest has been in school for the past 6 years. I've supported everything she'd wanted to do. She's had multiple MLM, craft-making, and business ventures with friends over this time period and she doesn't stay with any of them for more than a year, at most.

During this same time period, I've upgraded jobs multiple times, finished my bachelor's, and obtained a master's. I went from working barely above minimum wage security to working in tech making over 130k/yr. I never stopped supporting her or being there for my family.

I remember taking a damn group meeting conference call for a course's team project on Google hang-out while I was at Disney World with the family. The first career jump I had, I went from working a double shift security job to driving 6 hours away to an interview, thinking I was late, but I was actually early because it was in a different time zone.

While I've been doing everything I can to build us up, I feel like she's been doing nothing but drag us down. She always says she's going to get a job, but she does nothing at home either. She's supposed to be taking classes now to be a teacher, but she doesn't do jack-s$%t on her school work.

I've put up with a lot of this over the years and I think what finally set me off was she opened up a letter from the state we live in talking about teachers retirement plans. She subbed maybe three times in the last year and I guess they had her in their system for that. She turned to me and said 'Can you help me figure out what I should do for my retirement plan?'

I burst out laughing. Like legit laughing my @$$ off. I have never cussed at her in my life but I couldn't help it and I was 'You have to have a f@$kin job before you can f$^kin retire' she just looked at me shocked. I kept laughing. She said it wasn't that funny. But to me...that was the funniest thing I had ever heard.

In the end I want to know if I would be an @$$hole if I sat her down and we had a conversation that went along like this:

'Imagine we both worked full time and made enough money that we could hire a live-in nanny housekeeper chef. I know that'd probably cost a lot, but that'd be pretty cool right?'

'Now imagine after you got home every day you had someone like that, someone that said that was their job and you agreed that's what they'd do since that was 'their job' and the house still looked the same, dirty place it is now, and instead of cooking food they just put some dino nuggets in the air-frier every day. We'd probably fire them huh?'

People had a lot of feelings about the situation.

No-Sea1173 wrote:

Gently - ESH. Firstly I think you've made a mistake letting it go for this long - it sounds as though your trust in her is poisoned and there's a lot of resentment there. I think this contributes to your (understandable) laughter - even in print it sounded contemptuous and rude.

Secondly, she's selfish and unfair to let you work to support her / family without being a true partner to you. You do need to talk, and I guess I can see how your question is reasonable, but I think it's very inflammatory and likely to escalate rather than create useful discussion. What do you actually want here?

Do you want her to make an income or be a better SAHM/homemaker? I think you should aim for the former as she doesn't sound like she's thriving as a homemaker - some people just aren't cut out for it.

Can you apologize for being rude, begin by saying you've been thinking more about retirement since her question, and realized that her staying at home is a luxury you can't afford if you want long-term financial stability and adequate savings?

Then suggest she gets any part time job she can, doesn't matter what, just get back into the workforce, while she finds her 'career'? Say you'll be supportive etc etc but that the family cannot afford MLM / entrepreneur stuff and she needs a traditional PT job while sorting things out?

Laines_Ecossaises wrote:

ESH. She definitely needs a reality check and a frank conversation. But what you have written there is so unproductive, and sure to come off as insulting that you are only going to blow things up.

hibernativenaptosis wrote:

ESH. You were an AH for ridiculing her and YWBTA if you deliver the little speech you've prepared here. There's right ways and there's wrong ways to address the disparity in your relationship, and you've outlined just about the wrongest way possible. The two of you should have been having discussions about her school plans and business plans where you expressed your concerns all along.

Instead, you supported her without complaint while quietly building up this giant mass of resentment and contempt, and now you can't hold it in anymore and you want to unleash it in a hurtful manner. Well too f#$king bad, figure out a way to talk to your wife that doesn't include laughing at her or metaphorically 'firing' her.

PrincessVeganBimbo wrote:

You need to get a marriage counselor. It sounds like you have tried everything but she won’t do that things that she said she would, which had broken your trust. You don’t feel respected and you are losing respect for her.

I don’t think your marriage will last much longer if something doesn’t change. It sucks that she is behaving this way. You have to decide if it’s worth trying to fix or if going your own way would be better.

NWTGM1384 wrote:

Since you will not divorce, I would highly recommend finding a GOOD marriage therapist. You also may want to find a good Individual Therapist to deal with the resentment you feel here and learn to gently communicate it.

Honestly, I laughed at the retirement question and your answer, it's TRUE. (I am a woman who has worked all my life, was a single Mom and sole support to my oldest - her sperm donor was a deadbeat.) So, I don't understand lack of motivation.

BUT she has never had to work in order to eat and feed her own children here, you took that responsibility. ESH - you will be TA if you deliver that speech. Again, get the professionals involved. And in a way OP, you sort of allowed it, no? You could have limited her spending for 'herself' years ago, saving money as the excuse.

Calm-Quit2167 wrote:

YWBTA if you confront her like that because you know it’s not going to go down well and the message you want to give her won’t get through and she will make herself the victim. You need a serious sit down at this point and you are part of this problem as well as her for just letting this cycle continue on repeat for so long.

I know we don’t like to jump to mental health diagnosis here but as someone that has it has she ever looked into being assessed for ADHD? A lot of what you mentioned goes along with that and it could be anything else but it would be worth screening for.

Clearly, this is a situation that calls for a marriage therapist, because the dynamics here are deep-seeded and extend far beyond one conversation.